Slippery Slope
by RandleGreaserGirl
Summary: Darry and Soda have to leave home for a week, and Pony is left under the care of Steve Randle. Pony expects the worst to come out of the week. However, Pony begins to see a side of Steve he didn't know about. They may have much more in common deep down. What comes out of the week changes a lot of things and some of the gang has trouble adjusting.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Alright guys, I'm going to begin posting this story, because it feels like the right time to. However, I have multiple plot-ways that this could go, and I have no clue which route I'm going to take. So, I am very open to anyone who wants to review this story and put in their own two-cents on where they could see this going (based on the first few chapters and the summary). Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Ponyboy Curtis was listening in on the phone call from the stairs. His older brothers, Darry Curtis and Sodapop Curtis, were going back and forth on the phone. Pony couldn't put together exactly what was going on, but he was getting the idea that his brothers were going away. Not quite a vacation, it was for something more serious it seemed, but not emergency-type of serious. What the hell, Pony had no idea what it was. He could tell it was family that had called, but he wasn't sure why. They don't hear from family a whole lot, mainly because there wasn't a lot of them. Grandparents from both sides were long gone, their mom had a sister who lived in Montana, and their dad had a sister who wasn't much closer. Having some details, but still not sure what was going on was making Ponyboy nervous. Darry didn't sound like he was in distress, but Ponyboy did overhear that Darry needed Soda's help with whatever he had to go do. So their question was...who was going to stay with Pony?

"I'll give him a call," Soda commented, his turn on the phone.

Pony could hear Darry sigh, "Oh I hope you can convince him. He'd be doing us a huge favor."

Pony couldn't really hear Soda's phone call, but it lasted about 20 minutes. He felt himself slowly getting distracted since he couldn't hear a thing Soda was saying. He began counting the stair steps, tracing his hand along the wall, thinking about the current book he was reading. As usual, he lost himself in his own head. Deep in thought, he jumped as he was called down by Darry. Pony hurried down, anxiously wanting to hear what was about to happen. He made his way through the living room into the kitchen where his older brothers waited.

"What's going on?" Pony asked taking a seat at the kitchen table.

Darry joined him while Soda brought a couple glasses of chocolate milk. "Well, we got a phone call from Aunt Julie," Darry began. Aunt Julie was their dad's sister.

"Okay?" Pony asked waiting for more, "What did she want?"

"Well, we know it took a while, but she was finally able to go through all her things and their parents things from their farm house, and she found a lot of dad's things. She wants us to go there and go through the things and help her kind of sort what's worth keeping and what might be worth getting rid of," Darry explained, "She was going through the list a bit with me, and it's not something I can do alone. Nor do I want to, so I'm going to bring Soda with me to make some of these decisions. She is quite overwhelmed."

Pony waited for the answer of who was going to stay with him. He understood why Darry didn't want to bring him. It wasn't anything that exciting for Pony to be a part of, and Aunt Julie was about 8 hours away. Not a simple trip to take, and not one you want to go back and forth on. Pony surely didn't want to waste any summer vacation doing all of that in the middle of nowhere.

"So," Soda chimed in, "We're thinking of going to spend a week with Aunt Julie. We can really go through those things and get her organized. She's spent the past year going through it all, so the least we can do is help her organize."

"Yeah, yeah, I get you. That all makes sense," Ponyboy agreed, "So what's going to happen with me?"

Darry looked at Soda, obviously wanting him to continue. Pony followed suit and looked at Soda as well. He scratched the back of his neck as he sighed, "Steve is going to stay here with you."

Pony rolled his eyes in response. He couldn't help but think, no one else could do it? Really? Pony would rather Dallas Winston stayed with him for a week. "We are not going to get along," Pony simply stated.

"Look," Darry jumped in, "We know it's not the perfect scenario, but Steve is all we have. All we have that we're comfortable with anyway. Johnny isn't exactly capable of that responsibility, Dally is _not _happening, and...quite frankly I trust Steve more than Two-Bit."

"Why?"

"I know you don't see this side of him Pony, but he has more responsibility when it's needed," Darry answered.

"Steve knows what is happening. He's not going to be that bad, he just needs to keep an eye on you and run the house. That's all," Soda added.

"We just want the security of knowing you are being taken care of. If something happened, we can't just rush back here, we'll be too far away," Darry explained, "It's just something to make me feel better."

Ponyboy groaned, "I guess."

"Just deal with each other for a week," Darry said, "Then we'll be home. It will be fine."

"He'll have to work some anyway, so he might not even be here a whole lot. We just can't leave you alone for 7 straight days," Soda said.

Pony nodded, still not thrilled about it, "Alright. When do you guys leave?"

"In a couple days," Darry said, "The sooner we can go, the better."

A couple days flew by and Pony was watching Darry and Soda bring their suitcases down. They didn't have to bring too much, which was good since the back of Darry's truck could be full of other things. Pony figured it wouldn't be too bad Darry being gone. He wouldn't have to deal with him or listen to his nagging. He'd miss Soda though, especially with Steve being around. Ponyboy couldn't think of any time he had ever been alone with Steve. He wished he hadn't tried to think of that though, because the lack of evidence was making him think it was going to be a very awkward week.

Soda got on his knees to get down to Pony's level on the couch. He pulled Pony's head towards his, "Look, Darry put the phone number on the fridge. If things are just going a little nuts and you just need to vent, you can call me. I know Steve is my best friend, but I know how he can be, so don't worry, okay?"

Pony nodded as he heard a car pull into their driveway. Steve Randle parked his car, turned the ignition, and made his way into the Curtis household. "Good morning y'all," Steve greeted.

"Morning," Soda greeted back.

"Why in the world does Darry want to leave so early?" Steve asked as he stretched.

Soda chuckled as he stood up, "Beats me."

"Are you ready to hit the road?" Steve asked.

Soda sighed, "It will be a long drive. Hell, I'll just go back to sleep."

Darry walked on downstairs with the last of things and greeted Steve as he headed out the door.

"How's it going, kid?" Steve asked.

"Good," Pony replied.

Darry got back inside and started telling Steve what was expected while they were gone. "I'm sure you understand Pony can't just stay by himself a whole week. I left plenty of extra cash if you need to get groceries or whatever. We really appreciate this Steve."

"Oh sure, it's not like I hate leaving my house for a week," Steve smirked.

"Do you have to work a lot?" Darry asked.

Steve shook his head, "Just a couple days. Other people took Soda's shifts, so I didn't really have to pick up anything."

"Good, good," Darry looked around the living room, "Well, I think that's everything. Soda, are you ready?"

"Yes," Soda took a step towards the door when both Steve and Darry grabbed one of his arms.

"Shoes," they both said in unison. Soda rolled his eyes as he turned back to grab his shoes.

"Well you guys just have a relaxing week, alright? Stay out of trouble," Darry put in. He gave Pony one last hug, thanked Steve again, and headed for the door. Soda gave Pony a tight hug, told Steve bye, and followed Darry. Ponyboy watched as his two older brothers left the house and left him alone with Steve Randle for the next 7 days.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews so far!

**Saturday**

Steve decided to take a nap after the older brothers left. Ponyboy didn't feel tired enough to go back to sleep, even though it was a little early. He didn't want to admit it, but he was still a little nervous about the next week. He couldn't help but feel it was going to be awkward, or even stressful. It couldn't be that hard to stay out of each other's way though, right? Pony could just stay in his room, or Steve could go out with Two-Bit and Dally if that's what it took. It's not like Steve had to keep an eye on him every minute of the day. He knew Darry just wanted someone there overnight, and to kind of run things if any other greasers did show up to take over the couch overnight. As much as Pony understood why Two-Bit and Dally weren't the best options for this scenario, he still was unsure of being alone with Steve.

Pony decided to try and give Johnny a call. Maybe he could come over, help pass time, and help Pony plan some things to do together for the next week. When Mrs. Cade answered, Pony asked for Johnny. She didn't even respond as she slammed the phone down on the counter. The Cade house wasn't always the most pleasant to call. After a few minutes, Pony heard the cord move around.

"Hello?" Johnny answered.

"Hey Johnny, it's Ponyboy."

"What's up?" Johnny asked, sounding tired.

"Well it's kind of a long story, but Darry and Soda had to go out of town to my aunt's for a week. Steve is staying here to help keep an eye on me and the house, and I don't know how well this will go..."

"It probably won't be too bad Pone," Johnny assured.

"Yeah, maybe not. What are you doing today though? Want to come over and help pass time? They just left."

"Sure. I'm sure I can come by. I'll see you soon."

"Cool, see ya," Pony returned the phone to it's holder. While nothing else was going on, he settled for a book to read.

About an hour passed when Johnny walked into the house.

"Hey what's up?" Johnny asked.

Ponyboy shrugged, "Just reading." He put the book on the coffee table and stood up.

"Where's Steve at?"

"He's sleeping. He did have to come early," Pony responded.

"Well what do you want to do?"

"It's probably not a good idea for me to just leave. That won't start this week off good. Want to help me make some breakfast?" Ponyboy suggested.

"Sure, I'm hungry," Johnny followed Ponyboy into the kitchen. They began making some eggs, bacon, and toast. "You know I think Dally was talking about going to the drive in tonight. We can try to meet up with him later?"

"Yeah that'd be fun."

"Where did your brothers go again?" Johnny asked placing some bread in the toaster.

"My aunt's. She lives far away, but I guess she finally went through a lot of family stuff, and Darry wanted to go help her get through it out. Keep stuff, get rid of stuff, things like that. He needed Soda's help, so he went with him," Pony explained, "Darry said they'll probably leave next Saturday and get home late."

"Well it is summer vacation, so we can do whatever we want. That's got to be a bright side, huh?" Johnny said trying to cheer Pony up.

"Yeah, I suppose," Pony agreed. He couldn't help, but still feel nervous on how Steve would be for the week. Soda made it seem like Pony was worrying too much, and so did Johnny. Pony didn't think they understood the extent of him and Steve not getting along though, because they only got along fine in front of Soda. But now Soda wasn't around. There wasn't anyone to fake a good relationship in front of. There wasn't anyone to pretend around. So would Steve take advantage of that?

As the boys were getting breakfast on the table, Steve was awake and entering the kitchen.

"Morning boys," Steve stretched at the kitchen doorway. He grabbed a plate from the cupboard and joined them at the table.

"Hey Steve," Johnny greeted.

"Hey," Pony said.

"Oh yeah, I needed that extra sleep. Now I can probably get through the day."

"Do you have to work today?" Johnny asked.

Steve shook his head, "Nope. Just going to be chilling today. What are you guys going to be doing?"

"Johnny was telling me that Dally was going to the drive in tonight. We could all go there," Pony went ahead and automatically included Steve in the invite. Might as well get off to a good start.

"Sure, I can drive us down there and see what's going on down there."

"Thanks Steve," Johnny said, giving Pony an 'I told you it wasn't going to be as bad as you think' look. The rest of the day was the three boys being lazy around the house. They watched TV, tossed a football out in the street, and played some cards. It went smoothly, and Ponyboy was beginning to relax a little. Maybe Steve being around would even be more relaxing than Darry. Steve didn't care for Pony like Darry did, so what could there be for Steve to yell about? Pony figured if he could stay on Steve's good side, the week would go fine.

After they ate some sandwiches for dinner, they piled into Steve's car to head for the drive in. Steve parked his car down the street, so they could just walk in and see the action before deciding if they would stay or leave. They strolled in and began walking around. In the stands they found Dally and Two-Bit hanging out near the concessions.

"Well, well, well look what the cat dragged in," Two-Bit said as the three walked up.

"Hey Two-Bit," Steve greeted, "Hey Dal."

"Nice to see you brought the kids along," Dally said roughing up Johnny and Pony's hair.

"Darry and Soda had to leave for some family stuff," Steve explained, "So I'm staying over there for a little bit."

"How much you getting paid to babysit?" Two-Bit joked.

Steve laughed, "A home where I don't have to deal with my dad. That will be a nice break."

The greasers continued to chat. Ponyboy and Johnny began to wander to the seats and watch the movie playing.

"I think you worried too much," Johnny commented his thoughts out loud.

"Yeah maybe you were right," Pony agreed.

"It's not like he's hovering over you. He's messing around with Dally and Two-Bit like he would any other night," Johnny pointed to the three.

Steve, Two-Bit and Dally made their way over to the younger greasers after some time passed.

"Hey boys, Dally and I are going to go to the track to watch some races," Steve said, "Two-Bit will bring you back home."

"Okay, just see you back at the house whenever then?" Pony asked.

"Don't be out too late. I won't be more than a couple hours. See you guys," Steve said as he walked away. Two-Bit joined Pony and Johnny as Steve left with Dally.

After getting bored of the movie, the three boys left the drive in. They began walking down the strip. They stopped around and messed around with other greasers. Two-Bit found ways to get on everyone's nerves. They also stopped inside the Dingo and grabbed some food to eat.

"Do you think you need to meet Steve at home soon?" Two-Bit asked as they finished some shakes.

Ponyboy shook his head, "It's not like Darry's at home. Steve will probably be out most of the night anyway."

It got pretty late when Two-Bit dropped Pony off at home. He walked through the gate and up his front porch. He was slightly surprised to see Steve's car in the driveway. He wasn't sure if he would've seen him at home yet. The night was fun though. Pony hadn't had a late night out like that in a while and he really enjoyed it. It was nice to not have to worry about Darry getting down his throat over little things.

Opening the door, Pony walked in to find Steve on the couch watching TV. He looked up at Pony and didn't look happy.

"Where in the hell have you been?" Steve stood up from the couch. Ponyboy was taken aback. So much for it not being like Darry was home.

"What?" Pony asked, confused.

"I told you not to stay out late and that I'd be home in a couple hours. I've been here waiting for 3 hours," Steve explained.

"I was just out with Johnny and Two-Bit," Pony said turning to go upstairs.

Steve began following him, "Look kid, I know Darry's not here, but the rules stay the same. That's what Darry is expecting."

Pony turned to face Steve from the top of the stairs, "Since when do you care about rules? Darry isn't here, so I want to take advantage of some fun. Any of you guys would've done the same thing. Is that really so bad?" He was beginning to feel frustrated. How could even Steve Randle care about making Pony following the rules? Was this just his way of getting under Pony's skin since Soda wasn't around? Ponyboy turned back around and marched to his bedroom. Steve continued to follow.

"Don't walk away from me," Steve said firmly as he approached the bedroom doorway.

"Oh stop the damn act!" Pony barked.

"What act?" Steve asked feeling his own frustration rise.

"Did Darry tell you every little rule? You don't need to pretend to worry about them. You don't need to act like you actually care about me." Steve leaned against the doorway. "Just go away. I want to go to bed."

Steve shook his head and left the bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sunday**

The next morning Steve had to go to work, and Ponyboy was thankful for that. He planned to stay in bed until Steve had left. Anger wasn't the right word to describe how he was feeling, it was more of an annoyance. Darry wasn't home. Steve didn't care about Pony. The rules should cease to exist. Pony should be able to do whatever he wants. Steve should understand wanting that freedom when Darry didn't need to know about anything that went on. Pony couldn't help but figure that Steve just acted that way to get on Pony's nerves, not because Darry told him to.

There was a slight knock on the door. "I'm going to work. I'll be back by dinner."

"Okay," Pony quietly replied. He heard footsteps head down the stairs and the door open and close. After a few minutes, Pony got himself out of bed and got into the shower. The hot water felt good. Just getting cleaned up felt good. When Pony got dressed and headed downstairs, he heard the phone begin to ring.

"Hello?" Pony answered.

"Hey Pone, it's Soda."

"Oh hey Soda," Pony greeted, "Did you guys make it okay?"

"Yeah, we made it yesterday evening. We pretty much ate dinner and then went to bed. We were tired."

"I bet."

"How are things going there?" Soda asked.

"Okay," Pony rolled his eyes.

"Is everything okay?"

Pony didn't bother getting into last night. If Steve hadn't called Darry to tell him about it, at least Pony had that on his side. "Yeah, we're fine. Really," Pony said trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"Okay, well I'm going to get back to things. Call us if you need anything, okay?"

"Got it."

"Love you Pony."

"Love you Soda," Pony hung up the phone.

Ponyboy spent the first couple of hours making himself breakfast, getting the house in order, doing some laundry, cleaning some dishes, and watching TV. Later on, Two-Bit and Johnny had showed up and the three of them walked to the park and played football for most of the day. When they returned to the house, they set up a card game at the kitchen table.

"Hello!" a voice called as the front door opened. The three boys peeked from the kitchen and saw Steve walk in with two boxes of pizza.

"Oh I knew there was a reason I came here," Two-Bit clapped his hands together and rubbed them, "Sorry Ponyboy, I had to pretend to like hanging out with you to get some food."

"And I knew there was a reason I got more than one," Steve grinned as he placed the boxes on the counter, "I'm gonna shower. You better save me some!"

After Steve got out of the shower, he walked into Darry's room to grab himself some clean clothes. Once he was dressed, Ponyboy showed up at the doorway. "Hey thanks for the pizza," Pony said running a hang through his hair.

"No problem," Steve said grabbing his comb and grease.

"Can I go to the movies with Johnny after we eat?"

Steve began putting his comb through his hair. "Sure. Be home by ten." Pony couldn't help, but roll his eyes. He agreed to end the conversation though.

Pony and Johnny got dropped off at the movies by Two-Bit. He didn't want to stay for a 'boring movie.' Pony was happy to get lost in the movie through. It was the perfect distraction. After the movie, the boys glanced up at the clock on the wall that was next to the exit door.

"You should be home by ten easily," Johnny commented.

"Forget that," Ponyboy snarled, "Let's go to the par or something."

"Are you sure? You don't want to make Steve mad."

"He's not my brother, he's not my dad. He's just a pain in my ass who wants to make my life difficult since Soda ain't here to stop him," Ponyboy snapped as he stepped outside.

Johnny was at his heels, "Pony, you know that's not true."

"It is! I don't know why no one else can see that," Pony pulled out a cigarette, "Let's just go walk around. Please."

Johnny shrugged, "It's not my ass that has to worry."

The boys walked to the Tasty Freeze for a couple of shakes, then made their way to the park to try some gymnastic moves on the monkey bars, found an abandoned Frisbee that they tossed for a while, and finally ended up at the lot just sitting and looking up at the stars. Ponyboy had no idea what time it was by the time they walked to the Cade house for Johnny to head in. He walked by himself the rest of the way to his house. He didn't care what time it was then, he had a fun night that any of the other greasers would have been able to freely do.

Ponyboy walked up to the door. He was surprised to see Steve's car in the driveway. He thought Steve would've just gone out himself. Maybe there wasn't much for him to do without Soda around. Pony just shook it off. It couldn't have been that much later though. It didn't feel like him and Johnny did a whole lot, although Ponyboy wasn't the greatest at time telling. Either way, Steve couldn't be that mad at him if he was a little late.

Opening the door, Steve and Dally were sitting at the kitchen table playing cards. Really? Even Dally wasn't out causing trouble? Well, maybe Steve wouldn't care as much with Dally around.

"Pony?" Steve asked getting up from his chair.

"Yeah, it's me," Pony began removing his shoes.

Steve walked out of the kitchen and through the living room. "Pony, I thought I told you to be home at ten. It's almost twelve," Steve began.

'Okay, maybe it is a little late,' Pony thought to himself. He couldn't help, but roll his eyes in front of Steve, "Steve, what's the big deal? It's summer vacation, so I'm just enjoying myself." Pony began going upstairs with Steve at his heels.

"That's fine you want to have fun, Pony, but you still need to be thinking with your head. You don't even try to call if you're going to be late from when I ask you to be home!" Steve's voice raised as he followed Pony into his room.

"Steve!" Ponyboy turned at Steve face-to-face, "Stop trying to be Darry or even Soda at me! You don't give a shit about me anyway! You're trying to do all these rules like Darry just to get on my damn nerves!"

"Oh yeah, you have it all figured out, don't you kid? If I didn't give a shit about you, then why am I even here?"

"Because you care about keeping Soda happy," Pony turned away and began shuffling through his drawers.

Steve sighed, "Ponyboy, look, you are right that normally I wouldn't care as much about rules. Normally I would have literally just sat around and made sure you didn't burn the house down and that you eventually showed up back home each night. This is a little different though. If you got in trouble with the fuzz and Darry wasn't even here, that could get you guys in a lot of trouble. I obviously don't want that for you guys..."

"Oh drop it," Pony pulled out a clean t-shirt, sweats, and slammed his drawer shut. He was sick of the gang thinking he couldn't handle himself if anything serious were to happen to him. It was just a poor excuse for Steve to use. "If I got taken by the state, then you'd have Soda to yourself."

He could hear Steve groan as he debated with himself to either go on or leave it be. "Just use your head, kid. You think you got me figured out, but you don't. Far from it." Pony turned as the door was closed.

"Oh I don't have you figured out, huh?" Pony muttered to himself, "Stop pretending to care about me."


	4. Chapter 4

**Sunday Night**

Steve was woken up in the middle of the night. He sat straight up in Darry's bed and listened in. He could've sworn he heard a cry or a yell. Waiting for a moment, nothing happened. Right before he was going to dismiss it, he heard a loud mumble from the other room.

"What in the hell?" he said quietly as he got out of the bed. He opened the bedroom door and heard the mumbling still. It was coming from Ponyboy's room. Steve took the few steps between Darry's room and Pony's when a yell happened. It made Steve's heart leap from his chest. He slammed the door opened and saw Pony tossing in his bed.

"No..." Pony mumbled through cries, "Just stop...please..." Steve walked over to the bed as Pony let out another loud cry.

He got down on the floor on Pony's side of the bed and just held his hand. "Ponyboy, I'm right here. You're okay, it's just a nightmare." Steve kept repeating himself as Pony began to settle. After a few minutes, Pony's eyes began to blink open. They immediately let out tears and beads of sweat formed under Pony's hairline.

"Steve?" he asked through whimpers. He quickly wiped at his eyes, furiously trying to shove the tears away.

Steve continued to hold onto Pony's hand, "Are you okay?"

Ponyboy just looked up at the ceiling. He was mad and embarrassed. He hadn't had a dream about his parents in a while. Why did they have to come back now? Why did they have to reappear this week of all weeks? When Steve was here? When his brothers were gone?

"Was it your parents?" Pony continued to be silent. He didn't know what to say. If he spoke, no words would actually come out and he'd probably start bawling like a baby. Couldn't Steve just leave him alone? "Soda told me you've had nightmares about your parents. He told me they got better. Have they been coming back?" Pony closed his eyes tight. Every word Steve spoke made another tear fight to come out. He slowly shook his head in response though. It was the truth. Tonight was the first time a nightmare had occurred in a long while. Pony figured he shouldn't be surprised Soda told Steve about his nightmares. It didn't make him feel any better though. He just felt more embarrassed. "What happened in it?" Steve asked. Why did he care?

Ponyboy turned his head away from Steve as he opened his eyes. He wiped quickly as tears managed to escape.

Steve let go of Pony's hand, stood up, and leaned against the dresser. "I remember those dreams."

Pony looked over at Steve with confusion. "What?" his voice cracked.

Steve stood himself up straight, "After my mom died, I had nightmares like that. When Soda told me about these dreams you have, I was able to give him tips on how to help you through them. They feel like they just take over you. Almost worse than regular nightmares. It's a real terrible feeling, like you can't move or scream loud enough. I went through the same thing."

"Wow," Pony wiped his eyes again as Steve described the situation perfectly, "I didn't know that."

"Yeah," Steve nodded staring off into the distance, "It was really...really hard."

Pony sat himself up in his bed. He couldn't imagine tough Steve being vulnerable over a dream. "What happened in yours?" Pony managed to ask.

Steve sat down at the foot of the bed, "Did Soda ever tell you how my mom died?"

Pony shook his head, "I don't think so. I think I was really young when it happened."

Steve nodded, "Yeah, you couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. Well, she had been sick for a long time. I was maybe 1 or 2 when she found out she had cancer. She beat it though. Then it came back. She beat it again. Then it came back again. I never really understood what was going on, because I was so young and it just seemed normal in my life. It was all I knew in my life was my mom was sick a lot. I almost thought it was normal for someone to go to the hospital for a period of time, and then be done. My dad wasn't really helpful about telling me either. My grandma, her mom, would stay with us to help out."

"Wow," Pony couldn't believe what he was hearing. He never realized how little he knew about Steve's mom. He never really thought to ask as no one really made a big deal out of it.

"So, when I was almost 9, she had one of her appointments. That appointment changed it all. I don't remember it very clearly, but I do remember she was staying in bed more often and just wasn't herself anymore. Things had gotten bad," Steve swallowed, "My grandma sat me down and told me my mom wasn't going to be around much longer. I was confused. My grandma explained to me what death was, but I don't think I completely understood it right then and there."

"Were you scared?" Pony asked, feeling stupid as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Steve nodded, "Oh yeah, I was scared. I remember my dad pretty much being the same as he is now, so I'm sure you can imagine our relationship back then too. Anyway, the doctor thought she would go within a couple weeks. I guess the cancer was pretty aggressive at that point. A few months went by though. I guess my mom was getting fed up with it. She just didn't want to keep trying. She knew her time was up and she was just waiting to finally go. She couldn't do anything by herself. I could only imagine how many medicines she was depending on to stay comfortable. One day I found her though. In her bed. Empty bottle of pills and an empty liquor bottle."

"I'm confused," Pony wasn't sure what Steve was getting at.

"The cancer didn't kill her exactly," Steve looked out the bedroom window, "She was so close to being a vegetable, but the cancer wasn't killing her as fast as they had expected. She decided to end it herself. End that frustration. Take herself out of the pain she was in."

"She killed herself!" Pony almost yelled. He threw his hand over his mouth as soon as he realized what he said, and who he said it to.

Steve looked over at Pony slightly wide-eyed, obviously not expecting him to say it like that. He slowly nodded, "Yeah. She did."

"Steve..." Pony didn't know how to find the right words to say he was sorry. It would have been horrible for his mom to do that, let alone if he would have found her like that.

"Don't worry about it, kid. If Soda had said anything, I would assume he would've told you the same thing a lot of the town thinks...cancer killed her. But," Steve sighed, "That wasn't exactly the case."

Ponyboy pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He had no idea that happened to Steve. He knew Steve's mom died a long time ago, but he didn't think anything weird of it. And if he was going to be honest with himself, he didn't have much care to question Soda on what happened to Steve's mom. Just like no one really questioned what was going on with Dally's parents whereabouts all the time.

"Anyway," Steve got himself more comfortable on the bed, "I grieved her death for a while from what I could understand of it at that age. Then I was okay. I got older though, and realized what really happened with her. I realized what I really walked in on. Then the nightmares started. I had this nightmare over and over again where I would walk in her room and she was dead."

"Just like how you really found her?" Pony asked.

Steve shrugged, "Honestly I don't really remember. I couldn't really remember the details of what happened up to her death. I assumed the dreams were my memories I didn't realize I had of it all though. It shook me awful too."

"What did you do?" Pony asked realizing Steve probably didn't have a Sodapop to comfort him in the middle of the night like he does.

"Well, things got a little ugly with me. My dad has always been...well, not really there. I didn't tell him about the dreams or anything. I didn't really tell anyone. It got me depressed. The dreams took over me and I was stuck in them. I didn't want to sleep, so I would fight it. If I'm going to be honest, I had some suicidal thoughts. I wanted to be done with it, because I figured my life was stuck like that and I didn't want that shit," Steve explained.

"Wow," Pony said.

"I finally brought it up to my dad, kind of. I told him I needed help getting mom and her death out of my head. He didn't really ask questions, he just brought me to the doctor and I spilled everything to them. They put me on some medication, I think because I admitted to wanting to just be gone from that life."

"Did it help?"

Steve nodded, "It did. I told Soda about everything, so he helped me a lot too. I had to go to some therapies too since I admitted being suicidal. They gave me techniques to help get through the nightmares."

"Do you still do all of that? The medicine and therapy?"

Steve shook his head, "I haven't gone to therapy for quite a while. If I have my moments, I'll go back for a quick venting trip and be done. And then I was only on the antidepressants for about a year. I can still get some, but I don't need them daily anymore. I just take one if I really need it, but it's not that often. I've found my coping ways when all of that shit sneaks up on me."

"So," Pony looked down at his knees, "The stuff that Soda does, and Darry, when I have nightmares are things they got from you?"

Steve nodded.

"Huh...I never would've guessed that. I didn't realize you had gone through all of that."

Steve shrugged, "I really only talk to Soda about things like that, and he knows I only trust him to know." Steve couldn't help, but smile, "Apparently he keeps secrets well.

Ponyboy nodded, "I'm sorry Steve."

"For what?"

"I don't know. I never thought you really dealt with anything like that. I never would've guessed that. I didn't think you cared about me, at all," Pony admitted.

"I know I probably come off as a hard ass," Steve shrugged, "That's just my personality. You may get on my nerves from time to time, but I don't hate you. I've had my share of struggles. And I know how terrifying this all is, so when Soda told me about the nightmares, I didn't want you to just deal with it. I wouldn't want you to go down the road I had to go down."

"Thank you. I just don't know why I had another nightmare tonight. It has been a while."

"They can pop up from time to time for me too, kid. Probably won't ever be gone for good, but we can manage them."

Ponyboy nodded. He slowly sunk himself back under the covers, "I'm starting to feel a little better."

"Good," Steve got off the bed and headed for the bedroom door. He stopped and thought about his past for a moment. He sure wished he hadn't gone through all of that alone. Turning back to Ponyboy he asked, "Do you want me to stay in here tonight?"

Pony thought for a minute and nodded. Steve settled himself into Pony and Soda's bed. As soon as Steve settled into soft breathing, Pony couldn't help but feel secure. He felt himself calmly fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Monday**

Ponyboy woke up late the next morning. He noticed Steve had already left the bedroom. Pony made his way downstairs and saw it was nearing the afternoon already. Nightmares could certainly exhaust him when they happened. As hard as the night was, from the nightmare to talking to Steve to hearing all Steve had to say, he did feel rested from sleeping so late. He couldn't believe all Steve had told him from his past though. Pony had no idea Steve struggled with the same thing he struggled with from time to time. Not only did he struggle with nightmares, but he had a traumatic experience with his mom's death. Being around Steve a lot, on the outside Pony would have never guessed there was any inner struggles. Why didn't Soda ever tell him all of this about Steve? Was he worried how it could effect Pony?

"Steve?" Pony called out as he walked across the living room towards the kitchen. There was no answer. "I didn't think he had to work today," Pony said to himself. Shrugging it off, he decided to go upstairs and take a shower.

As the shower ran down his body, Ponyboy could feel his mind trying to process all Steve told him. Not only did he admit to having similar nightmares about his mom and her death, but the way she died made Pony shiver. Pony couldn't imagine walking in to find his parents like that, or even his brothers. He didn't want to imagine what that would feel like. Pony didn't have to see his parent's bodies after the car accident. He was able to see their bodies at the funeral cleaned up some. Darry had to identify the bodies, and Ponyboy didn't ever ask him what they looked like. He was able to remember how they looked alive, and he was grateful for that. Steve found his mom, and Pony had no idea how she would've looked after what she did. How long had she been dead when Steve found her? How was Steve not a mental train wreck over that?

Pony quickly got out of the shower, wanting to escape where his mind was going with everything. He was just going to keep asking himself questions, but he didn't want to ask Steve any of them. He didn't want to know, at least he didn't want his brain to want to know.

Pony decided the best place for him to escape would be the library. He could find a good book and just escape into a story. He could escape in a whole different world. He can live someone else's life for a while. Getting dressed and throwing on his shoes, Ponyboy left the house and began his walk to the library.

Later in the evening, Pony returned home from the library. Taking a walk around the neighborhood, going to the library to read a book, and then taking another nice walk was exactly what Ponyboy needed. He was feeling better and his mind felt at ease. As Pony removed his shoes and closed the door, he noticed the house was filled with a pleasing aroma. Walking into the kitchen, Pony found Steve at the stove cooking dinner. He didn't know what was being made, but it was the best smell the kitchen ever had in it since his parents died.

"Hey," Steve greeted.

"Hey," Pony walked over to the fridge and grabbed a Coke.

"What did you do today?"

"I was just at the library reading," Pony said as he looked past Steve at the food cooking. There was chicken with mashed potatoes and vegetables. "Oh so food is suppose to look like that when you don't use food coloring."

Steve laughed, "No, I was not the one who showed Soda how to experiment with cooking."

Pony smiled, "As soon as he found out what food coloring did to food, there was no stopping him." He walked over to the cupboard and began pulling out dishes to set the table. As Steve finished up the food, he started moving it over to the table and the boys began filling their plates.

"There's a lot of food," Pony commented.

Steve shrugged, "When I do cook, I usually make a lot at home so I have leftovers for a while. Besides, I'm prepared for everyone else to show up and you know everyone's weakness in this gang is food."

When Ponyboy took the first bite, he formed a slightly shocked look on his face. It appeared to amuse Steve too. "Oh my God," Pony finally said after swallowing.

"It's good, huh?" Steve smiled.

"You can cook? Like _really _cook?" Pony asked, "Since when?"

"Do you remember that one summer, your parents took you guys on that big road trip?"

"Yeah? That was like 3 or 4 years ago."

"I was very bored," Steve smirked, "Found one of my mom's cookbooks and just started fucking around. Found out I have a bit of a touch with food, which is good because I do like to eat."

Pony shook his head, "Just more and more surprises about you."

"Told you you might not know me that well," Steve winked.

"Yeah, yeah," Pony smiled. He continued to eat when a realization came over him. "Wait a second..."

"What?"

"You're telling me that you know how to cook food really, really well. You've known how to for a few years now. It's delicious and you were completely aware that you could make really good food."

"Yeah, so?"

"And you've been watching me eat Soda's cooking for the past year?"

Steve laughed, "Sorry, kid. I don't need everyone knowing, otherwise Darry would have my ass over here cooking all the time."

Ponyboy shook his head, "I should hate you for this."

"But you won't."

"A little hard feelings though," Pony said.

"How about this? Whenever I cook at home, you can come over and eat some of it," Steve smiled, "Does that make up for it, kid?"

Pony shrugged and nodded, "That will do."

Ponyboy finished getting ready for bed as he heard Steve on the phone downstairs. He took a seat on the top of the stairs and listened in, figuring his brothers must have called to check in.

"No, no, it was a slow day. We just hung out here all day, and Pony went to the library for a little bit, and we stayed in tonight," Steve was saying, "No Soda...no Soda...Soda, gees, no I promise, everything is just fine...Soda, if he was annoying me that bad, I'd just lock him up with a bowl of water until you get home..."

Ponyboy couldn't help but smile at Steve's wisecrack. A few days ago, Pony wouldn't put it past Steve to really want to do that to him. Now, their relationship just seemed very different. They had a big connection. Pony learned a lot about Steve, and he didn't feel Steve was looking down on him. He wasn't sure why Steve told Soda they hung out at home all day though. He figured Steve had gone to work. Pony got up from the stairs as Steve finished the phone call and went into his bedroom. He began settling in bed with a book and began to read. He did remember that if nightmares were worrying him, he should try exhausting his brain with reading. When Steve got off the phone, he walked upstairs and appeared at Pony's doorway.

"I wasn't sure if you already fell asleep," Steve said, "You can call Soda tomorrow."

"That's fine," Pony replied putting his book down. He sat himself up in the bed, "How does it seem to be going there?"

Steve nodded as he leaned against the doorway, "Good. Soda said he's going through a lot of memories and stories of your dad. He's worried I may have killed you or you may have ran away."

"Maybe I won't call him tomorrow and freak him out."

"Pfft, he'd race back here."

Pony laughed, "Yeah he would. Hey, did you not go to work today? I thought that's where you were all day."

Steve walked further into the bedroom and sat on the bed, "No. I went to go talk to my therapist today."

"What? Why?"

"I told you sometimes I still go see her. After telling you everything last night, I just felt like I had to go talk a little bit."

"Oh," Pony looked down at his blanket, "I'm sorry."

"No," Steve shook his head, "It's not your fault. Sometimes I go through moments and just need to go talk to her. Lighten my chest a little bit. And then I went to visit my mom for a while."

"Are you sure it's not my fault?" Ponyboy asked.

"No way, kid. It was nothing you did. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Pony nodded, "Alright. I'm still sorry."

"Don't sweat it," Steve patted Pony's leg, "But, if you're interested, you could come talk to her too."

"What do you mean?" Pony asked confused.

"If you want to talk to a therapist about the nightmares and all you went through from your parent's death, maybe she can guide you a little bit."

"I don't know, Steve. I haven't had the nightmares in a while. Really, I haven't. Maybe last night was just a fluke thing since Darry and Soda are gone."

"I know, but the offer is there if you want me to take you to meet her this week," Steve stood up.

"Thanks, Steve."

As Steve approached the doorway, he turned back to the younger greaser. "Do you want me to stay in here tonight?"

Pony thought for a minute and then nodded, "Yeah." Steve walked back over and got himself in the bed. He faced the doorway as he turned off the lamp next to him. Pony turned off his lamp, and scooted closer to Steve, laying his head against Steve's back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tuesday**

When Pony woke up, Steve was still in a deep sleep. He hadn't slept the greatest as he thought about the previous night. Ponyboy couldn't help, but feel slightly guilty about Steve having to go vent to his therapist after laying everything about his mom on him. It couldn't be something easy for him to talk about no matter how long it's been. He wasn't sure how he felt about the idea of going to talk to a therapist himself though. Darry and Soda had never brought up the idea, but maybe it never got serious enough for them to look into it. It probably wasn't for everyone. Steve mentioning it made Pony think about it though. What would he even say or talk about? What would the therapist say back?

He slowly replaced his head against Steve's back. It was starting to feel as comforting as Soda's back to lay on. Pony didn't feel tired enough to go back to sleep, but at the same time, he felt too mentally tired to do anything. He just couldn't understand why. Steve did lay a lot of new information on him, but Ponyboy couldn't figure out why that would effect him so much. He wasn't the one who had to go through all of that. It doesn't change what happened to his parents or all he had gone through in his grieving process.

Not wanting to get lost in his own head again, Pony got himself up and out of the bed. Going downstairs, Ponyboy made his way into the kitchen and began dialing the phone. Maybe if he got some answers, his mind could settle. If he heard someone talking to him, maybe his mind would just go elsewhere.

"Hello?"

"Hi Aunt Julie, it's Ponyboy."

"Well hi Ponyboy. How are you doing?" Aunt Julie asked. Ponyboy didn't have a lot of memories with Aunt Julie, mostly holidays and some birthdays, but he always remembered her as a sweet woman.

"I've been good. How is it going over there?" Pony asked.

"Good, good. Thank you for letting Darry and Soda come help us out, they have been a huge help for me!"

"Really? Even Soda?" Pony joked.

Aunt Julie laughed, "Well, he's having fun going through everything while Darry actually organizes it. That's okay though, he's bringing some things back for you to see too. Did you want to talk to one of them?"

"Yeah, can you get Soda for me please?"

After a few minutes of silence, the receiver got picked up again. "Hey Pony," Soda greeted, clearly unsure if Pony wanted to just say hi or vent about Steve-related troubles, "Everything going okay?"

"Yeah," Pony responded, "Things are actually going really good."

"That's great to hear buddy!" Soda said sounding pretty excited, or relieved, "I miss you."

"I miss you too. Hey, can I ask you something?" Pony asked, peering around the corner to make sure he was still alone. He wasn't planning to ask Soda, but he was too curious not to. Steve had to expect he would ask Soda anyway.

"Yeah, of course."

Pony sighed, "Why didn't you tell me about Steve and his mom?"

Soda didn't answer right away. He was debating what Pony meant by that, and he was confused what had been going on while he's been away. "What do you mean?" he finally asked.

"I had a nightmare about mom and dad again."

"Oh no, really Pony? I'm so sorry I wasn't there for that. Are you okay?" Soda asked with a guilty tone.

"I am okay, really. Steve came to help me out and I was okay. But he also told me the truth about his mom. The whole truth. How she was sick, how he found her dead, how he got depressed and thought about...just everything," Ponyboy listed.

Soda was silent again as he thought of what to say, "Well Pony, honestly it sounds like you heard it from the right person. It wasn't really my place to tell you, you know?"

"I guess. I just had no idea, at all about what he had dealt with. I knew his mom had died, but I didn't know how serious it was and what happened to him afterwards," Pony ran a hand through his hair. He didn't want to picture Steve debating to harm himself, but he couldn't help it.

"Pony, I didn't keep it from you for any big reason. It really was just up to Steve. And it wasn't just you, Steve didn't want me to tell anybody. He decided how and when he wanted to tell anyone. Darry even learned about it from him, not me," Soda explained, "I don't even think anyone in the gang knows the whole story, and I mean the _whole _story except me. I can't remember if he told Darry everything, but I don't think Dally or Two-Bit or Johnny know all of it."

"Did you now about it at the time it was happening?" Pony asked.

"Mostly, yeah, at least I think so. I know I eventually knew everything. I was just the person he could go to to talk. I was the person who could understand him, as best as I could anyway."

"I just...I always thought he was such a hard ass and just hated me and everything, but now that I know what he has gone through and everything...it just changes a lot of things, you know?"

"I know Pony. I knew if he ever told you, it'd cause a lot of thinking for you. But I don't want you to worry about Steve, okay? He has gotten a lot of help over the years. Except for the times he seems to be a hard ass," Soda chuckled, "He still has things to work through, he may always have things to work through. And you know, his dad isn't the biggest help either. He's never really been there for him."

"I know, I know. I guess it's just a lot for me to process right now. He also told me that he did tell you how to help me with my nightmares."

"Yeah, he did. Me and Darry didn't know how to fix those nightmares. One day I confided in Steve, because I was just so scared for you. And Steve told me things to help you, stuff I didn't even realize he had learned from therapy," Soda explained.

Ponyboy nodded, "Yeah. I'm glad he could help, because I don't know where I'd be now if the nightmares still continued or you and Darry still couldn't help me through them." A flash thought appeared in Pony's mind of Steve not having that help, and just being ready to give up.

"I know, buddy, I know," Soda said, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I think it's just a lot to take in, but I'm okay," Pony responded, "Steve and I are getting along real good though."

"That's great, Pony. I told you things would be just fine."

"Yeah, yeah," Pony smiled, "I'll see you guys in a few days."

"I'll call you tonight. Talk to you soon. Bye."

"Bye," Pony hung up the receiver. Leaving the kitchen, Pony found Steve sitting on the couch. "Hi," Pony greeted, unsure how much Steve had heard.

"Hey," Steve said back.

"You heard?" Pony asked.

Steve nodded as he stood up from the couch, "Don't be mad at Soda for not telling you everything. If there's anything I learned, I had to tell people on my own time. And even though it happened so long ago, it's hard for me to just tell people. It's easier to just be that hard ass and not let anyone think there are demons in my life."

"I'm not mad at him or you," Pony said, "I think I am just trying to come to terms with it. Which sounds stupid."

"It's not stupid..."

"It kind of is," Pony interrupted, "I didn't go through that, so why should I be so bothered by it?"

"Soda was the same way, kid. He struggled as I struggled. When I have my down moments, he goes down with me. It just happens like that. You have a right to be confused about it. It's okay," Steve put a hand on Pony's shoulder, reassuring him.

"I just thought I was finally getting through my parents," Pony admitted looking at the floor.

"I hate to tell you this, kid," Steve sighed, "It doesn't go away." Steve pulled Pony into a hug.

Pony sighed, "I guess I already knew that. I didn't want to believe it."

"I know. Get dressed, we can meet the guys at the park. Let's go have some fun."

At the park, Steve and Ponyboy played football with Two-Bit, Dally and Johnny. It was a relaxing afternoon and it did help Pony. As much as he wanted an answer to officially be done grieving about his parents, he knew Steve was right. He knew they would pop up in his mind for the rest of his life, just like how Steve's memories of his mom would pop up in his mind the rest of his life. Maybe Ponyboy was just overthinking everything Steve told him though. The idea that Pony would possibly go down the same road was scary, but it didn't actually mean anything for him. If Steve had come to terms with it in his life and was okay, then Ponyboy had nothing to worry about for Steve or himself.

_Ponyboy was sitting on the couch in his living room watching TV. It was a calming day with the sun shining bright through the windows. Darry peeked in from the kitchen, "Hey Pony, can you go check on mom?"_

_Pony was confused. Their mom was dead. "Check on...mom?" Ponyboy slowly asked. Maybe Darry didn't realize what he had said._

_"Yeah, go see if she needs anything," Darry continued on. 'What?' Pony thought to himself. Suddenly the living room became dark as clouds seem to quickly take over the sunlight. What was going on? "I'm making some soup, so ask her if she wants some," Darry added in, oblivious to the sudden change in the weather._

_Pony stood up and slowly went up the stairs. 'Mom can't possibly be alive. She's been dead. What is going on?' Pony kept thinking to himself. He felt slightly scared, but he was also feeling hopeful to the thought of his mom being alive still. 'Maybe it was all a really bad dream.' Thunder suddenly cracked through the house causing Ponyboy to jump. He walked to the end of the hallway where his parent's room was._

_For some odd reason, Pony knocked on the door. Fear was taking over his hopefulness._

_There was no answer. "M-Mom?" Pony asked through the closed door. It felt odd to be calling out for his mom. Still no answer. __Pony gripped the doorknob, as tight as he could. He held his breath as the doorknob seemed to turn on it's own._

_Pushing the door open, Pony felt his legs begin to shake. There was his mom. She was laying in her bed, but she was lifeless. There was a broken whiskey bottle on the floor with pills scattered on the bed sheets._

_"Mom!" Pony screamed. He tried to run over to her, but there seemed to be a force holding him at the doorway. "Mom? What the hell? Darry! Darry! Help!"_

_"Mom? Are you okay?" _

_Pony looked over towards the voice that asked that. Steve was sitting in the corner of the bedroom, holding his knees to his chest. He looked frightened. "Mom? Wake up, mom."_

_"St-Steve?" Pony felt tears begin to stream down his face. He looked back over at his mom. Her eyes were wide open and her skin was white as can be. Out of the corner of his eye, Pony looked over and saw Steve make his way to the bed. He climbed onto the bed, and began wiping tears from his eyes. _

_"I'm coming mom," Steve whimpered as he began picking up pills from the bed. Pony watched in horror as Steve placed them in his mouth one by one. He felt his mouth open to scream, but nothing came out._

"Ponyboy, it's okay. Ponyboy."_ Ponyboy looked around for the calming voice saying his name, but couldn't find anyone. _"Pony, you can wake up. You're safe. Just relax and wake up." _Pony turned around and saw Steve right behind him. He was standing there just looking at Ponyboy. He began speaking again. _"Ponyboy, I am right here with you. You can wake up. You are okay."

Ponyboy felt his eyes shoot open. He shot straight up and looked around his bedroom frantically.

"Shhh, Ponyboy, you're okay. You're safe," Steve put his arms around Pony and held onto him. Pony felt himself shaking against Steve. "It's over. It's over." Pony forced himself out of Steve's arms and ran to the bathroom. He fell to the toilet and began emptying his stomach. Within seconds, he felt a hand on his back. When his stomach settled, Pony couldn't help but bawl.

"It's okay Ponyboy, you're okay."

Pony couldn't believe what he had just dreamed about. It wasn't even a memory, or even close to the truth of his mom's death.

"What happened Pony? What happened in the dream?" Steve asked. Pony couldn't bear himself to talk about what happened in the dream. He couldn't understand why he had that nightmare. It was the worst scare he's ever had. He couldn't tell Steve he was in the nightmare and he tried taking his own life. Ponyboy at least knew why he had his other nightmares. This one didn't make any sense. His nightmares had stopped, so why did this one happen? His nightmares had always been the same thing, his parent's car accident. This one was very different. Something was certainly going on in Pony's head that he couldn't understand.

Pony wiped at his eyes, "Steve..."

"Yeah?"

"I want to go talk to somebody."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I wish I could privately message all of my great readers, but I only have reviews from guests so I'll just thank you all here! Thank you all for the support, your reviews mean so much and keep me writing!

**Wednesday**

It was reaching 2:00 in the afternoon as Steve pulled into a parking lot. It was a small building. The first thing Ponyboy noticed was how nice it looked compared to some other buildings on their side of town. It kind of made sense since they were nearing where it could almost be considered Socs territory. The nightmare from last night was running in Pony's head over and over. He never got back to sleep. He didn't want to see his mother's body in the bed again, or Steve crawling around looking for pills to take to just end his misery. Ponyboy still didn't tell Steve what happened in his nightmare. How was he suppose to tell Steve that? There was no way he could go into that detail. It wasn't his fault, and he didn't want Steve to feel bad. Just talking about his mom made Steve had to go talk to his therapist, so Pony didn't want to know what it could do to Steve to tell him about his nightmare.

"Are you ready?" Steve asked as he removed the key from the ignition.

"I...I don't know," Pony replied feeling his hands get clammy.

"The first time is always...it's hard," Steve admitted, "Oh hell every time is hard. It's never really easy for me to walk in. It's not like I'm ever coming here with a good agenda."

Ponyboy swallowed, "Do you think I'm going to have to talk about the nightmare I had?"

Steve shrugged, "She'll ask, but it's not like you _have _to talk about anything. This is all for you, so you do what you need to do."

Pony looked down at his lap and slowly nodded, "Okay, I think I'm ready."

"Hello Ponyboy, I'm Rachel," Rachel extended a hand.

Pony returned the handshake as he walked into the room, "Hi." Rachel looked young and she looked very nice. She was a pretty woman with long brown hair and lively brown eyes. She didn't dress as professional as Pony imagined, but he liked it that way. It seemed to make him feel less tense and not like it was a professional setting.

"Hi Steve," Rachel greeted with a warm smile.

"Hi," Steve followed Pony into the room, "If it's okay, he said he wants me in here with him. At least for now."

"Of course, whatever makes you comfortable Ponyboy. Please take a seat."

Steve and Pony both took a seat on the dark blue couch while Rachel sat in her chair. Pony looked around and saw different paintings on the walls. There were scenery paintings, abstract paintings with warm colors, and a painting of some horses running in the wind that swirled in colors. Pony knew Soda would love to see that painting.

"So Ponyboy, I don't know if you know how therapy works, but the biggest thing you need to know is this is a safe place. Anything you say in here will stay in here. This is where you get to just let go of everything and really vent out your thoughts and feelings. And if at anytime, you feel like you want to talk about something without Steve here, just say so. Okay?" Rachel explained.

"Okay," Pony ran his hands on his jeans trying to dry the sweat off. Rachel was very nice, and it was making Pony feel more comfortable. Maybe he would be more willing to openly talk about his nightmare.

"First, let's start with something simple. Just for me to get to know you. How do you know Steve?"

"He's my older brother's best friend. My brothers are out of town, so Steve is staying at my house this week."

"Okay," Rachel nodded, "And how has that been?"

"It's been good," Pony nodded.

"That's good. What have you guys done together?" Rachel smiled.

Pony shrugged, "We've just hung out mostly. Played some cards, played some football, basketball, watched TV."

"Sounds fun," Rachel said, "How long have Steve and your brother been friends?"

Pony shrugged, "Forever. As far back as I can remember of my life, Steve has always been around."

"That's nice. And what made him bring you here today?"

Before Pony could answer, Steve stood up from the couch. Pony watched as he crossed his arms and began walking around the room. "Um," Pony spilled out of his open mouth as he turned to watch Steve walk around and look at some of the room's decor and artifacts. He turned back towards Rachel, "Should I keep going?"

Rachel leaned forward with a smile, "He does this when he's here. He just needs to be up and moving. Go ahead."

"Oh, well, Steve told me about his mom. Like everything," Pony began.

"And how did that make you feel?" Rachel asked.

"Surprised. I felt awful for him. He told me about it, because I had a nightmare about my parents a couple nights ago. I haven't had a nightmare for months now," Ponyboy explained.

"Do you want to tell me what happened to your parents?"

"They died in a car accident," Pony looked down at the floor.

"I'm very sorry to hear that," Rachel said, "So you guys have a little in common with losing parents and having nightmares, huh?" Pony looked back up. He turned around and saw Steve admiring, or at least pretending to admire, a painting on the wall. "I change the paintings in here for him sometimes. Gives him something different to look at when he decides he needs to come back in," Rachel explained, "I found that one at my dad's, Steve. I found it just last night and asked if I could borrow it for a while until you could see it."

"It's a tuff looking car," Steve commented.

Pony turned back around. He could tell Rachel and Steve had formed a relationship throughout the years. He shouldn't be so surprised though for how long ago things happened to Steve.

"So Ponyboy," Rachel continued, "Do you want to tell me why you decided to come see me? You and Steve talked about his mom, you had a nightmare that you haven't experienced in a while, and how did that lead to here?"

"Well, my brothers never really brought up me talking to anybody after all of this. But I guess Soda learned some techniques from Steve, and they seemed to work fine. But I figured if Steve could come talk to somebody, maybe it could do me some good," Pony shrugged.

"What would you like to talk about, specifically?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Pony admitted, "I have no idea what I'm suppose to talk about."

"Hey Steve?" Rachel spoke up, "Would you like to give Pony any guidance as to what you talk about when you come here?"

Pony could hear Steve begin to pace behind him. "I talk about when my mom was alive a lot. If I have a nightmare, I'll talk about what I remember in it too."

Pony gulped. He didn't want to tell Steve about his nightmare last night. "Any of those you want to talk about?" Rachel asked.

Pony began fiddling his fingers, "La-Last night."

"You had a nightmare last night? I'm assuming this wasn't the one you just mentioned about your parents?"

Ponyboy shook his head.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Rachel asked.

"I...I don't know," Pony turned to look at Steve again.

"Would you like Steve to leave the room?" Rachel asked.

"No," Pony answered immediately. He did feel some comfort with Steve in the room, like the comfort he got from Darry. If anything were to go wrong, Steve could use his tough ways to fix it, like Darry.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We can talk about something else?"

"I don't know what exactly happened in my dream," Pony lied, "I do know it wasn't like my usual, because I woke up...just terrified. But...I do think my mind is stuck on everything Steve has told me. Like I'm trying to sort it all out."

"It is a lot to learn about someone. It can change your perspective on people or even yourself."

"But that's the thing. It's almost like my mind is coming to terms with something that has nothing to do with me. I should be more worried about Steve coming to terms with that. Why can't my mind just let it go? Why am I becoming anxious over it?" Pony could hear his voice becoming slightly desperate. He didn't mean for it to be.

"Just because it didn't happen to you personally doesn't mean it won't effect you. He is your brother's best friend, and that can be quite a connection to you without you even realizing it. Especially if you can always remember him being around in your life. Deep down, you could be more worried about Steve than you realize. And maybe your mind just needs some more answers or clarification," Rachel explained, "And I can tell you, from how far Steve has come in all this time, you are free to ask him what you like. That's been quite a breakthrough, hasn't it Steve?"

"Yeah," Steve agreed, "I use to even shut Soda down on talking about it. He would never know if I ever came here or if I was having a rough week of nightmares or grieving or anything."

"And of course Steve does have that right. You also have that right when it comes to talking about your parents Ponyboy, you don't have to talk about them to anybody," Rachel added in, "We took a long time to get Steve to a point to be more open to talk about it. We have gotten to a spot where he may not start a conversation about it, but if you ask him questions, he may be more willing to talk. We just don't push him. And that's okay. Maybe you guys can talk about what is stuck on your mind, Ponyboy. And Steve can help clear up anything, if he feels okay to do so. But if there's something Steve isn't ready to get into with you yet, just relax yourself on it then. Be patient for answers."

Ponyboy took a breath and turned towards Steve. He didn't mean to right then and there, but he suddenly blurted out, "Did you really try to kill yourself?" After what he experienced in his nightmare, he couldn't help but ask. Steve never said he tried to harm himself, maybe that's why Pony couldn't quite come to terms with the reality of the nightmare.

Steve stopped and stared at Ponyboy. His face was full of disbelief. Apparently he didn't expect Pony to ask that either. Rachel calmly waited for Steve to think about where he wanted to go with this. Steve swallowed hard and went to sit on the couch. Pony almost wanted to take back the question as he felt he caught Steve off guard. If anything was constantly poking at his brain from the nightmare though, it was that.

"No," Steve calmly said, "I had thought about it, but never actually tried."

"You swear?" Pony asked.

"I swear, Ponyboy. I got help once the thoughts wouldn't leave me alone. It's the truth," Steve explained. He sighed before continuing, "You could say maybe the thoughts come back every now and then. But I don't give them a chance. As soon as I believe I need to talk, I come straight here. I learned to do that."

Ponyboy nodded, "Okay."

"See, Ponyboy? It does seem to be effecting you even if Steve isn't necessarily your best friend," Rachel explained, "You heard some crazy things from Steve. Things you've probably heard about in school or read in a book or saw on TV, but those weren't personal. When something is talked about a lot, but then it becomes a situation in our own personal reality, it's a lot different. Self-harm is a big deal, but Steve has never done that."

"Are you sure?" Pony asked, unsure why he couldn't just let it go.

"Yes, I can assure you. He is okay. Are you worried he's not okay?" Rachel asked

Pony shrugged, "I guess so."

"Do you not believe Steve when he says he's never tried to hurt himself?"

"I guess I'm not sure."

"Are you worried that you might try to hurt yourself from your nightmares?"

Pony shook his head, "I've never even thought about it. Maybe that's why when Steve told me his nightmares effected him to that point, I kind of freaked out."

"And you just want to know for certain that he didn't try anything, so you won't believe that you will try anything either."

"Yeah," Pony nodded, "That makes sense."

"Well Pony, I'll tell you this," Rachel folded her hands, "First, everyone is different. The way these nightmares effected Steve can be much different than how your nightmares effect you. You can continue to talk to Steve about his experiences, but don't think that necessarily means you'll go down the same path. That being said, the second thing I want to point out is if you ever, _ever _think you could put yourself in danger, please don't hesitate to call me. You can come see me too. You can even call Steve, because we've gone over techniques for him as well. As he pointed out, his technique is to come here and talk to me before those dangerous thoughts can get to him. Like the night he told you everything, he knew there was a chance he could begin feeling overwhelmed or have nightmares again, so he came here the next day to talk. He becomes proactive about it, which is perfect."

Ponyboy nodded. He looked over at Steve again, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so abrupt with that question."

"It's okay, kid," Steve smiled, "Really."

After the session, Pony felt a little better. He knew he may never get the clarification or answers he was wanting, but he would have to come to terms with that being okay.

"How are you feeling?" Steve asked.

"I'm okay. Does everyone in the gang know about all of this?" Pony asked.

Steve shook his head, "Soda and Darry know _everything._ Two-Bit and Dally know the truth about how my mom died. Two-Bit knows I've had struggles with it, but he doesn't really know about the therapy and stuff," Steve explained, "Like Rachel told you. I just had to figure out my own way of telling people and how much I tell them."

"Johnny doesn't know anything?" Pony asked.

"He knows the truth of how my mom died, but that's it."

"Well I won't say anything to anyone else in the gang since they don't know the other stuff," Pony assured.

"I appreciate that," Steve started the car.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thanks for the support you guys! I got awesome reviews for the last chapter. I'm thrilled to keep the story going. Enjoy!

**Thursday Afternoon**

Ponyboy had been thinking a lot about his therapy session yesterday. He never went into full detail about his nightmare with Rachel or Steve. He wasn't sure if his outburst question made Steve realize the nightmare must have including him trying to hurt himself in it though. Deep down, Pony hoped it wasn't that obvious. Steve never asked him about the nightmare the rest of the day. He must have known that Pony would talk about it when he was ready to, if he was ever ready to. Thankfully last night Pony didn't have any nightmares either. The problem was that it was because he didn't sleep well. He kept tossing and turning and even went to read a book a couple of times on the couch. It wasn't because Rachel and Steve didn't help. In fact, Rachel went over the same techniques she had with Steve, and she even adjusted some little things for what could personally help Ponyboy even more. What scared Ponyboy was he didn't want to go through the nightmare first to try the techniques. What terrified him was feeling the same feeling he felt when he woke up from that nightmare. He didn't know if he could go through that again. He didn't know if he could wake up from a nightmare and think straight enough to use the techniques. How did Steve go through it so many times? How did he not go crazy?

"Hey Ponyboy, I got to talk to you," Steve said as he entered the house from work. Pony had enjoyed the little alone time he had while Steve worked for a few hours. He got to relax and get his mind at ease from everything. He started keeping busy by cleaning a little bit since Darry and Soda would be home in a couple of days.

Pony was organizing the newspaper and magazines on the coffee table when Steve had walked in. He was slightly nervous that Steve was going to bring up the nightmare, or maybe he knew Pony didn't sleep well last night and wanted to talk about that. His tone didn't sound concerning though, so Pony also was a little confused what else he could need to talk about. "What's up?"

"I'm going out tonight," Steve announced.

"Okay?" Pony asked confused. He wasn't sure why Steve was telling him that. In fact, Pony thought Steve probably deserved a night out. He probably needed it. "You know I don't expect you to just stay here with me all the time, right? I don't even think Darry expected that of you."

"No, I know. It's just I'm just telling you, because I have some things to take care of, so I'd like it if you could just stay in tonight, okay?" Steve asked, "It's just something with Shepard and it'd be easier for me if you were just here and I didn't have to wonder where you might be."

Pony sat on the couch with curiosity, "Take care of what?"

"It's nothing for you to worry about," Steve abruptly said as he began going up the stairs.

Pony stood up and began following Steve. He could sense Steve was hiding something and was trying hard not to go into detail about it. "Oh come on, Steve. Don't start this me being too young shit again."

"That's not what this is about at all," Steve assured as he stopped in the hallway and turned to face Ponyboy. For once Steve actually sounded genuine with that response, not annoyed.

"Then what's going on?" Pony asked, "I can handle it."

Steve sighed, "Well first of all, I want you staying home because I really don't know when I'll be back. So, if you're just here then that's easier for me and less for me to worry about."

"Okay and?" Pony asked, not being fooled that Steve had already said that to him.

Steve shrugged while shaking his head, "Tim Shepard just needs my help with something. Just a little brawl."

"A rumble?" Pony asked.

"No, not a rumble. I really can't tell you, because then I have to tell you the whole backstory and that will take all night. Just some stupid gang shit that Tim is dealing with and he wants my help," Steve said obviously trying to get off the topic, "Just promise me you'll stay in tonight."

Ponyboy sighed and rolled his eyes, "Fine. I'll see if Johnny can come over or something."

"Cool," Steve said as he made his way to the bathroom for a shower. Pony couldn't help, but be confused. Usually if Tim Shepard needed the greasers help with another gang or the Socs, he would go to Dally. Sometimes he'd include Two-Bit or Steve, but it was rare. If it was a fight, he'd ask as many greasers as he could. Maybe Tim knew Darry and Soda weren't home, and he was asking Dally and Two-Bit too, and they just didn't want to involve Pony since his brothers were gone. Pony hated times like this, because his head would just spin wanting answers.

* * *

Steve left around 8:00 that night. Pony was surprised how long it took him to leave. Steve still gave him no answer on how late he'd be out, so Pony wasn't sure how long to wait up. Steve also didn't say if there would be a certain time to start worrying about him, so Pony didn't know what to do with that information either. It only made him more curious to what Steve was up to. Johnny had been at the house for a couple of hours by then. At least Pony would have some company. "Where is he going?" Johnny asked after Steve left.

Pony shrugged, "He said he had to help Tim Shepard with something."

"Really? What?" Johnny asked.

"I don't know. I figure maybe they are going after someone. Dally's probably going, maybe even Two-Bit."

Johnny got a confused look on his face, "I don't think so. Dally told me earlier that him and Two-Bit were going in town to find something to do. They invited me, but I didn't really want to go out tonight."

"Huh," Pony said, "I wonder what Tim needs Steve for then. I guess he said there wasn't going to be a rumble."

"Maybe Steve is just the right person for the job," Johnny suggested, "Whatever that could be."

An hour passed and curiosity was getting the best of Ponyboy. He wanted to go see what Steve was up to.

"Johnny, I want to find out what Steve could be doing. If they have to get back at somebody, why would it take so long? Why wouldn't Steve have any idea when he could be back?" Pony asked.

Johnny shrugged, "Do you even know where he is?"

Pony groaned, "No, he didn't tell me. We could try Shepard's place?"

"Alright, fine," Johnny agreed, "I guess we got nothing better to do."

Ponyboy and Johnny were use to walking everywhere when the rest of the gang wasn't around. They didn't mind it too much. The majority of their turf was in decent distance and all the neighborhoods were close. When they reached Tim Shepard's house, they went ahead and knocked.

"I don't see Steve's car. Or Tim's," Johnny commented looking up and down the street.

"Yeah, I know," Pony said wondering if they may have hit a dead end already. Pony didn't always like going to Tim Shepard's house. It was as intimidating as Tim Shepard, and Pony wasn't always the most talkative with Tim. Not that Tim was super talkative either.

The front door open and Curly Shepard stood there, "What's up Ponyboy?"

Pony got along with Curly fine. Darry didn't think Curly was the greatest influence, but it never seemed to rub off onto Ponyboy, so Darry didn't mind too much. "Hey Curly," Pony greeted, "Do you know where your brother may have went tonight? Steve might be with him."

"Yeah, they had to get even with some Socs I guess. Tim didn't care for me to go along. They went over to Yale Avenue, which is probably why they didn't want me to go," Curly explained.

Pony heard Johnny gulp. Yale Avenue was one of the points of the turf switch. It wasn't really considered either territory, because no one messed with that neighborhood. "Okay, thanks Curly," Pony said.

"Sure thing," Curly closed the door.

"Yale?" Johnny asked with fear in his eyes, "Pony we can't go over there. We can't be messing around there, you know that."

"I'm not saying we have to," Pony shrugged, "We can just go near there and see what's going on."

"Ponyboy, you can't be serious. This can't be that big of a deal to find out," Johnny argued.

"Well maybe we should. We should go make sure they are okay. You've seen how long they've been gone now. Steve shouldn't be risking himself over there either."

Johnny was silent for a moment, but shook his head, "I can't Ponyboy. I'm sorry, but I-I don't think I can. You shouldn't either."

Pony sighed, "Okay Johnny, it's fine if you don't want to. I'm going to check it out though."

"Pony," Johnny pleaded.

"Johnny, I'll be fine. I'm just going around the area to see what's up. I won't get involved. Just go back to my place, and I'll meet you there soon." Pony saw the look of worry in Johnny's eyes. "Johnny, I'll be okay. I won't do anything stupid, I promise."

Johnny finally nodded, knowing he had lost the argument, and began walking away. Pony started for the other side of the neighborhood towards Yale. There were many areas that were considered greasers turf and many areas that were considered Socs turf. That was the way gangs worked. That also meant there were many spots that turned from greasers turf to Socs turf. Yale Avenue was a dangerous one. It was around one of the toughest neighborhoods, and that's not just because of greasers or Socs. It was an area of people you didn't want to mess with, sketchy people, druggies, people like that. That meant that the greasers and Socs that did live over there were extra tough to deal with. They didn't associate with other greasers and Socs, they did their own thing and expected people to stay away. They knew how to handle those scary, sketchy characters and they didn't play well with regular greasers or Socs. You never heard of the gang using that way to get over to Socs turf for a rumble or anything, let alone the gang go over there for any reason at all. It made Ponyboy curious and worried why Steve would go over there. Whether it was adrenaline or Steve helping Pony feel more confident, he didn't feel scared to go over there.

As Pony got closer to Yale Avenue, he didn't notice anything going on. It just seemed quiet. The sketchy kind of quiet. His footsteps got closer, but he didn't see anything happening. Did they already come here and leave? Pony began hiding and jumping between homes and bushes to sneak around. He wanted to at least try and find someone, anyone. He almost gave up when he saw a few cars in the next street. He recognized Tim Shepard's car.

When he was about to make his way over, he froze at figures moving from the corner of his eye. Pony ducked behind a bush. He saw Tim, a couple of his gang members, and Steve sticking close to a house. Pony watched as they were making small talk. 'Are they waiting for a rumble?' Pony wondered to himself. He wanted to go over and find out from Steve, but now that he was hiding in a bush in a rough part of town, he didn't want to make Steve mad or cause any problems. Maybe he should just get back home. Then Steve started moving. Tim and his two guys were moving their heads around, obviously keeping an eye out while Steve walked out to do something. Now Pony grew even more anxious. Now he wanted to watch all the way through and make sure Steve would be okay. 'What did Tim Shepard get himself into?'

Ponyboy let out a yell as he was pulled back by his jacket.

"Who the hell are you?" a voice snarled. Pony was yanked around to face a big guy with two other guys behind him. Their faces were a mixture between gaunt-looking and scarred. Their teeth were disgusting and they could probably use a shower, or two, or five. You didn't need to be a genius to realize these were heavy users. That was bad news, and Ponyboy became frightened.

"Did Chains send you?" one of the other guys demanded. This was the moment Pony realized he had gotten himself into trouble.

"Hey! What's going on over there?" Pony heard Tim Shepard yell. Pony tried to escape the grip, but felt a sudden sharp pain enter his leg and he collapsed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thursday Night**

Steve rushed over as fast as he could. He collapsed right onto the road, hurting his knees, and yanked up Ponyboy. A fuzzy-state began to take over his brain. Shock began to overtake him. He couldn't believe what his eyes were going through as they witnessed Pony getting grabbed and then falling to the ground. It was an instant reaction for Steve to run over without thinking what could happen to him with those guys too. Ponyboy's eyes were slammed shut from the pain. Steve felt something drip onto his own arm. Blood was slowly pouring out of Pony's leg. Ponyboy had been stabbed.

"Ponyboy!" Steve yelled as the realization hit him, "Oh my God, why? Why the fuck are you here? You promised to stay home, damnit!" Without thinking, Steve got to his feet and began charging for his car. Swinging open the backdoor, he laid Pony down across the backseat. He reached down on the floor of his car and found an extra t-shirt. He wrapped it around the wound tightly. Slamming the door shut, Steve hurried to the driver's seat.

"Ponyboy, can you hear me?" Steve started the car and began peeling down the road. He didn't even know what Tim or his boys were doing or if they had left. He just had to get Pony some help and he had to do find it now.

There was a slight moan in the backseat, "Steve...Steve..."

"I'm right here Pony. We're going to get you help, okay?" Steve slammed his fist against the steering wheel, "Fuck!"

"Steve, it hurts," Pony cried.

"I know, I know. I'm hurrying. Just hold onto that t-shirt okay? Keep it tight," Steve said glancing through his rear view mirror. He couldn't completely see what Pony was doing while lying down. He wasn't really thinking straight either. The only thing Steve was trying to focus on was driving through the streets at top speed.

As Pony's crying intensified, he choked out, "What were you doing Steve? What was happening?"

Steve shook his head, "That's not important, kid. It had nothing to do with those guys though. You were just at the wrong place at a very wrong time. Just hang on, okay?"

Steve peeled into the parking lot. He knew he probably did the worst parking job in his life. Steve got Pony out of his car and carried him inside the hospital. Normally, greasers would know a thing or two about fixing injuries themselves. This was a stabbing that required stitches though. Darry knew how to stitch little cuts, but Steve couldn't fix this himself. He had no choice but to bring Pony to the hospital, even though he knew it would very likely get reported. The receptionist got Ponyboy admitted immediately.

Steve's heart was pounding through the process. He had been to the hospital before, but Pony was there now and it was because of him. It was all of his responsibility.

In the room, nurses began cutting at Pony's jeans while they tried cleaning away some of the blood to find the gash. Steve's stomach was turning as he watched all the blood. While they prepared the tools needed to stitch him up, Steve felt his chest hurt at watching Pony wince around. He was having a hard time staying relaxed while multiple people were walking around him doing different things. He didn't know whether to stand and focus on something else or sit down and watch.

"Steve, it hurts so bad," Pony managed to get out through the tears.

Steve wanted to be by Pony's side, but couldn't get past everyone. "Pony, it's okay, just let them fix it. It will be okay," Steve said as he moved around the moving heads. Steve didn't realize how much harder it was to watch someone go through pain than just to go through it yourself. He wanted to switch places. He wanted to switch badly.

"I want Darry," Pony begged, "I want Soda."

Steve felt a deep punch in the gut. It hadn't even hit him yet that he would have to call Darry and tell him about this. It never hit his mind what he was going to have to do soon. He hadn't thought that far ahead. He wanted to throw up. Racing out of the room, Steve got to the bathroom. He got into a stall and felt his strength diminish as he fell to the floor. Nothing fell into the toilet bowl even though his stomach continued to turn. A panic feeling began to rise and overtake. Steve turned to lean against the wall.

"Not right now," Steve muttered to himself. He felt his knees begin to clap against each other and his fingers dig into the tile floor. "It's okay...you're okay..." Steve repeated to himself over and over. His eyes were locked on an advertisement on the stall door. He began looking at the letters. He searched for patterns among the letters. He began counting groups of letters. When he felt his heart begin to slow down, he got himself up to his feet. Bending over, his hands rested against his knees, and he let a breath out. "You are okay," he told himself one last time. Standing straight up, Steve left the stall and went to the sink.

Turning the sink on, Steve splashed water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He took deep breaths. "You're okay, you need to be here for Pony right now." Steve's mind raced to Darry again. He didn't want to call Darry. He didn't want to face Darry. It would not go well, at all. Steve's face began to ache just imagining what Darry would do to him.

And then Soda flew into his mind. "Oh Soda," Steve looked down at the counter. Darry may bring on physical pain for this, but what would happen between him and Soda? Steve could feel his eyes water at the idea of Soda never wanting to speak to him again. He wouldn't blame Soda though. "I'm sorry Soda," Steve shook his head.

Back into Pony's room, the doctor got in and walked over to Steve, "What happened to him?"

Steve let out a sigh filled with anxiety and anger, "He...I was out with some friends, and there was a fight. He was suppose to stay at home, but he followed me and got in the middle of it." The doctor didn't ask anymore questions as he approached the bed to begin stitching Ponyboy. With them being greasers, the story did seem legit. The doctor probably heard that story multiple times a day. Whether he believed or not didn't seem to matter.

When everything was finished, Steve finally got to Ponyboy's side while the nurse wrapped bandages around Pony's leg.

"You're going to be fine, kid," Steve said.

Pony nodded with a weak smile, "I want Darry to come home."

Steve closed his eyes and nodded, "Trust me, as soon as I tell him, I'm sure he'll be in the truck racing home." Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and walked away from the bed. He began shaking his head. He couldn't believe he let this happen. He didn't want to even be around when Darry and Soda got home. What would Darry say? What would Soda say? Steve's anxiety was rising over telling them, but he was also getting on edge over not knowing what would happen.

"It wasn't your fault, Steve. I will tell Darry it wasn't your fault," Ponyboy said as if he was reading Steve's mind.

"It doesn't matter, Pony. You were under my watch and I let this happen," Steve replied. Peering out the door window, Steve saw the doctor at the desk. "I'll be right back, kid." Steve exited the room and hurried over to the doctor.

"Doctor," Steve began, "Do you have to report this? It's not his fault and it's not his brother's fault. It's all mine. The state doesn't need to get involved, does it?"

"It's not up to me how they handle it, son," the doctor replied. Steve let his head hang low at that response. That was another big worry to hang over Steve. If the doctor reports it to the authorities, would they be knocking at Darry's door demanding some responsibility?

* * *

Steve got Pony home. It was really late. Pony limped inside with Steve behind him. Pony didn't see Johnny anywhere. He must have left to go home or find Dally and Two-Bit.

"Are you doing okay?" Steve asked.

Pony nodded, "I'm just really tired. I want to go to bed."

Steve helped Pony to his room and helped him get into bed. As Ponyboy settled down for the night, Steve began rubbing his back. It didn't take long for Pony to fall asleep. Steve returned downstairs. A lot of emotion erupted inside of him. He couldn't help himself as he threw his fist against the kitchen wall. "Fuck!" he yelled. He knew what was coming next. Even though Pony asked him not to worry about it anymore, Steve knew he had to anyway.

His fingers slowly turned the dial. That feeling was going through his body. The feeling of regret and dreading what he was going to do. Mentally, Steve prepared himself to get thrown under a bus and shoved deep down into gravel. It was late at night, but he had to do this now or he wouldn't sleep. If he waited until morning, Darry would be angry at that too.

"Hello?" Darry tiredly answered. Figures Darry answered instead of their aunt. With a late call, Darry probably worried it was from home.

"Darry," Steve gulped, "It's Steve."

"Steve? What's wrong? Why are you calling so late? Is Ponyboy okay?" Darry's questions spilled out, each one another stab in Steve's chest.

"Darry, slow down. This...Ponyboy's okay, but this is not going to be easy to tell you," Steve dropped the phone from his ear and hit himself in the head with the receiver. He returned it to his ear.

"Steve, what the hell is going on?" Darry asked, beginning to sound impatient.

"Darry, what's wrong?" Steve heard Soda in the back. Steve groaned. This wasn't going to go well at all.

"Ponyboy got hurt," Steve finally let out.

"Ponyboy's hurt? How?" Darry demanded.

"He, um...he got st-stabbed..." Steve ran hand through his hair and gripped it tight. He was slowly tugging at his hair without realizing it.

There was silence. "What the hell are you talking about? How did that happen! Steve, what...Ponyboy...we put..." Darry struggled to get anything out.

"Darry, I'm so sorry, just..."

"Forget it. Fucking forget it, we are coming home right now." The phone hung up and there was silence.


	10. Chapter 10

**Friday Afternoon**

Steve helped Ponyboy out throughout the day. He went on like a regular day making Pony breakfast and getting him settled on the couch. He didn't tell Pony about the phone call after he went to bed. He just told Ponyboy that Darry and Soda were on their way home. Steve didn't want Pony to worry or get on edge over it. It was Steve's fault he got himself in this situation, and now he'd have to fix it. The question Steve wondered was if Darry would even let him fix it. That phone call gave Steve a rough night with very little sleep. Ponyboy wasn't stupid though, he knew what would be coming through that door soon. You didn't have to be a Curtis brother to know how Darry would react to all of this. Pony had even thought to himself how he could tell Darry what happened without it seeming as if it was really Steve's fault. Pony didn't even believe it was Steve's fault.

He could sense Steve being uneasy as he was silent most of the day. Pony could tell Steve was also pretty tired, as if he had been tossing and turning for the night. As Pony would relax on the couch watching TV, Steve was up and moving constantly just trying to keep busy. That wasn't like Steve, or really any of the greasers, unless something was really bothering any of them. The way Steve was acting didn't make Pony feel relieved at all about his older brothers coming home. Seeing Soda and Darry would make him happy, but he knew it'd be tense when they first got home. Originally, Pony had thought he'd have a rough week with Steve and he'd be overly relieved when his brothers got home. He knew he'd feel better with them being home to take care of him, but he wouldn't feel good when they confronted Steve about last night. Pony just felt bad, he didn't blame Steve for this. It was 100% his fault it happened. He shouldn't have let curiosity get the best of him. Pony felt he had made a stupid decision again, and this one was going to really bite him in the ass.

Steve's uneasiness kept Pony silent too, unable to think of any conversation to start with Steve.

It was early afternoon when the boys heard a truck pull into the driveway. Steve felt his stomach leap into his throat. He felt his heart stop. He stood at the doorway that was between the living room and the kitchen, and just waited. He was keeping his eyes on the front door. This was it. This is what it was going to come down to. Steve had no idea what he was even going to say yet. He hadn't even thought about it. He wasn't sure if he'd be given any chance to say anything. The front door flew open, causing Steve to slightly jump. Darry rushed straight over to Pony on the couch.

"Ponyboy," Darry sat on the couch and began looking his youngest brother over, "Are you okay? Where are you hurt?"

"I'm okay Darry, really," Pony slowly sat up, "It's just my leg. They stitched it, and I'm fine."

Soda had been behind Darry and walked over to Steve. He grabbed Steve by the arm and dragged him into the kitchen. Just by that, Steve could already tell he was going to feel much worse being yelled at by his best friend than Darry.

"Steve, what the hell happened?" Soda demanded, "I've never seen Darry so heated. He drove like a maniac all the way home. He wasn't able to tell me a lot of details, and we were so scared! You're so lucky right now, because I convinced Darry to take care of Ponyboy while I talk to you."

Steve didn't know what to say with that. Deep down, he knew the only person that could come before his friendship with Soda was Ponyboy. If Pony got hurt and it was Steve's fault, Soda was going to let Steve have it. Steve didn't blame him for that fact, he knew it was just what anyone else would do being that close to their family. In Soda's eyes, Steve knew he wasn't seeing him as his best friend right now. All Soda was seeing was a guy who harmed his little brother. Not only harmed, but could have possibly killed him. And on top of all of that, Soda wasn't here to stop it from happening or help instantly at the time it happened. Put it all together, Steve knew he was dealing with a rarely seen pissed off Sodapop Curtis. He wasn't dealing with his best friend.

Steve didn't even try to explain what happened. All he could spill out was, "He promised to stay home."

"Stay home? From what? Where the fuck were you!" Soda turned away as he gripped at his hair.

"Soda, calm down, please. It's not like I brought him to something he shouldn't have been in. He promised he'd stay here," Steve tried explaining. He wanted to find the right words to help his best friend just listen, but even Steve Randle didn't know the magic words to fix Soda in this.

Soda turned back to Steve, "Tell me where you were!"

Steve looked towards the front door and pointed towards it, "I..." Steve had trouble saying it as his mouth hung open. He knew once he told Soda where he was, he was in for even more anger from Soda. He wasn't going to approve where Steve went, even if Pony hadn't gotten hurt. He was going to think Steve was being stupid. Honestly, Steve was never going to tell Soda in the first place. It was going to be a secret. Steve had made sure Tim Shepard understood it wasn't going to be known Steve helped him with this sting. It wasn't suppose to happen like this. It was suppose to be quick and done and never looked back at again. Not only was Soda going to be mad about Pony's injury, he was going to be mad at what Steve put himself in and what could have happened to him instead. Steve sighed while looking back at Soda, "I was at Yale Avenue."

Soda's eyes widened, "Are you kidding me?"

"Tim Shepard wanted my help..." Steve added in, trying to spill out an explanation and maybe get Soda to understand and be fine with it.

Soda just shook his head, "Steve, we never go over there."

"I know, I know, but..."

Soda interrupted pointing towards the living room, "We don't go over there for obvious reasons! Like the one on my couch!"

"He was suppose to stay home," Steve said with a pleading tone, "Nothing was suppose to happen."

"Well it did Steve!" Soda yelled.

"Soda, I didn't mean for it to happen. Please I am so sorry," Steve begged.

"Are you Steve? Are you sorry?"

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Steve asked being taken aback.

"You were suppose to keep an eye on him and just keep him out of trouble. I know it wasn't how you wanted to spend a week, but I trusted you to put any bad feelings behind and just do it for me. Our needs should have been met first! You could have told Tim Shepard to go screw himself, because we don't deal with that shit to begin with!" Soda said angrily, "So are you really that sorry Pony got hurt? Or was he just some kid in the way of something exciting for yourself?"

"Soda, it wasn't like that at all!" Steve fired back. He couldn't believe what Soda was accusing him of. He couldn't tell if Soda was saying it out of anger or if he meant it. Was that what Soda was worried about all week? Steve had sour feelings towards Pony and wouldn't care for his safety?

"Get out," Soda pointed towards the back door.

"Soda, just please!" Steve pleaded.

"Get out now!" Soda yelled.

"Soda, wait!" Pony called out from the living room. Neither Soda or Steve moved. They just looked at each other. Steve waited for Soda to either give him permission to go into the living room or kick him out for good. Soda crossed his arms, looked at the floor and turned to go into the living room. Steve slowly followed behind. Once they were in the living room, Steve caught a glimpse of Darry and wanted to hide. Soda was right, he looked livid. Steve glanced over at Soda, but he was still looking towards the ground. He clearly was done talking to Steve. "Darry, Soda, it's really not Steve's fault. He told me to stay here and I didn't listen," Pony explained.

"His responsibility was to stay here with you," Darry responded, not taking his eyes off Steve.

"But he's done so much more for me while you guys were done. He's helped me a lot," Pony added in.

"Ponyboy, I'm sorry, but this is serious," Darry said.

"But Darry..."

"Ponyboy, I want you to just rest, okay? We can talk more later," Darry said softly before looking up at Steve with colder eyes, "Steve, outside."

Soda took a seat next to Pony while he watched his best friend and brother step out onto the front porch. Soda wanted to believe things actually went well, better than he would have originally imagined, but he couldn't believe Steve let things get so out of hand.

"Are you feeling okay?" Soda softly asked his little brother.

"It hurts," Pony admitted, "Really Soda, it can't be Steve's fault. He didn't make me go there."

"Ponyboy, I do get that. I know he didn't drag you out there. I get that, Pony, but Yale is no joke. Steve shouldn't have been there to begin with, because something serious could have gone down and then you would be here all alone. Something could have happened to Steve. Someone could have found out if Steve got hurt or something and then that puts you or us in trouble. Nothing good ever comes out of that place. Tim and Steve being confident enough to think they could go there and not get into any trouble...at all...is stupid of them. Steve made a bad call, a shitty call," Soda shook his head, not wanting to get too angry in front of Pony, "What was Steve doing with Tim Shepard anyway?"

Ponyboy shrugged, "That's honestly why I left to find him. He didn't tell me, and I got hurt before I could see what was going on. Steve was going somewhere though while Tim kept watch."

"Steve was going where?"

"I don't really know. As soon as he started walking away, I got picked up by those guys."

"Sounds like Tim trying to get revenge on someone maybe," Soda said, "Something real bad must have gone down to even make Tim Shepard go over there."

"But why Steve? Usually Dally would be his guy to get a little rumble on with. Dally wasn't there or anything. He had a couple guys from his gang, but they also kept watch. It was just Steve. It was only Steve that Tim asked for help. It was only Steve making a move," Pony explained.

Soda shrugged, "I guess Tim needed something Steve was good at. Something only Steve could..." Soda trailed off as he started thinking.

"What?" Pony asked.

"Hold on," Soda said getting up from the couch.

Darry closed the front door behind him as he stepped onto the front porch. Steve turned to face the oldest brother. It hurt for Soda to yell at him, but Steve was bracing himself to get physically hurt this time. "Darry, look..." Steve put his hands up in defense.

"Save it," Darry said.

"Darry, I would never..."

"Shut up, I'm talking!" Darry barked. Steve put his hands down and waited for Darry to continue. He had seen Darry furious before, but this was a different type of furious. Someone messed with Ponyboy. "Steve, I trusted you. This was a lot for me to do. It took a lot for me to let you stay here with Pony, let alone leave him to begin with. I have never done that. It wasn't easy at all. I worried the entire time, because I wasn't sure what would go down here. I didn't like the idea of Dally or Two-Bit staying here, I felt a little better about you being with Ponyboy, but I still worried. That type of phone call was my worst nightmare. I already had to go through the phone call of my parents not coming home, and now that phone call from you was giving me that same feeling. I worried myself over that type of phone call. And then...and then it happened."

Steve looked down at his feet, "I'm so sorry."

"What were you thinking Steve? You know Ponyboy thinks he's old enough to handle things and won't be told no. He thinks he has to be a part of things with everybody, and I don't blame him. I remember when you and Soda thought you had to hang around me and my buddies when you were little. You telling Pony that you were going to do something that greasers do was only going to make him want to be involved. Where the hell did you even go?" Darry demanded.

"Tim Shepard took me over to," Steve paused as he took a breath, "He took me over to Yale Avenue, and..."

"Yale!" Darry yelled, "Steve, are you...how could..." Darry angrily paced the porch.

"I know, Darry, I know."

"Not only does Pony have no business being over there, but you shouldn't be over there either! You're lucky you didn't end up in the hospital like Ponyboy, or even dead in the gutter!" Darry barked, "I was mad at this shit already, but now I'm even more furious. How could you let Ponyboy wander over there?"

"Darry, I know, it was stupid..."

Steve was interrupted as Soda opened the front door and closed it behind him. He looked Steve in the eye and asked, "You were going to steal a car weren't you?"


	11. Chapter 11

"What brings you here today, Steve?" Rachel asked. Steve had called Rachel after he got home and was able to get in the next day. He really didn't know where else to turn at this point.

"Something bad happened," Steve simply responded.

"With you and Ponyboy?" Rachel asked. Steve nodded. "Are his brothers home now?"

"They got home yesterday. They had to come home early," Steve looked down to the floor feeling the shame come over him.

"Why is that?" Rachel asked.

* * *

"What?" Darry asked in disbelief. He looked at Steve waiting for an answer.

When Steve didn't answer right away, Soda continued on, "Pony said you were with Tim Shepard. Dally and Two-Bit weren't with you guys. Tim must have needed you for something big that only you could pull off. What was it?"

"Well, I mean..." Steve's hand ran down the back of his neck.

"Just answer the question," Soda demanded.

* * *

Steve was silent for a minute. He still couldn't wrap his mind around everything. It still felt like a dream. How could the week go downhill so fast? Him and Pony had a new relationship and were getting closer than ever. Everything was going great, and one minute changed it all. One decision changed everything.

"Do you want to tell me why they came home early?" Rachel asked.

Steve stood up from the couch. He didn't move. "I fucked up," he said while looking straight to the floor, "Really bad."

"What do you mean?"

Steve turned and took slow steps around the room. He never looked up from the floor, knowing the room so well he didn't need to look where he was going. "I got caught up in something bad, something I should have stayed out of. And Ponyboy got caught up in it too, on accident, and he's the one who got hurt."

"Well, let's start from the beginning. What did you get yourself into?" Rachel asked.

Steve ended up at the other end of the room from where Rachel was seated. He leaned against the wall and looked straight up at the ceiling. "Rachel, you know I've done stupid things. Me and my buddies have had our share of dumb shit."

"Most teenage boys can get into things," Rachel commented.

"I've been to jail once."

"And you've grown from that."

"Mostly," Steve sighed, "But I got asked to do something really bad."

"And you agreed to it?" Rachel asked.

Steve closed his eyes and slowly nodded, "I did." A flash crossed Steve's closed eyes and he got a glimpse of seeing Pony getting dropped to the ground after he had been stabbed.

"Why did you agree to it?"

Steve took a deep breath. He opened his eyes to get the vision out of his head. "Honestly, it sounded fun. It sounded like a challenge for me."

"You have always gotten a high feeling from proving your worth to other people," Rachel commented.

Steve grinned, "You do know me."

"Do you want to tell me what you agreed to do?"

* * *

Steve took a seat on the porch swing and his head hung low. Darry and Soda walked over. Soda sat on the swing next to Steve while Darry knelt down to their level.

"Steve, are you in trouble?" Darry asked.

Shaking his head, Steve quietly said, "No."

"Is Tim in trouble?" Soda asked.

Steve shook his head again, "I don't think so. You're right though. Tim wanted me to steal a car."

"Who's car?" Darry asked.

"I really don't know. He told me that a Soc jumped him, not really bad, but enough to where Tim couldn't really fight back. A couple of other Socs just destroyed his car. They slashed his tires, bashed all his windows, busted the doors, just everything. I guess it's obvious they were out to get Tim for something and this wasn't just some random jump on a greaser. After all that, supposedly his car wasn't useful. When he approached me about it, I thought he was going to ask me to try and fix it."

"Could you?" Soda asked.

Steve nodded, "Yeah, I could. But that's not what Tim wanted. He wanted to take their car instead. I don't know if he was going to actually try and use it, or just destroy it on his own, I wasn't sure."

* * *

"Did you try talking him out of this?" Rachel asked after Steve explained the conversation with Tim. Steve shook his head. "Because the idea of stealing the car was exciting to you?" Steve nodded. "Did you steal the car?" Steve shook his head. "Well Steve, I'm glad you didn't. Do you know how long you could go to jail for? Or other things you could get yourself into?"

"I know. I'm glad I didn't go through with it either. Not that I had a choice in that moment."

"Have you talked to Tim since then?"

"No, I don't care to right now."

Rachel nodded, "Fair enough. So how does Ponyboy fall into this?"

Steve felt his heart stop as Rachel said Ponyboy's name. All he could see was Pony being dropped to the street again. He felt his legs running over again. He felt the blood on him again. His knees became weak as he slid down to the floor.

"Steve?" Rachel asked as she got up from her chair. She walked over to Steve, and sat down on the floor with him. "What happened to Ponyboy?"

Steve looked Rachel in the eyes as he softly said, "He got hurt."

* * *

"Damnit Steve, you aren't one to be so damn stupid," Darry got up from his position and walked across the porch, "What the hell were you thinking?"

Steve shook his head, "I wasn't..."

"Damn right you weren't," Darry muttered. He swung the front door open and let it slam behind him, leaving the two boys on the porch swing. It was silent. Soda stared out into the street while Steve continued to look down. Steve couldn't say anymore. He didn't know what else to say. He didn't want to make things worse. All he could feel was upset and anger. He was angry at himself for not thinking straight, and he was angry at Tim for getting him involved.

After an eternity passed, Soda got up from the porch swing and slowly walked back inside the house, without a word.

* * *

"Steve, did Tim pressure you into this while you were watching Pony?" Rachel asked. Her and Steve were still on the floor as he had explained to her what happened to Ponyboy.

"Not originally," Steve answered, "He told me about this like a month ago. He was going to tell me when it'd be the perfect night to do it, and I kind of spaced it when I agreed to watch Pony. Then one day, Tim came to me at work and told me that night was the night to do it. It came to me out of nowhere."

"Did you feel stuck into keeping your promise?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know if I ever thought of it like that," Steve admitted, "When he told me we'd do it that night, I actually got excited, so I just jumped into the opportunity."

"Is Ponyboy home now? Is he okay?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, I brought him home that night and called Darry."

"How did that go?"

"Awful. I felt sick, I felt so pissed off. He was so mad and he hung up on me. Him and Soda came straight home."

"What happened when they got home?"

Steve gulped, "They were so mad at me. I don't blame them. I was suppose to take care of Pony. And things were going good for the week, until that. I didn't even get to tell Darry or Soda about his nightmare or about bringing him here or anything. While we were talking yesterday, Soda ended up walking back into the house without saying bye to me. He just walked away from the conversation, from me."

"Why do you think he did that?"

"Because he thinks the worst of me right now. I don't blame him. That's his little brother, and you just don't mess with Ponyboy. The greasers in town know the Curtis family, they know Darry and Soda, and you just don't mess with Ponyboy."

"Ponyboy is very special to them. And to you and the rest of the gang."

Steve nodded, "And everything is just a mess right now."

"I am sorry to hear that Steve," Rachel took Steve's hand into her own and gave it a squeeze, "What do you think needs to happen now?"

"I really don't know," Steve shrugged, "What should I do? Do I go over there? Do I wait for them to call me?"

"Well, if it were me, I'd give them a couple days to settle. Maybe Pony will talk to them about what you have done for him this week. After a couple of days, maybe give Soda a call and see how things are going. Ask if you can visit Ponyboy then, because something else you may not realize Steve is you and Pony had a deep bond. You may not feel it right now, but you could feel a little bit of disconnection since you didn't really get to say bye to Ponyboy. You want to fix things and be there for him like you already were, and you were forced to just leave. If he has another nightmare or if he starts thinking about what you told him about your mom again, you may be his safe zone to talk to with those things. So, if there's anything I would suggest also, is to not let Pony think you are just done with him or done being there for him."

"No, of course not, I wouldn't want him to think that. But what if Soda or Darry don't want me to visit him?"

"Then ask to talk to him on the phone. Or at least tell them to let Pony know you are still there for him. I think Pony will need that, because he's probably going to feel lost and confused too. If you do become a safe zone for him, and he wants your help, he could have some anxiety trying to figure out how to get your help when his older brothers are mad about what happened. It could be difficult for him, like he's in the middle of something and he has to choose a side," Rachel explained.

Steve nodded, "Okay. I'll wait a couple days to reach out to them then and see what happens."

As Steve looked down to the floor again, Rachel continued, "I'm sure everything will work itself out within time, Steve." Steve didn't respond. "Is anything else on your mind?"

Steve looked up and glanced out the window, "I miss my mom."


	12. Chapter 12

"Soda?"

Soda looked up from the couch as Ponyboy limped his way down the stairs. "What's up Pony?" Soda asked.

Pony took a seat next to Soda. "Have you talked to Steve since he left yesterday?" Soda simply shook his head. "Are you mad still?"

"It's...hard to explain," Soda admitted, "A lot is going on in my mind from the week, and I'm just not ready to talk to Steve I guess."

"It's not his fault I got hurt."

"Pony, I know you've said that, and I kind of get that...it's just more complicated than that. It's more than just that," Soda said as he played around with the remote. He didn't even want to talk to Pony about his thoughts yet. Soda was thinking about how Pony got hurt, and the mess Steve got himself in. He could have lost his best friend, or his little brother, or both. He would have lost them, because of Steve wanting a thrill ride. And on top of that, Steve told Pony a lot of dark things from his past. He wasn't sure what he was feeling about that. He didn't think he was mad, but he was feeling odd about it.

"Can I talk to you about the week? Please?" Ponyboy asked, "There's things I want to talk to you about. And Darry."

Soda sighed. He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about the week, or Steve in general. He wanted to be there for his little brother though. "Okay Pony." Soda got up and went to Darry in the kitchen. After telling Darry that Ponyboy wanted to talk, they both walked into the living room. Soda took his spot back on the couch while Darry sat in his armchair. Darry hadn't wanted to talk when they first got home or after Steve left yesterday. He couldn't ignore it anymore though. If Pony had stuff to say, Darry wanted to put his frustrations aside and listen.

"Okay Pony," Darry began, "There is something important you clearly want to talk about. We're here to listen."

"Okay," Pony took a deep breath as he figured out where to begin, "Well, Soda I told you that Steve told me everything about his mom. I mean everything...how she really died, how he became depressed and had to start going to therapy and stuff."

Soda nodded, "Yeah, I know."

"That must not have been easy to hear," Darry said.

Ponyboy looked down and began playing with his fingers, "No, it wasn't. I felt really bad for him. We don't always get along and weren't ever really close, but I never knew he went through all of that either. I had a nightmare about mom and dad, and he helped me a lot. I was embarrassed at first for screaming from a nightmare, but he helped me through it. He didn't make fun of me or just leave me by myself."

"That's good, little buddy," Darry said, "Don't get me wrong, I am glad he could do that for you."

"Well, then he told me about his nightmares with his mom, so I found out how you guys learned about handling my nightmares."

Soda nodded, "He did. He was a big help with that."

"Why didn't you tell me though?"

"Like I said, it just wasn't my place to tell," Soda explained, "It's a really big deal, and I have to respect him with it. I think in the long run, you heard it from the right person."

"I guess I just wish you would've told me something. I wouldn't have felt so...not normal then. I thought something was wrong with me to have those nightmares and cry over them like a baby."

"Pony, we never wanted you to feel that way," Darry leaned forward, "What we went through was traumatic, and our bodies and brains go through trauma differently. You and Steve have had similar experiences with trauma."

Ponyboy nodded, "I had another nightmare too, while you guys were gone. But...it was much different than my usual nightmares."

"What do you mean?" Soda asked.

"What happened?" Darry asked.

Pony gulped, "Well..." Pony got silent. He thought he was ready to talk to his brothers, but now wasn't sure how they'd react. He still hadn't told Steve about it.

"Ponyboy, it's okay," Soda put an arm around his little brother, "You can tell us anything. Just take a breath, relax, and let it out."

Pony looked at both his brothers and took a couple deep breaths. "Well, I was here at home and Darry asked me to go check on mom. I was confused, because mom was suppose to be gone. I went upstairs and she...she was there..."

Soda looked down to the floor, having a hard time hearing that. Darry got up and took the seat on the couch on the other side of Ponyboy. He took Soda's hand and squeezed it. He used his other hand to rub Pony's back. "Go ahead Pony, then what happened?"

"It was like Steve's mom. She was covered in pills and there was an empty liquor bottle. She had been sick and just wanted to die, so she poisoned herself." Soda's knee started shaking, getting uneasy with Pony's description. "I tried going to her, but I couldn't. But then...Steve was there. He was so scared, calling out for her...like it was his mom all over again."

"Oh Ponyboy," Darry softly said. He continued to rub Pony's back and hold Soda's hand to keep him calm.

"But then...Steve climbed up onto the bed and told her he was coming."

Soda's head shot up and he looked at his little brother, "What?"

Pony looked at Soda as he explained, "He told her he was coming and he started taking the pills that were on the bed."

"Oh my..." Soda gasped. He shot up from the couch and hurried out to the backyard.

"Soda?" Pony was about to stand up, but Darry held him down.

"It's okay Ponyboy," Darry said, pulling him into a hug, "I'm so sorry you had that kind of nightmare while we were gone. That is just awful. I'm so sorry I wasn't here."

Ponyboy laid his head against Darry's chest, "It was so scary, Darry. It wasn't even what happened to mom. I was seeing what Steve saw with his mom. It was horrible. I can't just forget that image."

"I know, little buddy, I know."

"The only part that wasn't true was him taking the pills. My mind created that itself. I just dreamed about Steve trying to...to...do something to himself," Pony sighed trying not to let tears overcome him, "I didn't tell Steve about that dream. I just couldn't. I didn't want to hurt him. I did ask if he ever tried to hurt himself though. He said no and that he got help before it could get that far, but I can't seem to believe him." When Darry didn't reply, Pony let go of the embrace and looked up at him. "Did Steve ever try to hurt himself?"

Darry thought for a minute before responding, "Well, there was one incident..."

Pony shook his head, "No, no, no. Darry, he promised me he didn't ever try anything."

"Pony, it's okay. He didn't really make a real attempt, you have to understand that. Maybe Steve wasn't ready to tell you that or maybe there was a reason he didn't think it was a good idea to tell you yet," Darry explained.

"What did he do?" Pony asked.

Darry looked to the floor for a moment before looking back at Pony, "Are you sure?" Pony opened his mouth to respond, but then closed it. "Pony, I want you to understand that I'm not asking if you're sure because of how bad the story is. I'm asking to consider if you want to ask Steve and hear it from him?"

"You mean I can talk to him?"

"There...are some issues from what has happened, but if you still have questions, you can ask him. Soda and I will have to figure some things out with him and what happened, and yes I am still mad at him, but he is family. We'll get things fixed," Darry explained, "So do you want to ask him what happened?"

Pony was glad Darry would let him talk to Steve, but he couldn't help to feel mad at Steve for lying to him. "I think so. Do you think that's why Soda went outside? My nightmare reminded him of what Steve has wanted to do to himself?"

Darry thought for a minute, "Maybe. I think your nightmare made him think of mom and dad, and of your nightmares, and what Steve has gone through. It's a lot for Soda, and then you got hurt too. He just needed a minute I think."

"Okay," Pony said glancing over towards the backdoor. He didn't mean to upset Soda. He was feeling bad already, because he could tell Soda was still trying to process what had happened. Soda had felt helpless to be there for Pony and he was debating his trust towards his best friend. His mind was all over the place and he couldn't seem to sort it.

"Is there anything else you wanted to talk about from this week?" Darry asked.

"Kind of."

"What?"

"Well, after that nightmare, I just felt like I had a panic attack. It was so scary and I couldn't calm down," Ponyboy explained, "I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. So...I asked Steve to take me to his therapist."

Darry got a look on his face Pony couldn't quite place. He couldn't decide if it was an interested look or a confused look. "Um," Darry finally replied, "Huh, I'm not sure what to say."

"Are you mad?"

"No, no," Darry assured him, "I guess I just never thought you'd ask to do that."

"At that time, I felt really desperate. Steve had told me how he still sees his therapist from time to time and he offered me to go talk to her if I ever wanted to. Right after that nightmare, that was all I could think about to help was going with him," Ponyboy explained.

"And he took you?"

Pony nodded, "She was really nice."

"How did you feel afterwards?" Darry asked.

"A little better. I still had a lot of feelings and thoughts, but I felt better just talking about it."

"Good," Darry stood up from the couch, "I should go check on Soda."

"Okay," Pony said taking a breath. He felt a little better having talking to Darry about the week with Steve. He knew it could still take a lot for him and Soda to get past things, but it was a start. Pony just didn't want Darry to think it was all bad.

"Pony?" Darry suddenly asked.

"What?"

"Have...have you wanted to ask me to go talk to someone, but never thought you could ask me to?" Darry asked with concerned.

Ponyboy shook his head, "No Darry, really. I never thought about it at all until Steve brought it up."

"Okay good, because you know you can ask me to try anything to help you with these nightmares, right?" Darry asked.

"Yes Darry, I promise I wasn't holding back about seeing a therapist before this," Pony said, not wanting to worry his older brother.

"Would you want to go back?"

Pony shrugged, "Maybe. I haven't thought about it yet."

"Well, tell me if you want to, okay?" Darry smiled.

"Okay Darry, I will," Pony returned the smile.

* * *

Darry stepped out to the backyard. Soda was pacing around the backyard kicking at rocks, sticks, the football, the basketball, and anything else he could easily kick at. He walked closer to Soda, "You okay?"

Soda continued to pace while he looked down at the grass, "I don't know. I didn't think I'd have to worry about Steve doing that again."

"Soda, he didn't try to do anything. You know that. He was just telling Pony about it. And it was Pony who had the dream about Steve doing that. Steve didn't dream about it."

"But why?" Soda said louder, "Why did he tell Ponyboy? Is it because he's been thinking about it? Is it a secret way of him crying out for help? Is he hiding something from me?"

"Soda, you need to relax," Darry said, "I know it scares you to think Steve would ever try to hurt himself again. He hasn't in years though, it was just that one time. Don't overthink why he was talking to Ponyboy about it, okay?" Soda turned and walked right into Darry. Darry wrapped his arms around his little brother. "It's okay, Pepsi-Cola. I know it all scares you and worries you, but nothing is going on with Steve or Pony. I thought you'd be happy they got along and had a connection. Possibly started a friendship, you know?"

"I am," Soda said into Darry's shoulder. He backed away from Darry and looked up at him. "I guess I just wish it wasn't from those experiences."

* * *

"Hello?" Darry answered the ringing phone the next day, "Oh hi Steve."

"Hi Darry...is it okay if I talk to Soda?" Steve asked.

"Hold on," Darry put the receiver down. After hearing Pony tell him and Soda about the week, Darry thought he was going to be feeling better about everything. As soon as he heard Steve's voice on the line though, sour feelings started to rise again. He didn't like feeling the anger come to him again. It was probably going to take some time for him to really forgive.

Darry went upstairs to Soda and Pony's bedroom. "Soda? Steve is on the phone."

Soda thought for a second, "I don't really want to talk to him right now."

Darry looked down. Soda must be having the same feelings and was also going to need time. "Alright, little buddy. Pony? Do you want to talk to him?"

"Sure," Pony got up from the bed and followed Darry downstairs.

Darry picked up the phone again, "Steve, Soda isn't able to talk on the phone right now. Pony wants to talk to you though, if that's okay?"

"Um, yeah sure," Steve responded, sounding surprised.

Pony took the phone from Darry, "Hi Steve."

"Hey, kid. How are you feeling?"

"I'm doing okay. My leg hurts, but I'm okay."

"Good, good," Steve said, "How are things going at home?"

"It's going okay. I talked to Darry about my nightmares and going to your therapist and everything."

"Yeah?" Steve asked, waiting to hear the rest.

"He said it was good for me to talk to someone, and I should tell him if I want to go back," Pony said. He didn't mean for this to happen again, but he suddenly blurted out, "Steve you lied to me."

"What? About what?" Steve asked.

"You have tried to hurt yourself." Steve didn't respond. "I was talking to Darry and Soda, and at one point Soda left the room because something was bothering him, and Darry told me something has happened. You promised me you never hurt yourself."

"Pony," Steve took a breath, "I'm sorry I didn't really tell you the truth. It's not what you think though."

"Steve, I was...I didn't like thinking that my nightmares could cause me to get to a depression like you. And you promising you never tried to hurt yourself made me feel a little better about that, but now I hear you did. Steve, what if I do that or something?"

"Pony, please listen," Steve said, "There's no sure thing you'll get to that point. I didn't have the help that you have, okay? I was literally alone and just...you know what? There really isn't an excuse. I shouldn't have done it. I know why you're scared of it, but I promise I will do anything I can to make sure you don't get to that point. I won't let you. If I can stop anyone else going through what I did, I will."

"Steve, what did you do?"

Pony could hear Steve curse under his breath, "I was just going down a dark path. I felt like I had no one to talk to about my mom or what I was thinking or feeling. I was just really lost. There was one night I was home alone and just lost in my own thoughts. I remember they were getting to me, really bad. I couldn't get my mind to stop running. I needed a distraction. I-I don't even think I was thinking straight. I think my body just walked itself without me realizing what I was doing. I went to my kitchen and got a knife..." Pony swallowed hard as Steve went on. "I went back to my room and...I didn't even realize what I was doing. I started making a cut on my arm."

"What?" Pony whispered.

"Pony, all that was on my mind at that time was I needed my brain on something else. I had to stop thinking about my mom and what I saw," Steve explained, "Unfortunately it became my thing to do. I did it a couple of other times, because it was so easy to go from thinking about my mom to my arm hurting. One night, I cut a little too hard and was bleeding real bad. I didn't hit an artery, thank God. Anyway, Pony you have to understand my...I wasn't trying to kill myself, I really wasn't. But then I did get help, because if I hadn't...well, who knows what I could have tried next if the knife didn't work for me anymore."

Pony couldn't believe what he had heard. He ran a hand down his neck and felt sweat. He couldn't talk anymore as he tried processing it all. Looking into the living room, he held the phone out, "Darry, can you please take the phone?"

Darry walked over and took the phone from Ponyboy. Pony hurried himself out to the backyard. "Hey Steve."

"Darry, I didn't mean to upset him," Steve said.

"No, I know. I asked him if he really wanted to hear it from me or from you. I better go talk to him, we'll talk soon," Darry hung up the phone and went outside. He found Pony having a cigarette as he threw a football up in the air. When he saw Darry outside, he threw him a pass. Darry caught the football and gave it a squeeze. "Steve told you what happened?"

Pony nodded as he caught Darry's pass to him.

"How are you feeling from that?"

Pony shrugged. He threw the ball back to Darry. "It's just a lot, Darry. I kind of wish he wouldn't have lied to me when he said he never tried to hurt himself."

Darry nodded, "I know."

"It just scares me."

"Why? He hasn't done anything like that since then."

"It's not really that that scares me," Pony sighed, "I just...I can't believe the similarities that me and Steve have gone through. We're more alike than I realized."

Darry nodded, "Yeah, you guys are."

"And he went through this depression, and tried to hurt himself," Pony went on, trying to figure out how to express his fear to Darry.

"Yeah," Darry sighed, "Yeah he did."

Pony thought for a minute, "Was that hard on Soda?"

"Oh yeah. When he learned what Steve was doing to himself and his accident, he was very upset. He was scared. He wanted to be around him all the time to make sure he never felt alone again. He still does, it's just not as obvious. Thankfully whenever Steve finds himself possibly going towards that path again, he goes to therapy or he talks to Soda."

Pony nodded as he started thinking again, "Do you...do you think that could ever happen to me?"

Darry got a concerned look on his face, "Well Ponyboy, I hope not. You've never shown signs like that. Have you ever felt that way?"

"No, I haven't. I guess what scares me is that if Steve went through that, and we're so similar, maybe I'll go down that way too."

Darry shook his head, "Pony, just because Steve did that doesn't mean you will too. Like I told you, everyone's trauma is different." Pony looked down to the grass, still seeming unsure. Darry walked closer and pulled Pony in a hug. "If you ever, _ever _feel like that Pony, you come to me or Soda right away. I don't care if you're...trying to figure out if that is what you're feeling or if it's nothing serious, you come to us right away and tell us what exactly is going on. Okay?"

Pony nodded, "Okay Darry. I promise."


	13. Chapter 13

Soda and Steve both worked the same shift the next day. Soda was working in the store while Steve worked in the garage, which Soda was slightly thankful for. He was confused by his feelings of what had gone on between him and Pony and he was starting to feel overwhelmed. He didn't disapprove of Steve trying to help, but he also wasn't sure if he liked how he tried to help. He was also still mad about what had gone on between Steve and Tim. All Soda saw was Steve having selfish intentions with that.

Throughout the day, Steve wanted to walk into the store and just say hi to Soda. He wasn't sure where they stood at this point, but Soda's lack of conversation was at least saying they weren't great. What frustrated Steve the most was he didn't know what he was suppose to say or do. He wasn't sure what exactly was getting to Soda, so he didn't know what to try and fix. He didn't know if he was okay to be around Pony or if he was suppose to stay away and keep some distant. It made Steve nervous if Soda or Darry would tell him to stay away, because he didn't want to stay away from Pony. He didn't know how to explain his feelings towards Ponyboy, but he didn't want to be told their friendship had to be done as quick as it had just begun.

Around lunchtime, Two-Bit strolled into the garage. "Hey Steve!"

"Hey," Steve greeted while wiping his hands on a towel. Until Two-Bit walked in, Steve hadn't planned on even going to get lunch. He knew Soda wasn't going to ask him to go eat anyway.

"Ready to go get some lunch?"

"Are you asking if I'll buy you some lunch?"

"Aww, you are very sweet to offer," Two-Bit placed a hand over his heart, "It's a date!" Steve laughed while organizing some tools onto the table. "Should I go get Sodapop?"

Steve shrugged, "I don't know if he wants to be around me."

"Yeah, I heard everything that happened," Two-Bit said, "I'm sure he'll come with us."

Steve walked out of the garage and watched Two-Bit walk into the store. He wasn't sure if he wanted Two-Bit to bother asking. He'd rather not now than hear Soda reject the offer. When a couple minutes passed without a word, Steve assumed Two-Bit was trying to convince Soda to come along. He turned back to reenter the garage.

As Steve finished cleaning up and walked out of the garage, he was surprised to see Soda sitting inside the passenger side of Two-Bit's car.

"Did you have to talk him into it?" Steve asked approaching the car.

Two-Bit shook his head as he got ready to enter the car, "No. It was fine." The car ride was quieter than usual. Two-Bit made conversation with both of them, but they didn't respond directly to each other. Steve attempted direct comments towards Soda, but Soda didn't verbally respond as much as he would shrug or nod. Two-Bit pulled into the parking lot of a small diner. The boys found a booth to sit at, Steve and Two-Bit sat on one side while Soda went straight to the bathroom.

"Well, I don't know if he's just mad at you," Two-Bit said to Steve.

"What do you mean?"

"He just seemed out of it when I went in the DX. Something's just bothering him," Two-Bit said, "I think he's more disappointed."

"I think that makes me feel worse," Steve smirked.

"Just give him some time."

"I am already, I'm not trying to talk to him or hang out with him. I don't know what he needs from me though."

Two-Bit shrugged, "I'm not sure if he needs anything besides time. If he needs anything else, he'll tell you. He's not going to throw out your friendship. Then he'd have to start hanging out with me." Two-Bit got a big grin on his face. "Do you think Darry would like that?"

"Oh God," Steve smiled, "But seriously Two-Bit, I messed up his little brother. If there was one thing I could do to ruin my friendship with him, I did it."

* * *

Steve and Soda managed to have small talk during lunch. It bothered Steve that Two-Bit had said Soda was disappointed in him instead of mad. It didn't make him feel any better, and it made him even more confused on how to fix everything. While Steve continued to work under a truck that afternoon, he heard someone enter the garage. He slid out and got up.

"Hey Steve."

Turning around, Steve greeted back, "Hey kid."

Ponyboy stood near the entrance of the garage, "Are you busy?"

Steve shook his head, "Naw, you're fine. Soda's in the store." As happy as Steve was to see Pony, he assumed he was here to visit Soda.

"I actually came to see you," Ponyboy said walking further into the garage.

"Oh," Steve said. His day had seemed to be going so downhill, it was a relief something positive was coming out of it, "How's the leg feeling?"

"It's good," Pony looked down at his leg, "Walking is feeling a little better."

Steve nodded, "So what's up?"

"I can't stop thinking about what you told me."

Steve smirked at the vagueness of his statement, "What part?"

"You hurting yourself," Pony said taking a seat on a stool.

"Oh," Steve sighed, "Look Ponyboy, I wasn't trying to lie to you about that. I just..."

"It's okay Steve," Pony interrupted, "I'm not really mad about you not telling me. I guess I understand."

"Then what's on your mind?"

"I can't stop thinking about all the things you went through and all the things I've gone through. You went so far as to hurt yourself, and I don't want to do that to myself," Pony explained.

Steve bit his lip having sudden flashbacks of when he was thirteen and the urges would take over him. When hanging out with Soda wasn't enough, when going to the lot wasn't enough, when smoking wasn't enough to push the urge away. "You won't do that."

"You don't know that," Pony stood up from the stool, "No one can promise that. One day, I could just decide to...to do something like that. That's what happened to you, right? You just decided to. I could think my life isn't worth anything anymore or that the fight against the nightmares isn't worth the fight." Steve watched as Pony turned away and began picking at the wall.

"You know Pony, I think you're already in a better place than I was," Steve said walking towards the young greaser.

"How?" Pony asked continuing to pick at the drywall.

"I was never aware of the idea that I could hurt myself so bad that I could..." Steve swallowed hard, "I can't even say it that easily. But anyway, I wasn't ever thinking about how me not getting help for my depressed ways could lead to that. You know what it could lead to and you don't want to get there. I didn't even realize I could get to that point. Is that making sense?"

Pony turned to face Steve and shrugged, "I guess so."

"I know you're confused and this isn't easy to figure out," Steve said running his hands down his face, "Hell, it's been years since this all began, only four since I had my accident, and I still have to figure things out. If I go through my down times, I have to figure out why and what to do about it. It's a lot to wrap a mind around. That's why I can try to explain things to you, but I'm not so sure of what I'm saying either."

Ponyboy nodded, "It is a lot. I wish it wasn't making my mind go crazy. I wish my mind wasn't the way it was. Darry is right about my imagination being so wild."

Steve looked down at the garage floor, "You got your brothers to help you out, Ponyboy. You know that."

"What about you?" Pony asked.

"I want to be there for you. I really do, kid," Steve said, "I just think maybe your brothers want to handle things right now. You know they aren't happy with me."

"I don't think I can talk to my brothers about this though," Pony admitted.

"Why not?"

"I don't know," Pony said, "The times I've thought about talking to Soda, I just can't. I don't feel like I can really elaborate on my thoughts and feelings. I told Darry about how I was feeling, but I still didn't feel like he was the right person to talk to. I guess it's like when Soda told me it was right for me to hear the truth about your mom from you. Maybe you're the right person to talk to about it too. You know what I'm going through, they don't really understand. And at the time, that was okay, I was feeling better with their support. But now that I know someone, you, knows exactly how this feels, I just...I just feel like you can be there for me the best."

Steve felt touched by what Pony had said. He really wanted to continue this close friendship he was forming with the young greaser. He knew what it was like to hit the real rock bottom, where your life literally depended on help, and if he could stop anyone else from going through that he would. Steve reached for Ponyboy's arm and pulled him into a hug. "You can talk to me anytime. I'll be here for you, kid."

Pony nodded against Steve's shirt, "Thanks Steve."

"Oh, hey Pony." Both boys looked up and saw Soda entering the garage. "I didn't know you were here."

"I told Darry I was going to walk here."

"Oh okay," Soda nodded, "Want a Pepsi? Steve's probably busy."

"Sure," Pony said following Soda out of the garage.

Inside the store, Soda walked to the fridge and grabbed two bottles of Pepsi. "Here you go," Soda said handing one over.

"Thanks," Pony said.

Soda opened his Pepsi as he leaned against the counter. "What were you and Steve talking about?"

Pony took a sip from his bottle, "Just about stuff."

"About him?"

"Yeah."

"Are you worried about him still?" Soda asked.

Pony's eyebrows furrowed as he looked out the window, "I don't really know Soda."

Soda seemed taken aback by the response, "What do you mean you don't know?"

"My mind is just all over the place, Soda," Pony explained.

Soda sighed, "You can talk to me about it. You know that, right? We talk about everything. You never keep anything from me."

Pony looked at Soda, "Did you hear me out there?" Soda didn't answer as he looked back at his little brother. "Did you hear me tell Steve I couldn't talk to you or Darry about this?"

"Yeah," Soda said, "And I don't see why you can't. We always, always have talked about everything. I want to know what's going on with you, or even with Steve. Are you worried he's going to hurt himself? Did he say something to you? You have to tell me if he did."

"No, Soda. He didn't say anything like that."

"Then why Pony? Why can't you talk to me?" Soda asked with a pleading tone. He didn't like that he returned home and Pony suddenly couldn't confide in him about things. He didn't like that he returned home and his friendship was on thin ice. Soda was worried something was being kept from him. He was caught on different ends of emotions with Steve. He couldn't simply forgive or forget what happened, but he was ready to approach Steve if he really talked about hurting himself to Pony.

"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, Soda. I...I really don't understand why I'm feeling this way, and I just feel right talking to Steve about it," Pony explained.

"Can you try talking to me too? I don't want to be here not knowing what you're thinking or how you're feeling," Soda said. He turned and placed his bottle on the counter. Putting his hands on his hips, Soda looked towards the back wall, lightly shaking his head.

"Maybe you should tell me what you're thinking about too," Pony said. Soda kept his back to Pony. The mixed feelings of Pony wanting to only confide in Steve was bothering Soda. He didn't want to dislike what they had going for them, but he did. He didn't want to admit it though. After a minute of silence, Soda heard the door open and close. Turning around, he saw Ponyboy had left.

* * *

The day came to an end. Steve locked up the garage and was heading out towards his car. He didn't bother looking towards the store. He decided he'd go home to get cleaned up and head out on the town and find some action. A distraction was just what he needed.

"Hey!"

Steve was just putting his car key in the door when he heard the voice. Turning around, he saw Soda coming towards him.

"Hey," Steve said letting his arms fall to his sides. He figured he was about to hear something in relation to Ponyboy talking to him in the garage. Soda got closer to Steve, but didn't say anything. He seemed like he wasn't sure what to say. Steve shrugged, "What is going on Soda? I know you are mad about the car thing and about what happened to Ponyboy. I...I don't know what else to say about it, okay? Do you need me to say sorry a million more times?"

"Maybe," Soda responded. Steve's mouth hung open as he didn't expect that response from Soda. He didn't know what to say next. "Do you really think I'd get over it that fast?"

Steve closed his mouth and shook his head. "I guess not. But you can't be mad at me forever. Or is it that you're really bothered that Pony trusts in me now? To talk to me about things?" Soda didn't say anything. "You didn't like when me and the kid didn't get along."

"I don't think you're being fair to him," Soda answered.

Steve was confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Steve, I'm just having a hard time believing you really care."

"Care about what? Him?"

"You load his head with a lot of stuff, which is hard enough for him as it is. His head can only handle so much. You chose to selfishly go out with Tim and he ends up getting hurt. And now he thinks he can put all his trust into you and talk to you about sensitive things. It's not easy handling all of this with him. You don't know what me and Darry have gone through trying to handle his thoughts and emotions. It's not like you'll heal him. You won't just get him past this and he'll be fine. He's going to think you'll really be there for him. Do you really, honestly care to help him? To be there for him? Or do you just feel guilty that he got hurt?" Soda asked. Steve just shook his head. He couldn't believe what he was hearing out of Soda's mouth. As Steve tried collecting his thoughts, Darry's truck pulled into the parking lot. "I think you should just back off a little, okay?" Steve watched as Soda walked over and got in Darry's truck. He was left alone full of shock and confusion. He couldn't believe that was what Soda really thought of him.

* * *

Once he got home, Soda went upstairs to his room and found Pony drawing in his notebook. "Hey Pony, what are you doing?" Soda asked laying on the bed.

"Just drawing," Pony responded, "How was work?"

"It was work."

Pony tapped his pencil against the paper, "Did you talk to Steve?"

Soda sat back up, "Pony, I want you to be careful when you talk to Steve, okay?"

Pony looked at Soda, "What do you mean?"

"I know he's trying to help you, and I know you want to be able to talk to him. I just don't want you to get too attached. I don't trust he'll always be there for you."

"What? How?"

"Well he was being there for you while we were gone, but then something more interesting and action-filled came to his attention and he put you on the back burner in an instant. I just don't want you to get too close, and then he puts you on the back burner again." Pony looked back down at his notebook and continued to draw. "I know how you are, Pony. You are emotional and can get hooked to things. That's why you went out to find him that night, right? You guys were becoming good buddies, so you wanted to go along with him?" Ponyboy kept quiet. "And then you got hurt. I don't want to see you get torn up if he ignores you again or puts something else first."

"It's not his fault I got hurt," Ponyboy simply said, "And I hate when you talk to me like I'm a baby. If he ignores me, I'm not going to go off bawling."

"I'm not talking about your leg when I say you got hurt. You thought he was being your buddy, but he wasn't even thinking about you following him and you getting into some bad shit. He wasn't thinking about himself either. You were the first thing on his mind for most of the week, but when some action came to him, you became the last thing on his mind." When Pony kept drawing, Soda scooted over on the bed and grabbed the notebook. "Pony, I'm not trying to be cruel about him, I'm trying to be real. That's just how Steve is. I'm only telling you, because I know it could really hurt you."

Pony grabbed his notebook and pulled it back to him. "Really? Has he ever done that to you? Because I never seem to hear you complain about him doing that to you, or Two-Bit, or Dally."

"I've seen him do it to other people. I've seen him have his moments where he's not the most reliable person if it doesn't have enough action or spark his interest," Soda explained, "Tim caught his attention with both of those things."

"That makes no sense, Soda. You've never acted like that about him."

"It's never effected me like this. It's never been about anyone I really cared about."

Ponyboy looked over at his older brother, "Don't worry about me, okay? I can handle it. I can handle myself. I'm not as naive or emotional as you think." Not wanting to hear anymore, Pony closed his notebook and left the bedroom.

Soda laid back down on the bed. He was frustrated. He knew deep down he wanted Pony to trust him again, to tell him everything again. Deep down, he wasn't sure if he could ever be on the same level with Steve again after he hurt his little brother. If he couldn't forgive Steve, not only did he not want to be around him, he didn't want him around Pony.


	14. Chapter 14

_Ponyboy awoke on the couch. He looked over and saw the TV was on. "Must have passed out during that movie," Pony said to himself. He sat up, yawned, and took a big stretch. Looking towards the window, he saw it was dark out. "I wonder how late it is." Reaching forward, he grabbed the remote and turned the TV off, darkening the living room. He got himself off the couch and headed upstairs. He was surprised Darry hadn't woken him up to get to bed. It wasn't like any of his brothers to keep him on the couch. _

_As he opened the bedroom door, he froze._

_Steve was lying on his bed. Soda was sitting on the bed, looking down at Steve. He was shaking his head as he cried, holding up his helpless arms. Steve laid there with his eyes open, but no movement. His arm was dangling off the side of the bed, a long cut running along it, blood sliding out to the floor._

_"Ponyboy," Soda cried out, "I didn't think he'd do it. He promised he wouldn't." Ponyboy couldn't move. He felt sick. "He asked me for help, and I just thought he was having a bad day. How could he do this?"_

"Ponyboy, Ponyboy, wake up buddy." Pony shot up in bed. Panicking, he began throwing the sheets around. He quickly looked down to the bed. Steve wasn't there. It was just him and Soda, who was trying to hold him close. "Shh, it's okay Pony, it's okay. It's me, I'm here with you." Pony could feel the sweat sliding down his face. "What happened?" As soon as Soda asked that, Pony felt another urge of panic.

"I need to call Steve," Ponyboy threw the covers off of him and got out of the bed. He started heading downstairs with Soda at his heels.

"Pony, hold on," Soda was saying as he followed his little brother, "Pony, wait a second." Before Pony could lift the receiver, Soda grabbed Pony by the shoulders and turned him around. "Ponyboy, slow down. Why do you need to call Steve?"

"I have to check if he's okay," Pony said with a shaky voice.

"Why?"

"My nightmare."

"What happened in it?" Pony just shook his head, unable to utter what he had just seen. "Okay Pony, just take a deep breath. Please breathe." Pony took a deep breath in, and closed his eyes as he let it slowly release. "Look, Steve is okay, I promise."

"You said that in the dream," Pony said, "But he wasn't okay. He hurt himself anyway."

Soda swallowed hard, understanding what may have happened in the nightmare. "Pony, I swear to God he is okay. He is just sleeping. If you call and wake up his dad, he could get kicked out. It's the middle of the night, so we can't do that to him."

Pony continued to take deep breaths to keep himself leveled. He knew Soda had a point with that one. "How can you be sure he's okay?"

"I know him Pony. He didn't give me any reason to worry," Soda said, "What can I say to make you feel better about that?"

Pony just shrugged, "I don't know. I'll probably worry all night anyway."

Soda looked down to the floor. He didn't want his little brother tossing and turning all night, or even having another nightmare. He couldn't believe he was about to offer this. "Do you want me to go over there?"

"What?" Pony asked, "Are you crazy?"

"Not as crazy as you about to wake up his house," Soda grinned while messing up Pony's hair, "Look, I'll go walk over there. You go wait in bed, okay?"

Ponyboy slowly nodded, "Okay." As Soda went to get his shoes on, Pony went over and wrapped his arms around him. "Thanks Soda."

"Sure thing."

* * *

Soda was thankful the walk to Steve's house was short. He knew everything was fine, but he wanted Pony to go back to sleep peacefully. He didn't like that Pony may be getting effected by his new knowledge of Steve. He didn't want a whole new kind of nightmare to start causing anxiety and panic to his little brother. Arriving at the Randle house, Soda collected some small rocks and tossed them towards Steve's bedroom window. He didn't want to wake Mr. Randle and get Steve in trouble. Who knew if he had been drinking that night.

After a few attempts, the window opened and Steve stuck his head out. "Soda? What are you doing here?" Steve asked.

Soda threw his hands up in the air, "Hell if I know." Soda was also getting bothered that his mood would turn quick anytime he was around Steve recently. Earlier he wanted to try talking to Steve after work, but his mood switched to not even wanting to attempt. Seeing Steve now, he just wanted to get back home to Pony and not be out here anymore. It was just each time he saw Steve, he got flooded with the memory of the phone call Darry received that Pony had gotten hurt. It kept bringing on the anger he was holding in towards it.

"What?" Steve asked, confused.

"Pony had a nightmare," Soda said, "It was about you and he needed to know you were okay."

Steve ran his hand over his face. He didn't know what to think about what Soda was telling him. He was nervous to ask what the nightmare was about. "Do you want me to come over there?"

"No, it's fine," Soda said, sounding slightly annoyed, "I can take care of him."

"That's not what I..."

"Maybe we'll talk tomorrow," Soda turned to head back home.

* * *

Steve didn't sleep well knowing Pony had a nightmare about him. He was worried what it could have been about if he needed the reassurance Steve was okay. As soon as he got up that morning, he drove over to the Curtis house. He wasn't concerned if Soda wanted to talk to him or not, he just wanted to check on Ponyboy.

As he parked at the side of the street, he found Pony sitting on the porch swing smoking a cigarette. That already wasn't a good sign.

"Morning," Steve said walking up the driveway.

Pony felt himself warm up at the sight of Steve. He knew that Steve had no idea how much he had worried about him the night before, so him showing up was a big relief. "Hey," Pony greeted. He knew he had a big grin appear on his face, but he couldn't help it.

"What are you up to?" Steve asked leaning against a porch railing.

"Just wanted some fresh air. It's a nice day," Pony said taking the last drag on his cigarette.

"Soda showed up last night." Pony nodded, and looked down to his feet. "He said you had a nightmare."

Pony shook his head, "I am sorry he woke you up. I feel stupid for it now. At the time I was freaking out. I couldn't get out of my own head."

"It's fine Pony, really," Steve took a seat on the swing, "I'm not mad over that." Pony kept quiet, knowing what Steve's next question was going to be. "So what was it?" Pony didn't move a muscle. He could not erase what was engraved in his brain. It was haunting him. "What happened in the nightmare that made you need to make sure I was okay?" Steve watched as Pony's face went white. "You must not have told Soda about it?"

"Even if I told him, he couldn't say anything to make me feel better."

Steve turned to try and look through the window behind them. He didn't see Soda or Darry in the living room. Putting an arm around Pony, Steve leaned in to speak low. "Tell me what happened."

Pony swallowed the lump in his throat. "It was you."

* * *

Unaware that Steve was right in their front yard, Darry and Soda were in the backyard having their own conversation. "Darry, I need to talk," Soda said bouncing the basketball to his older brother.

Darry took a shot and watched as the basketball fell threw the hoop, "What's going on?"

"I'm feeling overwhelmed."

"About what?" Darry asked as he walked around, dribbling the ball and taking another shot.

Soda caught the basketball as he walked under the hoop. He held the ball for a moment as he figured out his words. "Are you still mad at Steve?"

Darry shrugged, "I'm disappointed in what happened, I'm disappointed in his decision to do what he did. I think he feels awful though. I know nothing more can be done about it, and I know Steve cares. I do forgive him, I haven't gotten a chance to tell him that since we haven't talked since we got back, but I do forgive him. I know at this point we just need to work on moving forward." Soda was quiet as he dribbled the basketball. "Are you still mad?"

"Ponyboy got hurt Darry," Soda simply responded.

"I know little buddy, I'm not discrediting that."

"Then how can you forgive him?"

"Did you see him as I let in on him? Did you see his face?" Darry asked, "I got my point across. He wasn't arguing it."

Soda sighed, "I can't believe you're letting it go so easily."

"I'm not letting it go, Soda. It will be something to work through to move on, and Steve will have to regain my trust. But he's part of the family," Darry explained. Soda didn't go on as he dribbled the ball and took a few shots to the hoop. "What's bothering you Sodapop? Were you hoping I was still mad? Did you want me to kick him out of our house?"

Soda shrugged, "I really don't know, Darry."

"I know this is hard for you, because you have strong, protective feelings for Ponyboy. I do too."

"I'm having a hard time forgiving him," Soda admitted.

* * *

"What about me?" Steve asked. Pony's lips slightly quivered, but he refused to start crying. "Pony, don't worry about telling me what your dream was. It's not going to make me mad or upset or anything. I want to hear it. It's important for you to talk about it."

"You did it," Pony said softly.

Steve didn't even have to ask for a clarification. He knew what Ponyboy meant.

"I found you. Soda was there too," Pony began softly crying as he went on, "He said he didn't think you'd actually do it. I woke up and just panicked. I had to know if you were okay and didn't actually do anything."

Steve ran his hand through his hair. He stood up and looked out to the street. "I should have never told you about that."

* * *

"I think you're having a hard time with Pony clinging onto Steve," Darry said.

Soda nodded, "He walked to the DX and went straight to see Steve in the garage. He didn't come to see me. And then last night, Pony couldn't even tell me about his nightmare. He wanted to run to Steve about it. I still don't even know what happened in that nightmare, not the exact details anyway."

"It has nothing to do with you, Soda. Pony hasn't lost trust in you. He'll still want you for comfort," Darry said, "Pony just knows that Steve knows exactly what he goes through. And I don't know what Steve did to comfort and help him while we were gone, but it's clearly helping."

"How is it helping?" Soda asked with a more demanding tone, "It's scaring him. He's terrified for Steve and for himself. It's not helping him at all. And I don't want Pony to get so attached to Steve and then one day he decides to not be around for him anymore."

Darry understood Soda's concern, but he couldn't put an end to what was coming about between Pony and Steve. Maybe it was what Pony needed to help with nightmares and panic attacks. Darry was willing to see how this all goes on. "Soda, I think you just have some personal issues to work out with all of this. It's okay for Pony to want to go to Steve for help. It's okay to forgive Steve for what he did."

Soda sighed, "I'm going to check on Pony. Maybe he'll talk to me about the nightmare."

* * *

"Don't say that, Steve," Pony said wiping hard at his eyes.

"Look at you, Pony," Steve said, "You had a nightmare, a panic attack, and now you're crying over it."

"I'm not a baby," Pony got up from the porch swing, "I can handle it just fine, I can handle anything you tell me. I just care."

"Hey Pony," Soda walked through the front door, and stopped when he saw Steve. When Pony turned and Soda noticed the crystal look in his eyes, he spoke up again. "What's wrong? What's going on?"

Steve cleared his throat, "He was telling me about the nightmare."

Soda looked upset. He didn't want to look upset towards Ponyboy, but he couldn't help it. He really wanted to know about the nightmare, but he tried keeping Darry's words in mind. "Do you want to tell me about it yet?"

Pony slowly shook his head, "Maybe later. I don't want to talk about it anymore." Pony also didn't want to be in the middle of the confrontation that could take place now, so he went into the house as Darry brushed past him.

"Oh hey Steve," Darry greeted as he looked between the two boys, "Is Pony okay?"

"Yeah," Soda said still not taking his eyes off Steve, "I'll go check on him."

Steve sighed as Soda went in the house. He looked down, waiting for Darry to give him the sign to just go back home. At least he managed to talk to Pony a little bit. He was surprised to hear Darry say instead, "I want to talk to you."

Steve looked up at Darry and nodded, "Okay." He didn't know what to expect. Was Darry going to tell him to just stay away?

"I do want you to know that, as disappointed as I am about Pony getting hurt, I do forgive you."

"You do?" Steve asked, feeling shocked by what Darry was saying to him considering how Soda was being towards him.

"I do. If Pony finds what he needs with you, and it's really helping him, I'm all for it. As shitty of a circumstance we ran into, I do want the best for Ponyboy."

"I do too Darry. I really do."

"I know. I know you care."

"Thank you for forgiving me," Steve said. He was glad to hear more of an approval from Darry, but he looked down towards the ground as he was unsure of Soda. "What do I do about Soda though? He obviously doesn't feel the same. Hell, I don't know how he feels about anything."

"I told Soda that I think he needs to work out his own personal issues. He is very protective over Pony, we both are, so him getting hurt like that put us both on edge. I think Soda is having a harder time coming from that edge, because it was under his best friend's care," Darry said looking at Steve, "I also think Soda is having a hard time with Pony venting to you about things. It's like Pony's drifting from him and I think it's making it harder for him to move past Pony's injury."

Steve bit his lip, "Should I just stay away? Should I give Soda space?"

Darry shook his head, "I don't want you gone. As I said, I want what's best for Pony. Right now, Pony wants you around, so I want you around too. If Pony finds his escape from panic attacks with you, then that's what I want."

"But I don't want to ruin my friendship with Soda," Steve said looking up towards the sky, "Is it really not possible to have Soda as my best friend and to be there for Ponyboy?"

"Can I ask you something?" Darry said suddenly.

Steve looked back at Darry, "Yeah."

"I'm just trying to figure it out I guess. I know you and Pony have a lot in common and had a good week together. Why are you so determined to be there for him? He's getting awfully attached to you, and you're very quick to jump in and be there for him. Why is it this way now?"

Steve swallowed hard, "I know what it's like to go down that dark road. I didn't have anyone to help me with my nightmares or panic attacks. I got so far down that I hurt myself." Steve's eyes began to fill with tears. He blinked quickly to try and keep them from escaping. "I know how terrifying it is. I know all of the feelings that comes with. Thinking about someone else, especially Pony, possibly going through that or being scared he might go through that...it honestly terrifies me. I can barely think about what I did to myself and how far I went with it, so thinking about what's going on in Ponyboy's head..." Steve stopped and turned away from Darry. He walked to the other end of the porch as the tears raced down his face.

"Steve, I can't imagine what you went through. I'm glad you want to make sure Pony is okay and help him through whatever is going on in his head right now. I can try to talk to Soda some more and try to help him through his insecurities right now. For now, you might have to give him some space until he figures it out," Darry explained, "Maybe you being over here like you normally do will help."

Steve took a deep breath to get himself under control, "Yeah, maybe."

"Why don't you come inside?" Darry asked.

Steve turned around, "Are you sure?"

Darry nodded, "If we want things to get back to normal, we should start now."

* * *

Steve hung around most of the day. It was awkward though. Darry, Steve and Pony were downstairs together while Soda went back and forth between up and downstairs. Soda was trying to be downstairs with everyone, but sour feelings would come up and he had to go upstairs to push them away. He didn't want to argue with Steve in front of Pony with the worry that could push Pony further away from him. There was no conversation about Pony's injury, the nightmares, or any other hard topic. Darry, Steve, and Pony even began playing cards, but Soda couldn't get himself down to play with them.

During a break from the game, Steve and Pony stepped outside for a smoke. "Are you feeling better?" Steve asked taking a seat on the porch swing.

Pony nodded, "Yeah, kind of. I wish Soda wasn't acting like this."

"Me too," Steve said, "Darry said he has some things to work out."

"I don't want him to think I don't want him to be there for me anymore. I want you both."

"I know you do. I want me and him to just be okay too." Before the conversation could go any further, Steve's mind began to wander. He could only imagine what Pony had dreamed about last night. There was an image in his mind of the night he had taken a knife to his arm. That night that the knife went too deep. That night Steve couldn't stop the blood and had to be rushed to the hospital. Without looking, Steve's hand dropped the cigarette and began to wander his arm, running along the scar. His nails began to dig into the scar. The vision of the blood running down his arm was making his heart race and making his nails scratch harder. His mind wanted the scar gone and he was determined to make it disappear. His chest got tight as he tried to breathe, but he felt like he couldn't get enough air in him.

"Steve?"

Steve heard someone calling his name, but it sounded so far away.

* * *

"Darry!" Darry was cleaning some dishes in the kitchen when he heard a desperate voice run inside.

"Pony?"

"Darry, come here, quick!" Ponyboy said as he entered the kitchen.

"What's going on?" Darry grabbed a towel to half-dry his hands.

"It's Steve, something's wrong," Pony said with a shaky voice. Darry followed Pony to the front porch. He choked on his breath at the sight that was before him. Steve was sitting on the swing, looking the other way, his nails digging far into his skin causing it to slightly bleed.

"Pony, just go inside," Darry said softly pushing his youngest brother into the house. Darry went to the swing and took a seat, but Steve's gaze didn't even budge. "Steve, come on, wake up," Darry grabbed Steve's hand and pulled it off his arm. Steve's grip was tight, but Darry managed to fight it off. He began to shake Steve. "Steve! Do you hear me? Come on, Steve!"

Steve finally blinked and looked at Darry. "Wh-What happened?" Noticing the pain in his arm, Steve looked down and saw some blood breaking through his skin. With the vision of his self-harming incident fresh in his mind, he felt a panic. "Darry, what did I do? Did I do that? What happened? I didn't try to do anything!"

"Steve, calm down, it's okay. You were dazed out and just scratched at yourself too hard," Darry said showing him his bloody finger nails.

"Oh my God," Steve turned to look behind him, "Where's Ponyboy? Did he see this?"

Darry nodded, "Yeah he did."

"Damnit," Steve jumped off the swing, "Fuck."

"Steve, it's okay. Let's just get you cleaned up," Darry said following Steve inside.

In the bathroom, Steve began washing his hands and his arm. He was pissed. He didn't want to scare Pony or give Pony more ideas of what else he could possibly go through.

"Are you sure Pony's okay?" Steve asked.

Darry handed Steve some bandages, "Yeah, he's okay. He was just worried about you."

"He shouldn't have had to see that though," Steve shook his head, "I should not have let that happened." As Steve finished bandaging where his scar was, his eyes drifted to the mirror. He looked at his arm and he looked at his face. Steve felt as though things were starting to go downward. He was feeling bad for the things Pony was beginning to see from him. He was feeling a little scared that things were starting to resurface for him too. "I should not have let that happened."


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of the gang had showed up later that evening. Darry was actually pleased to have everyone around. It had been a long week sorting through his parent's things and the past couple of days were even longer handling what happened. He had to chuckle at himself for actually missing the loud ruckus within the walls. Unfortunately it wasn't all crazy antics taking place in the home. It was clear there was some sort of tension around. Everyone was aware what had happened to Ponyboy, and Steve getting involved in something way over his head. Since Darry seemed to be okay with it, no one else was going to bring up harsh feelings towards Steve. As much as they all wanted to tell their friend how stupid he was being, they knew it was best to move on and hope he doesn't go back. The tension with Soda was plain to see and making things awkward though, so Johnny and Ponyboy went upstairs to the bedroom.

"How's your leg doing?" Johnny asked. Johnny had still felt guilty about leaving Pony that night, but he was thankful he hadn't been there risking getting hurt too, otherwise Steve would possibly be handling guilt for 2 of his friends. That would have made the tension within the gang worse.

"Good. Darry's been having me walk plenty so the pain isn't as bad. It's been helping. I'm suppose to get the stitches out next week."

"That's good," Johnny said, "Is it me or are things a little tense down there?"

"They're a lot tense," Pony sighed, "Soda's being weird."

"Why?"

"He's still mad at Steve for what happened, which I don't blame him for. But I don't think he likes that me and Steve have become close and I want his help with my nightmares and everything," Pony explained, "I think Soda expected me to be mad at Steve for me getting hurt. But it wasn't Steve's fault. I know everyone is a little salty about it, but it really wasn't Steve's fault. You know I freely went to Yale, you saw me go."

"I think everyone's also mad he went to Yale. He really shouldn't have done that either."

"I know. I'm just saying everyone can't just blame Steve for this. And Soda can't expect me to be mad at Steve either. I never was mad at him for it."

"I would have thought Soda would be happy you and Steve are getting along for the first time," Johnny said, "That would make things less awkward for him."

Pony looked down to the floor, "I think me getting hurt kind of messed that possibility up. Instead it's turned into Steve stepping on Soda's toes for trying to be so involved."

"What does Darry think about you and Steve?"

Pony shrugged, "He seems to be over the accident. He was supportive that I went and saw a therapist and everything Steve has done for me. I know he's not 100% over it, but he's trying to be civil with Steve."

"It just seems so off. The little bit of time we were down there, Soda barely talked to Steve. Usually they're the ones breaking things."

"I know. I can't just push Steve away though. I really feel a connection with him Johnny," Pony began playing with his fingers, "I had a nightmare last night, and...it was so bad Johnny. I couldn't tell Soda what I had seen."

"I'm sorry, man. I guess I can see why Soda would be weird about that, you not going to him for help."

"I wanted Steve. Hell, it's weird for me too, but I just needed him to help me."

Johnny took a deep breath, "What happened in the nightmare?"

Knowing Johnny only had limited knowledge of Steve's past, Pony wasn't sure how much to talk about. "It was just a bad one. It was different, because it wasn't even about my parents. It scared me."

"And...did you just not think Soda could help you?"

"Honestly, I don't know. When I dream about my parents, I feel a panic to cling onto Soda or sometimes Darry to help. Last night, I felt a panic for Steve. When that panic hits, I just get desperate for one thing and it seems nothing else can help in that moment," Ponyboy explained, "Oh and today Steve was doing something weird on the porch."

"What?" Johnny asked.

"He just went into some sort of daydreaming thing and started scratching at himself. He was scratching so hard, like he was trying to pick something off. He made his arm bleed."

"Wow," Johnny swallowed, "That would have been...scary to see. Did it scare you?"

Pony furrowed his eyebrows, "I don't know. I was more worried than scared. I got Darry and I guess he fixed it. He put me in the house while he helped Steve, so I'm not sure what he exactly did." Pony wanted to elaborate on his thoughts with Steve, but he only knew that Johnny knew about how Steve's mom truly died. He didn't think Johnny knew about Steve's depression, therapy, or even him hurting himself. "I'm sure Darry and Soda will worry it scared me, but I didn't feel that scared."

"Maybe you just need to show Soda that you still need him," Johnny suggested.

"Of course I still need him. It'd be ridiculous for him to think I don't," Pony said crossing his arms.

"Maybe he needs the reassurance," Johnny said. Pony thought if Soda needed the reassurance, he was definitely overreacting. He wasn't trying to replace Soda. If Steve had taught Pony anything, it was there was no such thing as too many resources for help. But maybe Johnny was right, so Pony figured it couldn't hurt to explain that to Soda.

* * *

"What happened to your arm, man?" Steve looked down at the couple of bandages on his forearm in response to Dally's question. He took a deep drag of his cigarette while thinking of a response. Soda was leaning against the house while the other three were smoking at the bottom of the porch. When he heard Dally's question, he looked down and tried to get a look at Steve's arm, but couldn't quite get the best view.

"Just got cut," Steve simply said, "It's nothing I can't handle."

"How's the kid doing?" Dally asked.

"He seems to be doing okay," Steve responded trying not to look directly at Soda. Any other day, everyone would have asked Soda that question.

"Yeah, Johnny told me about the night they went looking for you."

Steve looked up at Dally, "Wait, Johnny was with him? I didn't know that. I thought Pony left the house and Johnny just went home."

"First they went to Shepard's place," Dally explained, "They asked Curly where you were since you had said something about Tim. Curly told them you were at Yale, but Johnny wouldn't go with him."

Steve sighed, "Too bad Pony didn't listen." Glancing up, Steve caught a second of eye-contact with Soda. He couldn't tell what he was feeling though. He was expecting anger, but Soda also looked simply blank.

"Too bad you didn't have common sense either," Dally stomped out his cigarette, "I will kill you if you ever do something so goddamn stupid again. You hear me?"

"Do you not think I feel stupid enough?" Steve snapped.

"If you weren't so worried about being a damn hotshot. Darry may get on Pony's case about not using his head, but you sure forget you have a head sometimes, huh?"

"Dal, cool it," Two-Bit butted in before the two greasers could really get into it, "Just drop it, okay? It's over, it's done." Steve shook his head as he took another inhale of his cigarette. He just wanted to move on from his mistake.

Back inside, Soda followed Steve into the kitchen. He peeked around and looked at the small bandages on Steve's arm. "So what did happen?"

Steve turned from the fridge, slightly surprised to see Soda there, "What?"

Soda grabbed Steve's wrist and pulled it towards him to give it a closer look. "What happened to your arm?"

"It got cut," Steve said, "Like I said earlier."

"How?" Soda demanded.

Steve sighed, knowing Soda was going to hear it from either of his brothers anyway. "I kind of dazed out while talking to Pony and started scratching at my scar. I guess I dug in too deep."

"What do you mean you dazed out?" Soda asked.

"I don't know, really," Steve pulled his arm back and looked down at the bandage, "We were making small talk and I started thinking about that night I...just went too far. And I don't know, it's like I blacked out."

Soda felt a little nervous. After Steve's incident, he got help and went into therapies. He had his moments where the memories would rattle his brain, but it had been a long time since he's had any sort of serious episode. Soda was also nervous about how Pony must have taken seeing Steve do that.

"How was Pony from that?"

"I don't know. He seems okay."

"Until he has a nightmare about it tonight," Soda said looking towards the backdoor.

Steve put his arm down and out of his sight, "Soda, trust me, I felt like shit about it. I didn't want him to see that. I haven't had a blackout like that in...I don't even know how long."

"I know, that's what is worrying me," Soda said.

Steve was worried too. He was more worried about Ponyboy though for witnessing that. Pony was already scared to go down the same path as Steve, he didn't need Pony to see how scary that path could get. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine," Steve said brushing past Soda and walking out of the kitchen.

* * *

Pony and Johnny eventually joined the group downstairs again. They were hoping things had gotten less awkward by now. Usually Two-Bit was good at lighting up the mood, so they were hoping to walk down to that. As Johnny joined everyone else in the living room, Pony decided to take Johnny's advice and asked Soda to go outside with him. Steve started biting at his fingernails, unsure what Pony was going to talk to Soda about. He didn't want the episode Pony had witnessed to affect anything.

"I want to talk to you," Pony said as they got to the bottom of the porch.

"Steve told me you saw him blackout," Soda blurted out.

Pony's mouth opened and then closed, not expecting that to come from Soda. "Yeah, I did."

"Are you doing okay from seeing that?" Soda asked, "I remember how scary it was for me to watch him have episodes."

"I'm okay. I was more worried about him than scared," Pony said trying to brush it off, "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about though."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay and...I don't know, maybe you have some questions or need me to explain anything?"

Pony thought for a minute, "You had seen him have those episodes?"

"I mean it's been a few years since he's had any, but I had seen them before. It was a lot for me to take in, and for him too."

"I just didn't know what to do," Pony shrugged.

"There's not a lot you can do. Darry knew how to handle it. I remember sometimes I just had to wait for it to pass."

"I couldn't just let it pass. He was hurting himself."

"I know, Pony. You did the right thing. I'm just sorry you had to see such a bad episode out of him," Soda shook his head.

"Yeah," Pony sighed, "There was really something else I wanted to talk to you about though."

Even though he was still worried about Pony possibly having a nightmare from it, and worried if more was going on with Steve, Soda let it go and just nodded, "Okay, what is it?"

"I don't want you to think I don't need you to help me still." Soda put his hands in his pockets and didn't respond. "I know I wanted Steve last night, and I know I haven't talked to you about everything on my mind, but that doesn't mean anything about you and me. I still want you there too."

"Then just tell me things like you always have," Soda said, "I know everything Steve has been through, so anything you're thinking or feeling about it, you can talk to me about."

"It's not just about how I feel or think about Steve's past," Pony said biting his lip, "I just feel like Steve will understand me, because he's been through this. In the moment last night, I just felt like nothing else was going to help with that nightmare except Steve. It felt the same way as I usually do when I need you or Darry for my nightmares about mom and dad. This time I...just felt I needed Steve. But it doesn't mean I need you any less. Can you understand that?"

"But Pony, my worry is you could get hurt again. How can you not get that?" Soda asked.

"I'm not going to get hurt, and if I do, it won't be Steve's fault. It wasn't his fault the first time."

* * *

Steve eventually went home. He had enough of the awkwardness and didn't want to ruin Soda's night, or the rest of the gang's night, so he just helped himself home. When he got home, he began reheating some leftover food. He couldn't help to grin at the memory of the evening he cooked dinner for Ponyboy. The surprise look he had gotten was expected, and it was worth the laugh.

After his plate was made, he got settled on the couch and watched a show on TV. He didn't want to think about it, but he couldn't help to glance at his arm. It was frustrating, because he had worked so hard to be able to live with the scar and not let it get the best of him. Now, the horrifying memories that the scar holds were starting to grow out like a plant. On one side of his mind, Steve was frustrated Pony saw that out of him. He was trying to be there for Pony, he didn't need to break and go weak in front of him. The other side of his mind was scared he was returning to the past. That side he was pushing as far back as he could. If he could ignore the fear, it wouldn't happen.

"It's not coming back," Steve told himself as he turned up the volume on the TV, "It has been gone for years."

As Steve picked up a knife to cut into the steak he had, a flash went through his mind. He slightly jumped at the vision and dropped the knife to the floor.

"Just stop," Steve muttered angrily, "You've been able to hold knives thousands of times now. There is no meaning behind it. No meaning." At a loss of appetite, he slid the plate away. Frustrated, he grabbed the remote and turned the volume up even higher. "Stop."

Steve couldn't get the vision away though. The TV wasn't drowning it deep away. He picked up his plate and knife and hurried to the sink, letting the dishes and food fall in. Steve slid down to his bottom and punched at the floor. "Please stop." Steve ripped off the bandages and could still see evidence of the scar. "Go away," he gritted through his teeth. He began scratching at his scar again.

He dug his nails harder, and raced them across the skin faster. Blood leaked out through scabs and fresh cuts. "Don't do this to me," Steve whimpered.

Steve couldn't understand it. It had been a few years since he's had intense episodes. He couldn't allow them to come back. He couldn't allow that path to reopen. Steve thought he had remembered how bad that path could get, but now the true fear was resurfacing, and he was shaking from the idea of having to endure it again.

Steve propped his knees up, lay his arms across and buried his face down, possibly smearing some blood onto his face. He knew he had to make a promise.

He lifted his face up and looked down at the blood. "I can't let Pony get to this."


	16. Chapter 16

"Has anyone even talked to Tim?" Two-Bit asked as he tossed a card onto the kitchen table. Soda and Dally sat on each side of him holding their own sets of cards. It was odd playing cards after Steve left. Card games were normally Steve's favorite thing to do, so it wasn't the same not having him be a part of it. No one else really seemed to know how to get past the odd night it was already being though. Soda wasn't acknowledging it, so no one else was.

Soda shook his head in response to the question, "If he knows what happened that night, he's probably avoiding me and Darry."

"I haven't seen him much," Dally shook his head, "Soda's probably right though. He's laying low a bit I'm sure."

"You never heard about this car thing, Dal?" Two-Bit asked.

"I had no idea about it," Dally shrugged, "I know his car got messed with and he got jumped, but I didn't know he had this crazy revenge planned up. I'm not surprised, Tim can get crazy, I mean we all know that. I never heard about this scheme of his though."

"Do you think he's going to try again?" Two-Bit asked, "I know Tim is crazy, but is he stupid enough to try again?"

Soda looked up from his cards, "I wouldn't doubt it."

"Well, he better not get Steve involved again," Two-Bit shook his head.

"Steve better not agree to help again," Soda groaned.

"Are you really still that mad at him?" Two-Bit asked. Soda shrugged as he tossed a card to the discarded pile. "I'm not trying to say what Steve did wasn't messed up, but do you really think you aren't going to ever forgive him?"

"You know, it's not like I'm not trying to move on. I don't like feeling this way."

"You may not like it, but I think it's easier for you."

"What are you talking about?" Soda lay his cards down on the table.

"You keep thinking about what happened to Pony and it gets you mad," Two-Bit explained, "It's easier for you to just stay mad than figure out a way to move on without feeling mad any time you think about Ponyboy's injury."

Soda shook his head. He didn't like what Two-Bit was saying. His personality was not one of anger. Soda didn't stay angry at people. Two-Bit was right about one thing though. Soda knew every time he went back to thinking about Pony getting hurt, he got furious. How could he not? How could he get to a point where he could think about it and just shrug it off like it wasn't a big deal anymore? "I don't know," Soda finally said, "All I know is, if I need time to figure it out, I think I'm in the right to have that time."

"You're right," Two-Bit said collecting the cards, "And that's fine. I'm just saying don't give Steve such a hard time. I mean, he walked out of here like he was a stranger that didn't belong here. That's not right."

"Well, a lot of things haven't been right," Soda said shaking his head. He wasn't sure how much the rest of the gang knew about Pony confiding to Steve and how truly close they had gotten, down to Pony wanting Steve's comfort after a nightmare. He didn't think the rest of the gang understood how that may pose as a slight threat to Soda. "Things won't be right for awhile."

* * *

The next morning Pony walked into the kitchen to Darry finishing up breakfast. Pony and Johnny had spent the rest of the night hanging out in his bedroom after Steve had went home. Johnny ended up crashing on the couch for the night while everyone else had left.

"Morning," Darry greeted his little brother.

"Hi," Pony said, opening the drawer for the silverware.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Good," Pony began setting the silverware around the table, "Soda is out. I don't know if he'll be down here anytime soon."

"Well before Soda does get down here, I wanted to ask you something," Darry said taking a seat at the table.

"What?"

"Sit down," Darry pulled the chair next to him out.

Pony slowly sat down, "What's going on?"

"Are you doing okay after yesterday? With what happened to Steve?"

Pony shrugged, and then nodded, "I think so."

"Well, I feel I should ask you," Darry cleared his throat, "Have you felt like, or have you wanted to, go back to therapy?"

Pony looked down at his fingers, "I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it honestly. Are you not comfortable with the thought of me going to therapy?"

"No, no, it's not that. If it helps you, I want you to do it. Do you think it would help you understand things more? You could go talk to Steve's therapist if you liked her," Darry suggested.

"I'll think about it," Pony said fiddling his fingers.

"Alright, just know you can tell me anytime if you want to go talk to someone," Darry patted Ponyboy's knee and stood up to return to the food.

"Darry," Pony looked up, "I just want you to know that I really am doing okay. I know you probably think I'm lost in the head, but I'm not feeling that way. I feel on edge for answers and not wanting to end up like Steve, but I'm not losing my mind over it. I'm more worried about Steve than scared for myself, I guess."

"That's okay to feel that way."

"I know it is. I just don't want you to worry too much over me. I know I freak out when I have nightmares, but my mind isn't exactly straight in those exact moments. You should know that."

Darry nodded, "I know, and I do understand it being hard to come to terms with what is reality and what's just a dream. Nightmares can be extreme like that."

"Yeah. I am okay figuring things out though," Pony looked up at Darry, "I promise."

Darry grinned at Ponyboy, "Okay, little buddy."

* * *

Steve got out from under the hood of a car. He grabbed a towel and wiped off as much grease as he could. Soda wasn't working that day, and Steve was thankful that Soda wouldn't see the new damage he had done to his arm the night before. He didn't want to deal with what Soda would have to say about it. The night was long as Steve didn't sleep well. It took him a long time to really calm the anxiety and get to bed.

Walking towards the entrance to the garage, Steve stood for a minute and just looked outside. Clouds were starting to come across the sky. They were darker clouds. "Rain could be nice," Steve nodded.

* * *

"Soda, I want to talk to you," Darry said, stepping outside in the backyard.

"What about?" Soda asked as he tossed the football in the air. He kept his eye on the ball until it fell back into his hands.

Darry sighed, "Well, I told Pony that he could let me know if he ever wanted to go talk to a therapist again."

"That's good," Soda tossed the football again, "Probably the best person for him to talk to right now."

"Well, he doesn't think he needs to right now. But he'll let me know if he wants to," Darry walked closer to Soda.

"Alright," Soda looked at Darry, "Obviously that's not all you wanted to talk about."

Darry put his hands in his pockets, "I think maybe you should go talk to someone."

* * *

As Steve returned inside the garage, he set the towel on the table, and got a quick glance at his arm. 'Fuck,' Steve thought to himself as he saw the scabs. He turned away quickly, and looked at the car.

"What was I doing?" Steve asked himself out loud, trying to remember the last thing he had done. He took his hand and began running it up and down his other arm, feeling the scabs against his palm. His eyes closed tight. "No, no, no." Opening his eyes, they rolled over to look at his arm again. Although his hand was covering the markings, he could see what was there.

His air supply went short. He couldn't breathe in enough air, his lungs felt as if they couldn't expand. Turning away from the car, Steve leaned against the tool table and shut his eyes. He pushed them as tight as he could, not wanting them to pierce open.

* * *

Soda shook his head from frustration. He turned away from his older brother and slammed his hand against the football.

"What's making you mad at me right now?" Darry asked.

"Why are you acting like I'm the one that needs help? I'm not having any nightmares or hurting myself," Soda said.

"You're not, but you're obviously mad. That's just it, you are mad and you haven't made any steps to get past what happened. That's not healthy for you Sodapop."

Soda turned to face Darry, "I have a right to be mad! Did you forget Ponyboy was stabbed?"

"You are holding a grudge," Darry said.

* * *

There was a steady sound beginning outside. A slight, cool breeze hit Steve's skin. It was small, but goosebumps formed along his arms. His eyes flew open, but his vision was too blurry to make out the scabs on his arm.

A low rumble slid through his ears. His head spun up and he began seeing the rain as his vision cleared up. His chest still tight, Steve hurried out the garage and let the rain pour over him.

* * *

Soda threw the football to the ground in frustration, and walked towards the house.

"Soda," Darry turned around, following his little brother's movements, "We could go together."

There was no response as Soda walked inside the house, letting the door slam behind him. Thunder came across the sky as Darry felt defeated. He looked up and saw the dark clouds taking over the sky. Rain began to sprinkle down. Darry stayed put as the drops became thicker, the rain beginning to come down heavier.

"That's at least refreshing," Darry sighed.

* * *

The rain was gone by the time Steve got off work. He had stood in the rain for awhile, letting the cool air and splashes of water get his mind elsewhere than the poison it was soaking in. It made him fall behind on his work, but waiting for a panic attack to pass could have sent him home the rest of the day.

He ended up driving to the Curtis house, unsure what was making him go there. He sighed as he parked his car and saw Soda sitting on the porch swing. He figured he would have turned around and went home, but his hand put the car in park, clearly having other intentions. Getting out of his car, Steve began walking up the driveway, not giving Soda eye contact.

"What are you doing here?" Soda asked.

Steve stood on the first porch step and shrugged, "To say hi I guess. Thought I'd come see Ponyboy since you clearly don't want to see me."

Soda stood up from the swing and put his hands in his pockets, "He didn't have any nightmares."

"I can just come over to say hi," Steve took another step up the porch. He was over Soda being mad. He couldn't keep lowering himself begging for forgiveness. Last night, Steve felt forced to leave his friends over the way Soda acted. It was irritating Steve.

"Darry thinks I need to go see a therapist," Soda blurted out.

"Why?"

"Because he thinks I'm holding some grudge over everything." Steve didn't say anything. "I think it's ridiculous. I think I have every right to feel the way I do," Soda added in, crossing his arms.

"Soda, I know you do. I don't blame you for being mad, I still hate myself for what happened to Pony. But I'm not going to feel sorry for you if you can't even try to forgive me," Steve said walking towards the front door.

Soda walked over and got in Steve's way, "Why does your arm look like shit?"

Steve refused to look down at what he had done to his arm between on the porch and in his kitchen.

"Look at it."

"I don't need to," Steve said keeping his eyes on Soda.

"Why are you soaked?"

"Did you sleep all day? It rained most of the afternoon," Steve snapped.

"Weren't you inside the garage?" Soda asked.

"Do you have anything better to do?" Steve asked angrily.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Soda asked, "Standing out in the rain during an episode isn't anything new for you. You used to do that."

Steve looked up, trying to keep his temper under control, "I don't get you Soda. You're mad at me for what happened and you are making it very clear you hate it right now, but you seem very concerned about my mental state."

Without taking his eyes off Steve, Soda reached behind him and turned the doorknob, "Trust me, I don't want to care, but you aren't making it easy."


	17. Chapter 17

When Soda entered back inside the house, he turned and saw Ponyboy at the window. "What are you doing?" Pony just stared out the window, watching Steve go back to his car. "What's wrong Pony?"

Pony looked down to the floor, "Why do you have to be so mean right now?"

Soda wasn't sure how to respond to that. His little brother thought of him as being mean right now. That was a serious reality check for Soda. "Pony, I..."

Pony didn't want to hear anything though. He brushed past Soda and went upstairs. He went straight to his room and shut the door.

Soda grabbed at his hair and sat himself onto the couch. He leaned back and just stared up at the ceiling. Pony's question was repeating in his head. _"Why do you have to be so mean right now?" _He couldn't even argue with the question. His little brother was right to use that term. Soda couldn't blame anyone for it either. He knew this wasn't something he could throw at Steve or Darry or Tim Shepard. He knew he had to take the blame himself for having Pony see him that way. It didn't fit Soda though. Mean.

* * *

Pony sat down on his bed and just looked at the floor. He was getting so tired of being in the middle of this. He never, not in a hundred years, would have pictured himself being caught up in some problem that involved Steve Randle. He just wanted Soda to get past this. He was tired of him being mad. It just made Pony feel sad or like he was doing something wrong. Was he doing something wrong that was stopping Soda from pushing forward? He didn't know how to actually help Soda get through it. All Pony could ask for right now was for Soda to get whatever he needed.

It was beginning to feel as though Pony was reaching an overwhelming point. Even though no one was blaming him or making him feel at fault, he could feel the same kind of guilt pushing him down. Pony could feel himself carrying more and more burden each day. He only imagined he was going to reach his breaking point soon.

Looking up, Pony turned his attention towards the bedroom window. He looked at the trees. The leaves were dripping their last drops from the earlier rain shower. Normally rain would help Pony believe it was washing away all of his worries. That didn't really happen this time though. It barely broke the surface.

As the sun glistened against the wet leaves, it glared against something that blinked from Pony's desk.

* * *

No one associated Soda with the word mean. But as it came out of Pony's mouth, it was radiating against Soda's brain. He couldn't brush it off. It just didn't fit. Sodapop Curtis wasn't mean. He didn't want that to become his normal. He couldn't let that become who he was. He couldn't become like Dallas Winston or Tim Shepard. As much as he was friends with them, he wasn't meant to be like them.

"But how can I fix all of this? How can I get myself out of this funk?"

* * *

Pony noticed his blade on the desk. Just like that, he couldn't move his gaze from it. That blade became the main focus on his mind, and it wasn't budging as Steve rushed into his thinking process. He tried imagining a young Steve, taking a knife and pushing it against himself. He imagined a young boy, just barely reaching his teen years, struggling to cope and depending on a weapon to get him through another day. How does someone get to that point?

Slowly, Pony got up from the bed and picked up his blade. He turned it a couple times, just looking over the little details of it. He turned towards his bedroom door. It was still closed. While keeping his eyes on the door, Pony slid his blade into his pocket. Any other time, it wouldn't be unusual for Pony or any greaser to carry a blade around in their pocket. The visions going across Pony's head though was telling him how wrong it all was. He couldn't give off any sense of what he was thinking about, as the blade being tucked away piled him with guilt. He walked towards the door, slowly opened it and looked down the hall. He didn't see or hear Soda coming up the stairs.

Quickly, Pony slid through the door and hurried down the hall. He walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He sat himself down on the floor, leaning against the door. He pulled his blade out of his pocket and looked at it again. Steve was all over in his head. He imagining all the different ways Steve must have tried cutting at himself. Did he do it in his bathroom? Or was it on his own bed? Was it before he'd go to sleep, or as soon as he'd get up in the morning? How many times a day did he do it?

Then Pony remembered the reasons Steve would do it. His mom. Pony's nightmare came back to him. He saw his mom in bed with the pills, he saw Steve in the corner crying, crawling onto the bed, picking up a pill...

Pony felt himself begin to panic at the nightmare. He looked at his blade with desperation for help. Steve had said it was a good distraction. It helped him from thinking about all the hardships he was going through. Maybe, just maybe it could help Pony too.

Pony flicked open his blade, and looked down at his arm. 'Just this one time,' Pony thought to himself, 'I need something to help. Just one time.'

He slid the blade against his skin. The idea wasn't even scaring him. He was feeling more anticipation than anything. He had determination.

Eyes slamming shut, he began putting more pressure against his arm, and gritted his teeth at the pinching feeling it gave. Lifting his blade, he slightly opened one eye. There was no blood. He just saw a little indent from pushing onto his arm. Lowering his blade, he pushed it against his arm again. He tried dragging it, but still didn't see any blood appearing.

Pony felt some disappointment in himself. He knew Steve was a tough guy, and in desperate times, nothing was bound to stop him. No matter how hard he had to try, Steve would get it done.

As he took a few minutes to think about his next move, Pony got an idea.

* * *

"Where are you going?" Soda asked, sitting up on the couch. He heard rushed footsteps get to the bottom of the stairs.

"I'm just going for a walk," Pony said putting his sweater on.

"Pony," Soda put a hand up to stop him, "I'm sorry about earlier, okay? I don't know why I'm being the way I am. I don't like that you think of me as being mean. That's not what I want. I'm hoping I can fix it soon."

Pony sighed, "I understand Soda, I really do. Maybe you need to try talking to Steve. Like actually talking to him, you dig?"

Soda slowly nodded, "Yeah."

"I'll be back," Pony opened the front door and left.

* * *

Steve heard a knock on his front door. He grabbed a towel on the counter to wipe his hands and headed for the front door. "Goddamn Soda, just leave me be for awhile," Steve muttered to himself. Opening the door, he was surprised to see Ponyboy standing there. "Hey Pony," he greeted, "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah," Pony nodded, "I just wanted to go for a walk, and...come by."

"Well come in," Steve stepped to the side. Pony entered the house and Steve closed the door. "Did something happen at home?"

Pony shook his head, "I mean I think I may have upset Soda earlier. I asked him why he had to be so mean to you. I just don't get it."

"I can take it," Steve shrugged.

Pony looked down and noticed Steve holding a large spoon. "Are you cooking?"

Steve grinned and began walking towards the kitchen, "Yeah." Pony smiled as he followed Steve.

"Looks like I came on the right day," Pony commented looking at the pasta in boiling water on the stove.

Steve chuckled, "Yeah no kidding. So...are you doing okay? Does Soda know you came here?"

"I said I was going for a walk, so I don't know. He may suspect I came here. Have you been doing okay? Since your thing on my porch?"

Steve refused to look down at his arm from Pony's question, "Yeah. You know I'm sorry you had to see that."

"It's really fine Steve. I do have a question though," Pony said as Steve turned to the stove, "It's kind of about that."

"What is it?" As he waited for Pony to ask, he could feel his hand try and edge it's way to scratch at his arm. He forced it higher up and scratched at his shoulder instead.

"When you first tried to cut yourself...were you successful?"

Steve spun around and looked at Pony confused, "What do you mean by successful?"

"Did you actually cut through the skin? Did you bleed?"

Steve looked down at the stove and swallowed, "Yeah. I did."

"Did you bleed bad?"

"Not really, it was just a little," Steve answered, "When I first saw it, I was kind of shocked I actually did it, so I didn't go much further. It was definitely a distraction enough to see that."

"Was it easy to cut through the skin?"

Steve looked at Pony, "Why are you asking?"

Pony shrugged, "I don't know. It was just something I was thinking about. Like how much pressure it must take to get as far as when you had to go to the hospital."

Steve just looked at Pony. He sensed that wasn't all this was, but he wasn't sure how to ask Pony where he was going with it. "I mean, no. It wasn't easy. But I was so determined I guess."

"Did it make you feel good?"

Steve sighed, "At the time, yeah. But then, of course it became a bad habit and I pushed myself too far. I thought I had control of it and how I could handle it, but I was wrong."

"Hmm," Pony didn't want to draw too much suspicion, or lead Steve to telling Darry about this conversation, so he changed the topic, "So what are you making?"

"Chicken Alfredo," Steve answered, "I take it you're staying to eat."

"Hell yeah," Pony smiled.

* * *

Steve and Pony sat at the table eating dinner. They kept light-hearted conversation going. It made Pony feel relaxed. He wasn't thinking about all Steve had said to his questions. He wasn't worried about what he had almost done with his blade earlier. He felt okay and confident to let it pass and not worry about it coming to his mind again.

As they finished up their dinner, there was a couple light knocks, and the door opened.

"Steve!" a voice called out. Steve and Pony looked towards the front door and saw Soda walking in. Pony could feel himself getting nervous.

"Hey," Steve greeted, not a hint of worry in his voice. Pony wasn't sure how to feel about Steve's near monotone voice. Steve was clearly past being in his guilt trip, and was just going to wait on Soda to forgive him.

"I kind of guessed you'd be here," Soda said towards Pony.

"Hey," Pony said uneasily. He wasn't sure if Soda came here because of Pony being there, or because he wanted to talk to Steve. Maybe even both. Either way, Pony didn't want to see them argue, especially if neither of them were going to take any bullshit.

"What are you guys doing?" Soda asked.

"Just eating," Pony responded.

"Where did you guys get this?" Soda asked.

Steve twirled his fork around the few noodles he had left on his plate, "I made it."

Soda looked down at the food sitting on the table, "Since when do you cook?"

Steve shrugged, "I've messed around the kitchen from time to time." He stood up and carried his plate to the sink.

"Hmm," Soda responded keeping his eye on Steve, "Well, I came here to talk to you."

"I'll leave," Pony stood up quick.

"No," Soda and Steve both said in unison. They looked at each other, waiting for one of them to continue speaking.

"We can go outside," Soda simply said.

"Are you sure?" Pony asked.

"Yeah, just hang out here. I'll walk you home," Soda said walking towards the backdoor. Steve followed him outside. He quickly pulled out a cigarette and lit it as Soda shut the door.

"Well, what do you want to say now?" Steve asked as he blew out some smoke.

"Well, something Pony actually said," Soda began, "Made me think a lot."

"What did he say?"

"He asked me why I had to be so mean. And..." Soda kicked at some dirt as he spoke, "That really hit me something awful. That's not who I am, and I don't want Pony thinking of me that way, you dig?"

Steve nodded as he flicked some ashes towards the ground, "That really doesn't describe you at all."

"I don't want to be like that. I can admit I have been mean. Maybe Darry is right, and I haven't been fair to you." Steve just looked towards the ground as he inhaled his cigarette. "I want to...I want to feel better about everything."

Steve shrugged, "What do you want from me?"

"Can you listen to me for a minute? Can I just talk your ears off?"

"Sure."

"I know I've been just sitting in my own anger and that I haven't really tried to tell you why I've felt the way I do," Soda began, "I know I didn't think I should have to explain myself, but I owe it to our friendship to try."

"It's not like I don't understand why you're upset with me," Steve said tossing his cigarette, "I fucked up, I own that I fucked up."

"I know, but there's a lot going on in my head. I've spilled it all to Darry, but it didn't make me feel any better. So, I'll try throwing it all at you. Maybe I'll feel a little better," Soda began, "When I heard Ponyboy was hurt..." Steve heard Soda trail off. He looked up and saw the true hurt and fear that Soda had carried from that phone call. It was eating at him.

"Look man, I know it was a stab in the gut for you to hear that," Steve sighed, "You may not believe me, but it killed me to call you and Darry to tell you that. I was sick to my stomach bringing Pony to the hospital and having to tell you that your little brother had gotten hurt. I would have felt that way if Pony got hurt without me being involved. I know how much that kid means to you, and I know how much it was going to kill you to ever hear anything bad happening to him. And the fact that I was the one who was going to have to tell you, I..." Steve stopped. He turned away as he felt the tears form in his eyes. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it with shaky hands.

Soda brushed at his own eyes as he pulled himself together, "Anyway, when I heard about it, I was furious. At first, it wasn't even towards you. I was furious at the fact Pony was hurt, and what could have happened, and whoever had hurt him. I didn't know the story, but I was so pissed. And then as me and Darry drove home, I started thinking about how he could have gotten hurt when you were suppose to be taking care of him. How could Pony have ended up in the hospital, when you were here with him? That's when I started getting mad at you and putting all the blame on you. I wouldn't have thought in a million years Pony would end up in that type of situation even when me and Darry are around. Then it happened when we weren't around, and I blamed you. I was mad only at you for not taking care of Ponyboy. For letting it happen."

Steve took quick inhales trying to keep himself calm. Soda's words were jabbing at him. He didn't blame him for what he was describing. It brought him back to that night it all happened. How much he wanted to take Pony's place, and be the one who had gotten stabbed. How much he wanted to kill the bastards who did it in the first place.

"And then we get home and I felt like a lot just came rushing at me. I wanted the answers from you, but Pony was...defending you. He was trying to redirect all the anger I had boiled inside of me during the ride home. And then I end up hearing all the things you did for him while we were gone. I find out how close you guys had gotten."

Steve turned back around and looked at Soda, "Ain't that what you wanted from us all these years?"

"Yeah. I wasn't expecting this though. I had it all planned out in my head that I'd get home, I could be mad at you and let it all out, and you'd just leave. Who knows how long I'd need to get through it, but I thought I'd be able to just cut you out until I was ready. I was expecting Pony to want you gone too, and I was ready to do that for him. I knew Darry would be ready to do that too," Soda continued on, "But then Pony...didn't want that. He wanted you around. You helped him a lot, and how could I be mad at you for that? But it felt like I was being replaced."

"Replaced?" Steve asked, "What are you talking about?"

"I've always been the one he turned to for his nightmares. I've always been the one he talked to, about everything!" Soda threw his hands up in the air, "He didn't want that from me anymore. He only wanted you."

Steve shook his head, "Soda, he wasn't replacing you. No one could ever take your place for him."

Soda sighed, "It gave me more to be angry at. I was furious then, because you were the reason he got hurt, but he didn't seem to care. He still wanted you to be around. It was like our relationship wasn't what it was when I left. I didn't understand it. I didn't get how he couldn't hate you."

"I expected it," Steve admitted looking towards the door, "I thought he would hate me."

"I guess I just felt like I didn't have my chance to be mad. Pony didn't want me or Darry to be mad at you. Hell, Darry even listened to that and told me he forgave you. He said you'd need to regain his trust, but that wasn't good enough for me. I needed to be mad! I needed to be pissed off at what happened to Pony! I couldn't do that though, because I couldn't push Pony more away! It felt like I was losing him, losing how close we were. He wanted you as his big brother."

Steve shook his head, "Soda, I know me and Pony have some of the same experiences. And I know I've helped him and giving him someone to talk with. But I can't replace you."

Soda looked down, "I really hope not."

"What do you need, Soda? Do you need me to be gone for a few days? Do you need the time to be mad?"

"No, I'm too tired of being mad. I just want me and Pony to have our normal relationship back. I guess I am a little jealous of what you guys have become and he seems to have put me as the second person he needs for his hard times."

Steve tossed his second cigarette down and stomped it out. "I'm sorry Soda. I am sorry you thought I was replacing you, but I could never do that. Pony still needs you. I know he does. He needs you and Darry a lot."

Soda nodded, "I hope so."

"I know so," Steve took a deep breath. They were quiet. Soda was washed out at what he needed to say. He felt like he let it all out, but wasn't sure if he felt like he had accomplished anything. He didn't know where he and Steve stood. He didn't know where he wanted him and Steve to be at this point.

Steve was glad Soda told him everything that was on his mind. It made him believe that maybe, just maybe, they were moving one step towards fixing all of this. Steve didn't care how long it took. He'd do whatever to fix this, and to still be there for Pony.

"Do you know what I need?" Steve suddenly asked.

"What?"

"I need my best friend back."


	18. Chapter 18

The conversation between the best friends ended. They weren't on perfect terms, but they weren't on as bad of terms as they were before. They knew things wouldn't jump right back to normal immediately, especially since the conversation didn't go much further from Steve's last comment. Steve felt somewhat good though as Soda actually said bye as he began walking home with Ponyboy. There wasn't a tense feeling between anyone. When they got out of Steve's sight, he sat down on the porch swing. He reached into his pocket, and looked inside the empty carton.

"Damn," he muttered, tossing it to the ground. He felt a little nauseous anyway, as he was unsure how many cigarettes he had quickly smoked through while talking to Soda. "I'll need some water when I get back inside."

Steve never got to the point of telling Soda that Pony was asking him questions about his cutting. It had concerned Steve the more he thought about it, but that moment didn't seem right to tell Soda. Their conversation wasn't leading to bringing that up. He was trying to convince himself that Pony was just asking questions 100% from curiosity and it was just bugging him so much that he had to ask Steve about it, just like everyone else they had talked about. That conversation just seemed different though.

* * *

"You guys talked for quite some time," Pony commented, "Through the window it looked like you guys were getting kind of heated though."

"I don't know if I'd call it heated," Soda replied as they walked along the street, "We were saying a lot though. Things that needed to be said. Things that needed to be heard."

"So, are you guys okay then?"

Soda nodded, "We will be. Pony, I was just so bothered you called me mean. I've never heard that about me before."

"I never thought I'd say it to you before."

"I know. So, when you said that to me, I had to do something. Maybe we didn't fix everything right away, but I had to fix something."

"I'm glad you did come and try. I know it probably wasn't easy," Pony said, "I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings by calling you mean. But I'm glad it got you thinking."

"I...can admit I have some issues to sort out," Soda admitted, "Steve does too. We need to figure some things out, and then I'm sure we can be okay."

"Well, what else needs to be figured out?"

"I just need to work through my...bad feelings towards him I guess."

Pony shrugged, "Can I help at all?"

"I appreciate that Pony, but this has to be between us. There's really no worry to get you into it."

"Okay, but I am here for you to talk to as well."

Soda smiled, "I know, I know. I do have one question though."

"What's that?"

"Steve can cook?"

* * *

When Steve finally walked back inside his house, he went towards the phone that sat in the living room. He lifted the receiver and dialed. He listened to the ringing as he began biting at his fingernail.

"Hello?"

"Hey Rachel," Steve greeted, "It's Steve."

"Hi Steve. Is everything alright? Are you at home?" It had been a long time since Steve felt the urge to call Rachel at her personal home number instead of waiting until the morning to call her office. He wanted the chance to get in to talk as soon as possible though.

"Yeah, I'm at home, I'm okay," Steve reassured her, "I just know I'm going to need to see you tomorrow if you can please squeeze me in."

"Sure of course. You can come around noon," Rachel replied, "Are you sure you're okay? If you need to talk right now, we can talk over the phone."

"No, it's okay. I'm not freaking out or anything. I just need some advice, but I want to wait until tomorrow."

"Alright Steve. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night. Call me if you need anything."

"Thank you. Good night."

* * *

"Don't set a plate for Pony," Soda smirked at Darry, "He filled up at Steve's."

"Oh, did you guys order pizza or something?" Darry asked as he stirred the contents in the pot.

"No. That mooch knows how to cook," Soda crossed his arms, "And he never told us. He just eats here at his own free will like a defenseless puppy."

"What?" Darry asked confused.

"Yep. Steve Randle can cook full meals," Soda said, "It's some big secret so he can just come here and eat whenever the hell he wants."

Darry felt himself grin, knowing anyone in the gang would do that, "Ponyboy Curtis, you knew about this too? Sneaking over there and eating?"

Pony put his hands up in defense, "I haven't known long! I found out while you guys were gone."

"What an ass," Soda slightly laughed, "I can't believe he never told me that."

"Because you would've mooched off him," Darry commented.

"Rightly so!" Soda pointed a finger at his older brother, "Next time I go over there, I'm demanding a five course meal!"

* * *

"Hello Steve," Rachel greeted with a warm smile the next day, "Well, you said on the phone that you needed advice, so what brings you in today?"

Steve sighed, "A lot."

"That's usually how it goes."

"I mean, I only need advice for one thing, but there is a lot I want to talk about too."

"That's always okay, you never need a reason beyond just talking to see me, you know that."

Steve nodded, "I know."

"So where would you like to start?" Rachel said as she got her pen in hand laying against the notebook paper.

"Well, Soda came by yesterday. We talked about a lot of things."

"That's a good start for you guys. How did that go?" Rachel asked.

"It went good," Steve nodded, "We aren't perfect, but he got a lot out and I got a lot out. We have things to get through, but we'll be okay. There was a time where I didn't think we'd be okay ever again, but it feels good to know we are going to get there now."

"Even knowing that you guys will be okay, do you still feel worried about anything?"

Steve thought for a moment before shaking his head, "No, I feel a lot better actually. I wish our friendship was back to the way it was right now, but it will be eventually, so I feel happy about that. I can't be too worried about anything else I guess."

"Well I'm glad to hear you're having optimistic feelings. What do you think you guys need to get through still?"

Steve began playing with his fingers, wishing he had stopped for a new pack of cigarettes before arriving. "He needs to actually forgive me for what happened to Pony. He wants to, but I can tell he's still having hard feelings about it all. I don't blame him, I still don't know if I've forgiven myself."

"What about Darry? Has he forgiven you?"

"He's forgiven me," Steve nodded, "I need to regain trust with him, but that's better than what I had expected."

"You expected him not to forgive you?"

"Of course not," Steve shook his head, "Darry is a tough guy. I thought he'd beat me to a pulp honestly."

"Well you must be relieved he forgave you then?"

"I think he did it for Pony," Steve said, "I think seeing how Pony was doing from my help and how our relationship was building, Darry didn't want to mess that up and backtrack on Pony. He wants me to still be around if it means Pony could get somewhere with everything he's dealt with from his parent's death."

"How does that make you feel? That Darry wants that over just simply kicking you away from them?"

"Good. I'd hate to see Pony backtrack too," Steve said leaning forward.

"Do you think Pony would backtrack if you and Soda were still fighting?"

Steve shrugged, "Maybe. I couldn't really tell how much that was affecting him actually. Darry just has the authority to keep me away, you know? Soda doesn't. Pony wouldn't like us fighting, but I'm also not just forced to be gone just because Soda is mad."

Rachel nodded, "I'm sure Pony has been affected with you guys not getting along, but it sounds like he was sure you guys would work it out and wasn't too worried. Nevertheless, it's good you and Soda got to talk things out."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Have you talked to Tim at all?"

Steve shook his head, "Haven't seen him. I think he knows if he ran into Darry or Soda, or really anyone in the gang, he'd get a good ass whooping."

Rachel crossed her legs as she cleared her throat, "So Steve, what would you do if Tim approached you?"

"What do you mean? He can't be mad at me over this. I'm not the reason it didn't go as he wanted."

"No, not like that," Rachel rephrased her statement, "If Tim came to you and asked for your help to complete what was suppose to happen that night. Since you aren't taking care of Pony, you're your own person again, would you do it?"

Steve's eyebrows furrowed. He hadn't even thought about Tim, let alone what their next conversation would entail. "I mean...I can't. If I did that," Steve sighed and looked out the window. He stood up and began walking behind the couch, shaking his head.

"If you did that, what?" Rachel asked, wanting to get Steve to let out his thought process.

"I would just mess up everything. Like I said, there was a moment where I really thought Soda and me would never be the same. If he knew I'd go help Tim and go back to Yale again, he'd hate me forever, and that's that. I'd be out of chances. I can't risk the fact that he wants us to work this out," Steve explained.

Rachel nodded, "I wouldn't want you to mess that up either. Do you want me to be honest though?"

"Yeah," Steve said feeling nervous what Rachel was about to lay on him.

"I know you very well, we've seen each other for a few years now. You say you wouldn't dare go along with Tim again, but I think if the opportunity truly approached you, you'd have a tougher time just backing down."

Steve nodded, glancing up at the picture Rachel had put up when he brought Ponyboy in, "You're right. I know you are. But I just can't do it. I have to somehow stop myself from doing that."

"If Tim does ever approach you again, and I'm sure he will, just take your time in conversation with him. He may know the way to talk in your sweet ear and convince you that it can get done, or that Soda won't find out, or Pony can't possibly get hurt this time. But before you jump to the excitement, the action, the chance to prove your worth and skill, just keep some thoughts in mind. First, you could go to jail. And grand theft auto is not an overnight stay. Second thing, and possibly the most important, is you will mess up everything with this family. You could lose your best friend, permanently this time. Darry could kick you out from their home and lives, permanently. You won't be able to be there for Ponyboy," Rachel explained, "You'll need to take a minute to really think things through if Tim tries to get you in again. You have the right to take your time before you respond."

Steve nodded, still looking at the picture, "I understand."

"Well," Rachel began as she sat herself up, "What was it that you wanted to come in and ask for advice?"

"Pony had come over before Soda did, and he was asking me questions that are sort of bothering me."

"Like what?"

"He was asking me about my first time cutting myself. I thought it was weird at first, but now I'm not sure how I'm suppose to be feeling about it."

"What was his question exactly?" Rachel asked with concern, which said enough for Steve on how he should be taking it.

"Well, I was confused actually by his wording, because he asked if I was successful. He meant if I had cut through the skin, if I had bled."

"Hmm, why do you think he asked that?"

Steve shrugged, "That's what's bothering me. This kid has a wild imagination, and when something is bothering him or he's curious, he asks questions. A lot of them until he understands. So it could be simply that. I mean he's been worried if he could get as far as wanting to hurt himself or end up in the hospital like I did, so I guess I shouldn't be shocked he asked about that."

"But you are shocked anyway, having a difficult time convincing yourself away. Why do you think that is?"

Steve thought back to the day before, when the youngest greaser sat in his kitchen. He remembered the way he had spoke to him, how he asked the questions without hesitation and fast, like he knew what he wanted to ask regardless of Steve's answers to each one. "His attitude."

"What about his attitude?"

"I don't know. This time he wasn't scared or freaking out. He was asking...like in a normal way. More curious."

Rachel thought for a moment "Steve, do you think he tried to cut himself?"

"What?" Steve's eyes widened, "Hell no."

"Do you think he thought about cutting himself?"

"I mean, he's thought about how I almost killed myself," Steve spilled out, "So I'm sure he's thought about the cutting."

"Why are you certain he didn't try to cut himself?"

"Because he wouldn't do that," Steve argued, frustration rising as he began pacing around the room.

"What if back when you were 13, I asked Soda that question about you?" Rachel asked, "Soda, do you think Steve tried to cut himself last night? What would a 13 year old Soda say? Based off of how you were around him at the time, would Soda have said hell no?"

Steve bit his lip, "Yeah, probably."

"How long did it take Soda to find out you were doing that?"

Steve ran his hand up and down his arm as he looked towards the wall, "A long time."

"And you didn't willingly tell him, did you?"

Steve shook his head, "No."

"He walked in on you, right? You were in your room, in the middle of it, and he saw you."

Steve nodded, "Yeah, he did. I tried hiding it, but I was bleeding everywhere."

"If I asked Soda, would you believe Steve had cut himself numerous times before you walked in on him? Would you believe Steve had been doing that for weeks, months before you found out?" Rachel asked, "Would Soda have said oh yeah, I believe Steve was doing that, of course? Or would he have been shocked?"

"He would have died of shock," Steve commented.

"Because you hid it," Rachel nodded, "Why did you hide it from him? The one person you could tell anything to, you couldn't tell him about that. Why?"

"Because," Steve cleared his throat to stop the tears from forming, "Because I didn't want him to stop me. I knew he would, but I didn't want him to."

"So, I think you need to take all of this into consideration when you assume Pony would not have tried to cut himself," Rachel said.

Steve felt his heart drop, "Oh God..."

Rachel stood up and walked over to Steve. She placed her hands upon Steve's shoulders, facing him towards her. "Now Steve, I'm not saying he did try to cut himself. I just don't want you to jump to the conclusion that Pony didn't try to cut himself or that he wouldn't be deeply considering it. I think you should take Pony's questions very seriously, especially since you said his attitude was very different this time around."

"Should I tell Soda? Or Darry?"

"I think that's the right thing to do. And talk to Pony."

Steve nodded, "Okay. I will. I'll go do that right now."


	19. Chapter 19

"I feel like I need to talk to you alone, at least for right now," Steve began, "Soda and me are just starting to get on a good page, so I don't want him to find a reason to blame me for this." Steve stood out in the backyard with Darry. As much as he wanted to believe Soda wouldn't blame him for Pony thinking about cutting, he didn't want to take the risk of upsetting Soda.

"Since when were you going to tell me you could cook?" Darry asked with a smirk on his face.

Steve's mouth open, closed, and reopened again. He was not expecting that response, but let a grin slide on his face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I thought I was helping you out and feeding you sometimes, but it turns out you can take care of yourself in that department," Darry commented. He found the football in the backyard and picked it up, tossing it to Steve.

Steve shrugged as he caught the football, "Have to keep you guys on your toes with surprises."

"Seems like that's happened a lot lately, a bunch of surprises," Darry said.

"If Soda hadn't come over, the secret would have never been revealed."

"But then you guys wouldn't be making up," Darry shrugged, catching the ball from Steve's throw.

"Yeah, I know."

"Which makes me wonder what you need to talk to only me about."

"I don't know," Steve shrugged, "I guess I'm just still in the mindset that Soda is going to get mad at me or blame me."

"For what? What's going on?"

"Before Soda showed up yesterday, Pony had come over and was asking me some questions," Steve began.

"He seems to be doing a lot of that lately," Darry commented tossing the football again, "Not really out of the ordinary for him."

"This was different though. He wasn't asking out of...worry or being scared."

"What was he asking?" Darry asked.

"About my..." Steve turned to look towards the house, squeezing the football tight, "How I cut myself the first time..."

"What did you say?"

"I...he asked me if I was successful. He asked if I had bled. I was just honest and told him yes. The last time I wasn't completely honest about something, he got pretty upset with me. I don't think lying to the kid makes any sense."

"No you're right. It's best to just tell him the truth," Darry agreed.

"Then I went to my therapist today to talk to her about it all. I needed some advice. She made me really think about it," Steve explained.

"What does she think?" Darry asked, feeling uneasy at the idea of Pony wanting to cut himself.

"She made me really think about my own past. She asked me if I thought Pony may have cut himself, and I told her no. I couldn't ever believe that. But...she made remember how Soda found out about me doing that..." Steve trailed off.

* * *

_Steve sat on his bed. He was thirteen, almost fourteen, and was having another bad day. Bad days seemed to come at him a lot lately. It was a mixture of bad days and the desire to escape. Those visions were just following him everywhere that day. His mom was everywhere. That day of school was the longest day. He felt hot and dizzy. He felt trapped and was struggling to catch his breath. _

_When he got home, he threw his backpack against the wall and hurried up to his room. He was at his wit's end. Getting upstairs, he slammed his bedroom door shut and rummaged through his top dresser drawer. There it was, his blade. He pulled it out and sat down on his bed. He pulled his sleeve up, revealing some faint scars from previous times with his blade. He had never gotten too deep, not enough to make anyone question the few scars._

_His head was starting to pound. He needed a release right now. Placing the sharp blade upon his arm, he pushed down and dragged along. His brain began to shift from his mom and the memories, to physical pain._

_The sudden sound of his bedroom door clicking made him jump. It swung open fast and his best friend was standing there._

_"Hey Steve, you want to go...oh my God what happened?"_

_Unsure of what to do, Steve tossed his blade to the side and moved his arm behind him, "Wh-What are you talking about?"_

_"Your arm," Soda walked over and pulled Steve's arm forward, getting blood on his own hand, "Did you get hurt on the way home from school?" Before Steve could try to come up with some excuse, Soda saw the blade on the bed. He picked it up and saw the blood trace along the edge. He looked between Steve and the blade. "Steve...what did you do?"_

_"I...I..." Steve threw his hand over the cut on his arm, trying to hide it._

_"Did you do that?"_

_Steve couldn't respond. He knew he was caught. Soda was putting it all together, and there was no way out of it._

_"Steve, but why? What's going on?"_

_Steve looked down in disappointment, "I just can't handle it Soda."_

_"Handle what?"_

_"Everything!" Steve yelled, "My mom, my dad, just everything in my life. I couldn't just keep going on thinking about it. I needed to escape..."_

_Soda pulled his best friend into a hug, not caring where the blood ended up on himself, "Don't say anything else. Steve I'm so sorry. Is this the first time?"_

_Steve shook his head against Soda's shoulder._

_"How long?"_

_"Quite awhile," Steve mumbled._

_"Oh Steve no. You should have come to me. You can't do this to yourself. You could really get hurt. You can come to me or Darry or my mom or dad. Anyone. Please promise me you won't do it ever again. Just come to me instead. Please."_

_Steve looked up at Soda. His best friend was naive to the fact of how much easier that was to say than actually do._

_"Promise me Steve?"_

* * *

Steve didn't keep that promise. He had done it many, many more times. Soda caught him a couple of other times, but he never gave up on Steve. He'd give Steve the same speech every time, and then he'd keep a very close eye on Steve for awhile. It took as far as Steve ending up in the hospital to finally open his eyes though. And as much as that event scared Soda, he felt relieved that it would finally change Steve's way of handling things. It was true too, Steve never tried cutting again. He went through many more therapy sessions and medications, but eventually was able to lessen both of those things, and continue on with his life.

"She...basically made me realize that Soda would have never, ever thought about me doing that to myself. I shouldn't underestimate the same with Ponyboy," Steve went on.

Darry let out a deep breath, "How should I confront him about it?"

"I mean," Steve walked closer to Darry, "I wouldn't come off as accusing him, you know? Don't be checking out his body and questioning every scratch you find. There is a chance he didn't do anything anyway."

"But I should talk to him, right?"

Steve sighed, "I mean yeah you should, but I also don't want to hurt his trust to me. I don't want him to think I'm just going to run over here and tell you every little thing he says to me. Especially if he didn't do anything or even think about doing anything."

Darry placed his hands on his hips, "Maybe you should talk to him then."

Steve looked up at Darry, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course. Pony doesn't only have to talk to just me or Sodapop. Whatever gets him to talk, be open, be honest. If that's you, then yes I want you to talk to him. Please."

"Okay, I will."

* * *

"Hey, what were you talking to Darry about out there?" Soda asked as Steve walked back inside the house. Steve shrugged, watching Soda mix ingredients in a bowl. "Oh, sorry, would you like to take over Mr. Expert? Can't just be the best at cars?"

Steve laughed, "Oh no, please, make me some chocolate cake."

Soda rolled his eyes, "Hope it's up to your liking."

Steve dipped his finger in the batter and took a lick, "Tastes amazing."

"You're lying," Soda grinned as he shoved Steve's hand away.

"Yes I am," Steve laughed.

"What were you guys talking about?" Soda asked again.

"Just about us," Steve lied, "Just telling him we're doing better."

"I'm glad we are," Soda looked at Steve, "I was feeling better about things last night after me and Pony got home."

"Good," Steve nodded, "I was too. I'm going to go upstairs and see if Pony wants to come try out this masterpiece of yours."

"After eating your food, probably not," Soda laughed.

* * *

"Pony, I want to talk to you," Steve said as he entered the bedroom. Pony was reading a book on his bed.

"Okay," Pony said putting his book down.

"Well, I went to talk to Rachel today."

"About what?"

"What you were asking me yesterday."

Pony looked up, "What did she say?"

Steve shrugged, "Just to talk to you. It just kind of worried me, you know? Why did you feel like asking me about the cutting?"

"I was just curious," Pony partially lied.

"Did you think about trying it?" Pony didn't answer, which lead Steve to ask his next question, even though he was scared to hear the answer. "Did you try it?"

Pony shook his head immediately, "No! I mean, maybe I was thinking about it. I think about things a lot."

"I know you do," Steve grinned, "It's okay if you were thinking about it. You can tell me if you were. I wouldn't expect any different from you."

"Yeah. I guess I was thinking about how you said it was a good way to distract you from everything going on," Pony explained, "And my mind has been running a lot lately."

"But then look where it got me. I ended up fighting to stay alive."

"After that happened, did you ever try again?"

Steve shook his head, "No. It scared me to never try again. I got a second chance to live. I couldn't fuck that up."

Pony nodded.

"Pony, if you're ever going through...if your mind just can't shut up, and you think cutting is the only way to get out of it. You think you'll have control of it just fine. Just call me right away, okay? Don't try it. I always thought I had control, and I learned wrong...in a very ugly way," Steve explained.

"I know."

"Promise me Ponyboy, if you ever..." Steve felt himself get choked on his words, imagining Pony trying to cut himself. Thinking about him cutting himself that night he had to go to the hospital. "You just have to call me if you ever try. You have to promise you'll call me right away."

Pony began feeling guilty that he had tried, wanted to try, and didn't think to try to call Steve first. He didn't give Steve the chance to help talk him out of it. "I do promise. Steve, I do have a question."

"Another one?" Steve grinned.

"I was thinking..."

"Again?"

Pony playfully rolled his eyes, "I just...I'm trying to piece it all together. You told me in the beginning that you told your dad you were having a hard time, and he took you to doctors and got medicine and therapies and stuff. But then I found out you actually did hurt yourself and ended up in the hospital. So, were you cutting before you told your dad about everything?"

Steve bit his lip and shook his head, "No. It took a couple of years after my mom died, but the depression hit me hard after those couple of years when I learned more and more about it. I started smoking and having some episodes where I was just acting out with myself. So I told my dad and he got me to a doctor and on the medicine and all of that shit like I told you. It wasn't helping the best though. I don't know, maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. After about a year of seeing Rachel and taking the antidepressant, I ended up trying to cut myself. I was able to hide it well. I kept going to see Rachel, take my medicine, but the cutting just seemed to really get me through it. Another year of that passed and then I fucked up."

"So even after your dad tried to help, you still ended up trying to cut and then almost killed yourself?" Pony asked.

"Yeah, but you got to understand, my support system wasn't where it was suppose to be. Sure, I had Rachel, but my dad still wasn't there. I still didn't have a supportive home to go to. Soda was there, but I just needed more. But I found that more in the wrong way."

Pony nodded, "I'm sorry Steve. How old were you when all of that happened?"

"I was in the hospital when I was fourteen."

Pony was surprised at the young age, "Same age as me, huh?"

"Yeah," Steve nodded, "I haven't had to take any medication for a little over a year now though."

"You had to be on medication and therapies for two years after that?" Pony asked with some shock.

"There was a lot of work to be done," Steve said.

"Wow," Pony said looking down, "I guess I hadn't put together how old you were, or actually how young you were, when all this stuff happened to you. I just can't imagine..."

"But Pony, you just have to know that you have so many people to be here for you, whatever you may go through. Whether it's from your parents, or me, or anything that those lead to, you have a lot of people to help you. And I'm the guy, to tell you from experience, that cutting isn't the answer. It's a temporary solution that only holds you back from really healing," Steve went on, "So please keep that promise. That you will come to me, or Soda, or Darry, or anyone if you feel like you're going to try it."

"I promise Steve."

Steve pulled Pony into a hug, "Even if you feel like there's nothing else that can be done, I promise I will show you other ways."

"Thank you Steve."

"Good. Now, Soda has some cake coming along."

"That sounds really good right now," Pony smiled.


	20. Chapter 20

The next day Soda and Steve both had work. Not being awkward at work together was going to make for a good shift for both of them. The atmosphere was just going to feel better. Steve felt just fine going into the store to chat with Soda while drinking a Pepsi. They went to lunch together in Steve's car. It was all starting to fall back into place, and they both couldn't be more grateful.

There was about an hour left of Soda's shift. With the store going slow, he walked to the back and grabbed a few boxes to stock some items. He thought about walking out to the garage and seeing if Steve wanted to help before they clocked out. As he walked towards the door, Soda got a glimpse out the window and saw Tim Sheppard walking into the DX garage. He stopped, feeling his nerves rise as he didn't want to be face-to-face with Tim Sheppard right now.

* * *

"Hey Steve," Tim greeted as he entered the garage.

Steve heard the too familiar voice. He felt his heart rise to his throat as he came out from under the hood of the car he was working on. Putting on his game face, Steve slowly turned to face him.

"Sheppard," Steve replied, grabbing a towel to wipe his hands down, "What brings you here?"

"Oh just hanging out. Been laying low for a bit," Tim replied.

"I see that."

"How's the kid?"

Steve looked down at the greased-up towel, "Fine."

"How's Darrel and Sodapop?"

"Well, I'm alive, so that should answer that for you."

"Are they talking to you?"

"Yeah," Steve nodded, "We're okay. Soda's here though and will probably lose his shit if he sees you here."

"He'll be fine," Tim said, waving it off, "Did you tell them?"

"Tell them what?"

"Don't play stupid Randle. Did you tell them why we were at Yale?"

Steve sighed, "Didn't really have a choice."

Tim turned to look outside, then turned to look back at Steve, "Did you tell anyone else?"

"No," Steve shook his head, "By now, I don't know who all knows though. People talk."

"Well, that's okay. Won't change anything."

"What are you talking about?" Steve asked.

Tim looked at Steve, "What do you think I'm talking about? I'm not done."

A lump formed in Steve's throat as he firmly responded, "Well I am."

"Steve..."

"No Tim," Steve shook his head.

"Steve, you need to think about it."

"I can't," Steve continued to shake his head, "I just can't go back there...Soda would kill me."

"He doesn't have to know," Tim said in a low voice, "No one really does."

"Tim, I said no."

Tim shrugged, "Sorry buddy, but you're already kind of in it."

"No," Steve argued.

"You are not screwing me over Randle."

"Don't even try it Sheppard."

Steve and Tim just stared at each other for a bit. Tim really was going to try and get Steve back in his mess. Steve expected it though, and he had to hold his ground.

As soon as Soda watched Tim leave the garage, he walked out of the store and hurried over. He wouldn't be able to wait and talk to Steve about what Tim Sheppard wanted. He walked in, just in time to see Steve toss the towel onto the table with some frustration.

"Hey."

"Hey," Steve said. He already knew why Soda was there. He just waited for him to start asking.

"What'd Tim want?" Soda asked, getting right to the point.

"I'm sure you could guess," Steve said quietly.

"Did he ask you to go back to Yale?" Soda asked.

Steve slowly nodded. Upon seeing the expression on Soda's face Steve immediately responded, "I turned him down Soda. I told him no right away."

"Well that's good to hear."

"Don't worry Soda. I refuse to mess this up."

"Good," Soda simply responded, "Are you done for the day? You can come help me stock up."

"Sure, yeah, I can clean up a little in here and meet you inside."

Soda turned to leave the garage, "Cool. I'll see you in there."

* * *

Organizing the garage took a little longer than Steve normally took. Tim's words were going through his head, how he said Steve was already in it. Steve was trying to figure out if he was just saying that to scare Steve back into it, or if he was serious. He tried his hardest to let it go, and just assume he won't hear it from Tim any longer.

When he finally finished up, Steve made his way into the store. He saw Soda had already placed some boxes of which aisle they were going to go to. He went towards the candy aisle, near where Soda was cutting open some boxes by the coolers.

"Was it busy in here today?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, helped the day go by," Soda responded while filling the fridges with beverages, "So how was Tim? How did he seem?"

"He said he was laying low."

"Of course he was," Soda rolled his eyes. He usually never cared about Tim Sheppard or his gang's shenanigans or the shit they'd get themselves into. Unfortunately this one got him personally, so all he could feel was rage. He also felt annoyed at Tim's ignorance for not acknowledging what had happened to a fellow greaser.

"Soda, it wasn't exactly his fault Pony got hurt," Steve said.

"Don't give him excuses."

"I'm not defending him," Steve said firmly, "Let's make that clear. I'm not making excuses for him. I'm not happy with him about it, but I take more responsibility. I'm not going to put all the blame on him just to cover my own ass."

"I guess. Was he pushy about you going back with him?"

"I don't know. He definitely wasn't happy. He said I'm already in it, like I don't have a way out of it."

Soda turned away from the fridge and looked at Steve, "Don't believe him Steve. Of course you have a way out. In fact, you're already out of it. I don't care what he says."

"I know Soda. Trust me, I put that through his head."

"Well I hope he leaves it be, or I'll get involved."

"Soda relax," Steve said, "Once he cools off, he'll drop it, I'm sure."

Soda turned back towards the fridge with a muttered response, "He better."

* * *

"I swear Darry, if he tries to get Steve to go back, I'm going to beat his ass."

"Sodapop, calm down. I think you're getting worked up over nothing," Darry said while emptying the grocery bags.

"How can you say that after what happened to Pony?"

"I'm not saying you're getting too worked up over Pony's accident, I just don't expect Tim to beg. He's not the type. I think Steve's right and he'll just let it go."

Soda sighed, "I hope so."

"Now do you want to make yourself useful and help put these groceries away?"

"No," Soda smirked while opening one of the bags.

"Did Tim talk to Steve?" Pony asked, entering the kitchen.

Soda's head dropped, "You always hear things you don't need to hear, you know that?"

"Always listening in," Darry added in.

"I couldn't help it," Pony answered with a shrug, "I worry."

"Well to answer your question, yes Tim talked to Steve today. He came by the DX," Soda answered.

"What'd they talk about? Guessing he didn't even bother to ask about me," Pony said.

"No he didn't. I wasn't pleased about him not asking," Soda said, "But anyway, he just asked Steve about going back to Yale."

Pony gulped, "He's not going to is he?"

"Oh Pone," Soda walked over and pulled Pony into a hug.

"He can't go back there Soda," Pony lay his head down on Soda's shoulder.

"Of course not. Steve isn't going to. I promise." Pony didn't respond. Soda could hear his little brother's deep swallows, trying to hold back any tears from his worries. "Do you need to talk to him, and ask him yourself?"

Pony removed himself from Soda's embrace and looked up at him, "We don't have to."

Soda grinned, "Yeah we do."

The two brothers got into Darry's truck and drove to the Randle house. It didn't bother Soda this time to have to reassure Pony by going to Steve's house. He'd rather not have Pony bothered the rest of the evening and then possibly have a nightmare. Soda pulled the truck up to the house and put it in park.

"I'm sorry Soda," Pony said closing the passenger side door, "We didn't have to come here. I should know Steve won't do it again."

"It's fair for you to ask," Soda said walking up the driveway. They walked up the front porch and Soda knocked on the front door. "Steve will understand."

"Hey guys," Steve answered the door, "What are you doing here?"

"Pony just wanted to talk to you," Soda said as they walked in the house, "Get some reassurance."

"About what?"

Pony put his hands in his pockets. Soda grabbed his little brother's shoulder and gave it a squeeze, "Go on, you can tell him."

Steve looked down at the youngest greaser, "What's wrong?"

"I heard Tim talked to you today," Ponyboy said.

Steve looked down, "Yeah he came by work. You have nothing to worry about though. I'm not going back to Yale. I'm not going to help Tim with anything. Okay?"

"I don't want you to get hurt," Pony said looking down at his leg, "Like I did."

"Ponyboy, I won't. I'm not going back. I won't get hurt," Steve assured Pony, "I promise I wouldn't do that to you or to Soda."

"Okay," Pony sighed.

"Please don't worry over this," Steve said, "There is nothing to worry about. At all. It's done."

Pony nodded, "Okay. Thank you Steve." Steve hoped he could relax Pony at least a little, even if he wasn't so sure if this was all done with. Even if Tim tried anything, Steve hoped he could handle it in secret and just keep Pony out of it.

"Look I'm sorry to kick you guys out, but my dad is upstairs and he's not exactly in a good mood," Steve said, "Which means I'll probably be over later."

"Okay, we'll get out of here then," Soda said leading Pony out the door.

"Soda," Steve said with a low voice.

"Go get in the truck," Soda said towards Ponyboy. He turned back towards Steve. "What?"

"Look, I know we both know Tim may or may not just forget about this bullshit. If Tim isn't done with me, can we please just keep it on the low down? Don't tell Pony about any of it. He doesn't need to be involved or worry about it."

"I agree," Soda nodded, "Well if your dad kicks you out, just come on over."

"Thanks buddy."

As Soda got back into the truck, Pony looked over at his older brother.

"You don't believe him, do you?"

Soda looked at Pony while entering the key, "What do you mean?"

"I can tell you don't believe him," Pony said quietly, "And that's worrying me. A lot."

Soda sighed, "It's not about if I believe him or not. I am hopeful he'll do the right thing, or hopeful Tim will back off."

"Something's bothering you though about this. What is it?"

"Remember how we had that talk? How I was telling you Steve may not always be the most reliable person when stuff that's exciting comes to him?"

Ponyboy looked down, "Yeah. I remember."

Soda placed his hand over Pony's and gave it a squeeze, "This is what I was talking about."


	21. Chapter 21

"I'm going, just let me get my keys dad!"

"Don't fucking bother! You're grounded from your car!"

"For what? Because you're in a bad mood?"

"I say what goes, now get the hell out!"

Not wanting to deal with anymore, Steve marched out the front door and heard his dad slam it shut behind him. He wasn't surprised he was getting kicked out. His dad had been in a bad mood all evening, so Steve knew what was coming.

"Screw you," Steve muttered as he fished out his pack of cigarettes. He lit a cigarette and began walking towards the park. He knew he'd end up at the Curtis house, but he always took a stroll through the park to cool off first.

He paced around the park, taking drags off his conversation. He'd pick up some sticks and rocks to throw them as hard as he could, burning off the angry energy. The conversation he had with Tim was still going through his head. He hated to admit Rachel was right. Even though he was able to tell Tim no, it wasn't the end of it. Not just because Tim claimed it wasn't the end of it, but Steve couldn't stop thinking about it. He thought about all the scenarios and the "what ifs." There was definitely the side of him that wanted to go for the action, the challenge of his worth with vehicles, and just the simple fact that it'd be fun as hell. That side of him easily pushed away the other side, the side that told him the risks he was gambling with. If Soda did find out...but does Soda have to find out? If Pony found out...but does Pony have to find out either? Steve's concerning questions constantly got interrupted by the questions that could get him out of those concerns. He knew this was going to be a tough battle to get himself through.

Steve's head shot up and turned as he heard a common sound approaching. A car was driving down the road, slowing as it approached the park. What stopped him in his tracks was how nice the car looked. It was too nice.

"Ah shit," Steve muttered tossing his cigarette to the ground, stomping it out. The car pulled into the grass some, came to a stop, and the doors opened. Steve straightened himself up, standing his ground.

"There he is," he heard someone say.

"Even better, I'm being searched for," Steve rolled his eyes, getting himself ready for defense. He didn't think anything of the statement right away. There were plenty of times Socs thought they found a greaser they claimed to be looking for, but in reality they were drunk and found a random greaser to jump for kicks. Three guys stepped out of the car and walked towards Steve. He was taking back when he saw one of them automatically flip a blade. That was bad news. Maybe someone was specifically looking for him. They got closer, and Steve continued to stay on guard while keeping his cool. "What do y'all want? You're pretty far out of your territory."

"Well, we're pretty sure you were out of yours the other night," one of them smirked. They got right up to Steve, only feet away.

"Says who?"

"Don't play dumb grease," the tallest Soc snarled, as the other two made their way around to the sides of Steve, clearly wanting to keep him from running off. Steve kept his eye on each of them.

"We know you were seen at Yale with Sheppard," another Soc said.

"You really thought you were going to get away with my brother's car?" the tallest Soc said, "Big, big mistake getting involved with Sheppard."

"You got the wrong guy," Steve said. If there's anything any greaser knew, it was to never admit what someone was accusing you of. Whether it was a Soc, or the fuzz, or even another greaser, you don't admit shit.

"Everyone knows you Randle," the Soc on Steve's right side said, "Everyone knows you would know how to get away with this."

"And Sheppard seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth," the tallest Soc kept talking, "So we'll send him a message this way."

Before Steve could respond, all three lunged at him at the same time. He attempted to grab at them, but they were too quick on him. The two side Socs got him held down while the big one held the blade and stood over. Steve tried to get out of the grips, but was stuck.

"Do you want to tell us where Sheppard is? So I can give him a good beating, again," the Soc snarled, "And save your own ass?"

Steve didn't say a word. Even if he did tell this Soc where Tim could be at, he knew the Soc wasn't going to go easy on him. It wouldn't save his ass at all. More importantly, even though he may have been a little mad with Tim, he wouldn't rat him out to a Soc. Tim wouldn't rat Steve out to a Soc either.

"Well, easy enough," the Soc got closer and pushed the blade against Steve's arm. Putting pressure down, he slid it across the skin, causing Steve to yell. He began thrashing around, trying to fight back. His heart was jumping as he knew the Soc was cutting near the long scar he already possessed. The Soc tossed the blade to the side, and began throwing fists. The other two Socs let go and joined in to the hits. They were too quick for Steve to get out, so all he tried to do was bring his arms up to cover himself.

"Hey! What the hell are y'all doing over here?" a voice yelled, "Get the hell out of here!"

The hits stopped instantly, and Steve heard the footsteps run off. He brought his hands closer to his head, covering as much as he could, unsure what was coming next.

"Come on you cowards!" a second voice yelled, "Can't take us on when it's an even number!"

"Steve?" the first voice got closer, "Steve? Are you alright?"

Steve removed his hands, and looked up to find Two-Bit and Johnny standing over him. Figuring it was safe now, he slowly sat up and saw Dally chasing the car off.

"You're bleeding," Two-Bit said motioning towards Steve's arm.

"Yeah," Steve said refusing to look down at it, "They pulled a blade." Two-Bit grabbed Steve's arm that wasn't cut and helped him to his feet.

"What are you doing out here?" Johnny asked.

"My old man kicked me out," Steve answered, "I needed to cool off."

"Going to Soda's?" Two-Bit asked.

"Yeah. What were you guys doing?" Steve asked as Dally walked back over.

"We were at the stables watching Dally do some riding," Johnny answered.

"It's a good thing we left when we did to save your ass," Dally commented, "What did they want?"

Steve shook his head, "They were asking where Tim was. They apparently saw us that night. Or someone did and told them."

"Ah shit," Two-Bit said, "Well let's get to Soda's to bandage your arm."

"Yeah," Steve said, bringing his one hand over to cover the cut, feeling the blood against his palm. He wasn't in the right mindset to be looking at cuts on his arm. He couldn't have an episode right there in the middle of the park.

"You know, it wasn't an even number," Johnny said as they began walking.

"What?" Two-Bit asked.

"Dally yelled at the Socs they can't take us on when it's an even number," Johnny grinned, "It wasn't an even number though."

"Oh yeah it was," Steve smirked, "I was staying on the ground."

* * *

Steve stood in the bathroom washing his arm off. The cut wasn't too deep thankfully. He tried not to look at it too much since he had been feeling sensitive about his long scar on his arm. He couldn't even dare look at it.

"Did they say anything else about Tim?" Soda asked, sitting on the toilet watching Steve clean up.

"They just asked me where he was."

"You guys didn't even take the car, and they still jumped you over it?"

"Yeah," Steve sighed, "Not too surprised. I was caught." Steve felt a little sore, and saw a couple of bruises form on his face.

"Do you think this is it? They jumped you, and it's over?" Soda asked.

Steve knew he was asking, because it was probably more obvious that it wasn't going to end with just that. "Tim will probably get jumped next if they find him."

Soda shook his head, "And then Tim will want more than ever to get back at them."

"He still does anyway. I just hope he leaves me out of it."

"Me too. You good?" Soda asked as Steve finished the bandage.

"Yeah, where's Ponyboy at?"

"He's out in the back, probably smoking."

"Alright, I'm going to go say hi. Want to get some cards and we'll play when I come back in?"

Soda grinned, "Yeah sure."

* * *

"I'm sorry you got jumped," Pony said. Steve grabbed the basketball and began dribbling it around.

"I'm fine," Steve shrugged.

"Dally came out here and was telling me about it. It sounds like you could have gotten really hurt," Pony said.

"Maybe. But hey, they got there and now it's fine. Can't dwell on it," Steve shot the basketball towards the hoop.

"So what are you going to do about all of this?"

"Tim is going to have to handle it on his own," Steve said, "I'm not getting involved. He's got himself in something deep with this guy. I don't know what the hell it is, but I can't help him out."

Pony nodded, looking down and kicking at some grass.

"God, you are the image of your brother," Steve chuckled.

"What?" Pony asked, looking back up.

"Soda can't hide his feelings when something's bothering him," Steve said passing the basketball to Pony, "Obviously neither can you."

Pony held onto the ball and sighed, "Well, you're right."

"Right about what?"

"Tim did get himself in something deep," Pony said tossing the ball back.

Steve caught the basketball and gave it a squeeze, "How do you know?"

"Earlier today, I was walking over to the DX to say hi to you and Soda. I ran into Curly on the way there. He asked how my leg was and if everything was okay," Pony explained, "He started talking about how Tim just needed to quit it with this guy. It was never going to end, they'd always hit him back with something, and then he'd get back at them. It was a back and forth thing that wasn't ending."

"Are you saying Tim has had it with this guy for some time?"

"I guess so," Pony said, "Curly said it's just some feud going on. But this time that guy took it too far by beating Tim and destroying his car. So now Tim is taking it a step further by wanting to steal a car."

Steve shook his head, "So he decided to get me involved without really being truthful."

"What do you mean?"

"He told me this Soc jumped him randomly when his car got beat up. He didn't say anything about a feud."

"Oh," Pony looked down, "No, Curly was saying this has been something going on between them."

"So why hasn't Tim told anyone else? Why hasn't he got the gang together to go beat his ass or something?"

"Maybe Tim's too proud. Maybe Tim has something going on over at Yale and knew no one on our side of town would help him with anything he got into over there. I mean this isn't the usual Soc we deal with, this is a Soc at Yale, you know how sketchy that is. Maybe Tim got into something."

Steve thought for a moment, "You may not be wrong about that one kid."

"It's just worrying me..."

"What?" Steve asked taking a shot for the basketball hoop.

"That if Tim is involved in some dirty shit at Yale, and now he got you involved, you won't be able to easily get out of it."

Steve slammed the basketball towards the ground, letting it take a loud bounce towards the sky, "He better believe he ain't getting me into some shit I can't get out of."


	22. Chapter 22

_Pony was at his parent's bedroom doorway. It was deja vu as he looked towards the bed, and saw his mom there, in her death sleep. She was still covered in pills, pale, motionless. Regardless of being in this scene already, it still felt fresh, and it was still just as terrifying. His heart had stopped and jumped to his throat. He heard the cries again. Looking over, he saw Steve. He was trying desperately to get to the bed again, but this time there were Socs. They held him down and were beating him. Steve was begging for help, screaming they were going to kill him._

_"Stop it!" Pony cried out, "Leave him alone! He didn't do anything! Stop! Stop!"_

_With one harsh shove, one of the Socs tossed Steve to the ground. He didn't move. Out of his hand fell a blade, sliding over to the doorway, next to Ponyboy's shoe._

_"No..." Pony shook his head as he stared at the blade, "No, just go away please."_

_"Kid..."_

_Pony looked up and saw Steve looking up at him with a beaten face._

_Motioning towards the blade, Steve said, "If you want the nightmare to end, you know what to do."_

Ponyboy shot up in bed, sitting straight up, in a cold sweat. He was shaking hard, grasping his hair and slightly tugging at it. With quivering lips, Pony looked over and saw Soda fast asleep, breathing steadily. The need to get away was desperate. Flipping the covers off, Pony felt his feet touch the soft carpet. He hadn't soothed the shakes as he slowly got down to his knees. Taking a deep breath, Pony held it for a few seconds. He let it out slow, and got back to his feet.

The nightmare was beating at his brain. It was too much stuff to think about. From his parents, to his blade, to Steve's mom, to Steve getting jumped. He couldn't handle it. He felt himself slowly sinking, and needed a quick way out. Looking down at his desk, Pony swiped his blade and hurried out of the bedroom.

'Wait,' Pony tried rationally telling himself, 'Go talk to Steve. He's right downstairs.'

Pony got to the stairs, and slowly took steps down. With each step was another slow breath. He was desperate to slow the pounding in his chest. Once he got to the bottom, he looked over at the sleeping body on the couch.

'You promised him.'

Pony walked closer to Steve, but a vision crossed his mind from the nightmare. It made his stomach jump, and he felt the need to vomit. Quickly, Pony got through the living room and into the bathroom, dry heaving towards the toilet. He felt the forces push towards his throat, but nothing came out. Turning over, he leaned against the wall. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't deal with this for the rest of his life. Steve was much tougher than him. Pony couldn't do it. He refused to.

Pony flipped open his blade.

"Just get out of my head," Pony said through gritted teeth. He pushed the blade against his arm, but jumped when a knock came upon the door. He stayed frozen in his spot.

"Ponyboy?"

In a flash, Pony closed his blade and shoved it under the bathroom rug. He jumped up, wiped his eyes, and opened the door just a crack.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Steve asked, "I thought I heard someone rush in here."

Thinking about the position he was just in, he shook his head, opened the door all the way and fell into Steve's chest. He wrapped his arms around tight, silently begging for comfort. Steve returned the embrace, placing a hand on Pony's messy hair.

"Talk to me," Steve said, "What happened?"

Pony didn't respond, just shook his head against Steve.

"Come on," Steve said, leading Pony back out to the couch. They took a seat together, Steve still holding onto the young greaser. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Pony slowly nodded, feeling the goosebumps rise upon his skin.

"What happened?"

Unable to hold it in any longer, Pony let the tears fall and went into a hard bawl. "I'm sorry, Steve."

"Sorry for what?" Steve asked.

"For waking you."

Steve lifted Pony off of him and looked straight into his eyes, "Stop that kid. That's not why you're saying that. Now damnit, tell me what's going on."

"What's going on?"

Steve and Pony looked towards the stairs and saw Soda making his way down. Noticing his younger brother's tear-stained face, he asked, "Ponyboy, what's wrong?"

"He had a nightmare," Steve answered, "I found him in the bathroom down here."

Soda took a seat on the couch, with Pony between him and Steve, "What happened in it buddy?"

Pony forced himself to calm down a little. "I can't remember," he responded. Steve and Soda looked at each other, unsure if they were to believe him.

"Are you sure?" Soda asked, "You seem awful shook up."

"I just...can't really remember what exactly happened," Pony lied, "I felt scared when I woke up, but I wasn't sure why. I got really shook up and came down here to talk to Steve, but panicked and went into the bathroom instead. I just don't know what I was dreaming about. I just want to go to bed."

As the brothers went upstairs, Steve sat on the couch, just thinking. He thought it was a little odd Pony was in the downstairs bathroom after a nightmare, even if he did say it was out of panic. It was as if he was coming down to get Steve for help, but went against that idea. Steve didn't know if he was suppose to worry about that thought.

* * *

Soda spent some time rubbing Pony's hair, feeling damped sweat, helping him fall back asleep. Pony's eyes stayed shut the entire time, but Soda knew he was just avoiding conversation. He waited until he knew Pony was truly asleep, and then carefully got out of bed. He closed the bedroom door behind him and went back downstairs.

"I figured you'd still be awake," Soda said, seeing Steve sitting up on the couch.

"Yeah," Steve said. Soda took a seat in the armchair. "Is he asleep?"

"Yeah, finally," Soda said. The two boys were silent for a moment. "You know, it's not odd for Ponyboy to forget his nightmares. He's pretty much always done that. I don't know, this time it's hard to believe him I guess."

"He's been remembering them lately," Steve add in, "Do you want to try talking to him tomorrow?"

"I don't know. I know he should, I know it's good to talk about these things. But I've also been thinking how much he's dealt with lately. I kind of want to give him a break. Just let one nightmare go," Soda sighed, "It's got to be hard to keep talking and talking about everything."

"I know," Steve agreed, "I won't ask him about it if you want to let it go for now."

Soda looked at Steve with appreciation, "I guess I want to give him the chance to talk first. I'll worry of course if he decides to never talk about it, but I think I can be there for him this way too."

"Of course you can. Are you scared to hear what happened in the nightmare?"

Soda looked down to the floor and nodded, "Yeah, yeah I am. It's not just a nightmare about how mom and dad died. He's having these outrageous nightmares that never happened."

"It's just his imagination buddy," Steve reassured, "His mind is going a little wild is all."

"It's still scary to hear details about it."

"They scare me too," Steve admitted quietly, "Let's just try to go to bed. We have work in the morning."

* * *

Neither Soda or Steve slept the best. Both of their minds wandered. When morning hit, Soda was plenty ready to get up and get into work. He got downstairs and found Steve already in the kitchen making some breakfast.

"Thank God," Soda said, "I am starving."

"Me too," Steve chuckled, "Thinking a lot makes me hungry." The boys sat down and shoved food down.

"That was really good," Soda commented.

"Well thanks," Steve grinned, "Feel better?"

"Much. Thank you. Better make Darry something though," Soda laughed getting up from the table.

"I can whip him up something quick."

"I need to take a shower before work," Soda commented taking his nightshirt off and tossing it towards the laundry.

"Hang on, let me use the bathroom first," Steve said rushing to the door. He walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Turning on the faucet, he ran some water over his face. His face still had the small bruises on it. "Looks tuff enough," he commented turning the water off. He stepped over to grab the hand towel when a pain erupted in his foot.

"Ow!" he jumped, "What the hell?" Bending over, Steve lifted the rug and saw a blade.

* * *

While Steve was in the bathroom, Soda ran upstairs to grab his work clothes. "Hey Pony, you getting up anytime soon?" he asked with a grin.

Pony rubbed his eyes as he sat up, "Yeah yeah yeah, I'm moving."

"You didn't sleep too well?"

"I actually stayed asleep the rest of the night," Pony said, "I do feel tired still. I want to shower and just get clean."

"Well get up and use this bathroom, I'm going to use the downstairs. Then come eat some breakfast before I go into work.

Soda marched back downstairs and began knocking on the bathroom door, "Steve, you done?"

"Yeah, sorry," Steve said from the other side of the door. He slid the blade into his back pocket, concern filling his heart. Turning towards the door, Steve grabbed the doorknob and opened it. He looked past Soda, seeing if Pony was downstairs yet.

"You feeling alright?" Soda asked as Steve didn't look at him, "Does your face hurt?"

"Huh? Oh no, I'm good. Go get yourself smelling good for work."

"Hey! I always smell good," Soda hit Steve on the shoulder as he entered the bathroom.

Steve rolled his eyes, "Right." He took a seat in the living room, leaning forward with his hands folded. So much was running through his mind. It was all coming together. Pony had went into the bathroom last night, because he felt too helpless and was going to actually go through with cutting himself. Steve's head lowered into his hands and grasped his hair tight, wanting to pull it out. His concern was boiling into frustration. And he couldn't hold it in much longer.

Shooting up to his feet, Steve began marching upstairs. The bedroom door for Pony and Soda was closed, so he knocked on it. When an answer didn't come within two seconds, he knocked louder.

"Gees Soda I'm coming," Pony said from the other side.

Steve grasped the doorknob and shoved the door open.

"Oh sorry Steve, I thought you were Soda," Pony said as he put a t-shirt on.

Steve nearly slammed the door behind him, "What the hell is wrong with you kid?"

Pony looked at Steve with confusion. He was talking to him with a tone that was clear he wanted to yell, but was keeping his voice low. It was almost worse than just yelling. "What do you mean?"

Steve reached into his back pocket and tossed the blade onto the bed, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

Pony's mouth fell open, unable to speak. Everything seemed to happen so fast last night, he had completely forgotten he had ditched his blade in the bathroom. The blade had completely left his mind as he was being soothed by Steve and Soda.

"So I knocked on the door last night and you shoved it away?" Steve's lip was quivering hard, Pony couldn't tell if he wanted to cry or scream or hit something, "And you didn't fucking tell me?"

"Steve, I was..." Pony swallowed hard, "I was feeling so stuck. I was panicking. I was..."

"Nothing you say is a good excuse," Steve said through gritted teeth, "You promised me." Pony stayed silent, words stuck in his throat. "Show me your arms damnit. How many times have you cut yourself now?"

"I-I haven't!" Pony said with a shaky voice, holding his arms out and flipping them back and forth.

"I swear to God if you're lying to me..."

"You know how this is Steve. You know why I couldn't tell you last night," Pony looked down, "It's not easy to ask for help or..."

"You have so many options though! How could you..." Steve stopped and turned around, wrapping his hands behind his head, trying so hard not to lose his shit right there. He didn't say another word as he opened the door and walked out of the room.

Pony sat on his bed, feeling tears sting his eyes. He never thought he'd hear Steve talk to him that way, not ever again. Slamming himself down, burying his face into the pillow, he let himself bawl. He couldn't blame Steve for being mad, but he couldn't handle Steve handling it that way. He felt like a failure. He felt his and Steve's friendship bounce back to square one, or even square zero.

Sitting back up, Pony continued to cry. He was having a hard time calming himself down. His fists raised up and slammed back down against the bed. His face looked around the room frantically through the blurry vision. He was desperately needing a release.

Standing up, Pony was ready to just yell and let it all out. He looked down at the bed again, glancing at the blade upon his bed. It was taunting him, even as Steve's words bounced around his head.

* * *

"Hey Darry," Soda said entering the kitchen, "Can you give me a ride to work?"

"Yeah of course," Darry said rinsing out his coffee cup, "Are you ready now, because I need to head out."

"Yeah I'm ready to go. I just told Pony we were going to be heading out, so he knows," Soda said, "He wouldn't really open the door though. I think he's tired."

"Did he have a rough night?" Darry asked walking past Soda.

Following his older brother to the front door, Soda replied, "Yeah, he had a nightmare. He did fall back asleep, but doesn't seem rested."

"That happens," Darry commented, "Stress can keep you from truly getting rest. Maybe he'll just read and nap today. He could use it honestly."

The brothers exited the house and climbed into Darry's truck. Soda let out a sigh, unable to feel his usual happy-go-lucky self.

"Where's Steve anyway? Why couldn't he bring you to work?"

Soda shrugged, "I got out of the shower and he said he had to go and just left. No explaining anything."

"Huh," Darry said as he began driving down the road, "Did he sound upset or something?"

"Not upset," Soda shook his head, "He was mad. He was trying to simply say he had to go, but I knew the tone. He was pissed off about something, but I have no idea what."

Darry shrugged it off, "It's not a big deal I have to drive you to work, I was just asking."

"I know. I'm trying not to think much of it," Soda said. The brothers were silent the rest of the short drive. Soda just kept his gaze on his lap while his fingers nervously laced together. Steve could have his temper moments where he'd just leave, but Soda could usually figure out what was going on. This time it was hard to pinpoint. Pony not wanting to open the bedroom door when Soda was getting ready to leave didn't help either. It made Soda worry something happened between Steve and Pony while he was in the shower.

"Uh oh," Darry suddenly said, "He's not here."

Soda's head shot up and looked back and forth around the DX parking lot. Darry was right. Steve wasn't at work.


	23. Chapter 23

"Maybe I should run back home and talk to Ponyboy," Darry suggested.

"No, no," Soda shook his head, "Just leave him be and get to work. He probably wouldn't talk to us anyway. We can both talk to him later after he's had time to himself."

Darry didn't immediately like the idea, but he knew Soda was right about Pony not going to be willing to talk much. "Okay. I'll come pick you up later, assuming Steve isn't going to bring you home."

Soda shrugged as he opened the passenger door, "It wouldn't be like Steve to ditch work the whole day, but go ahead and come pick me up after work."

* * *

"How can he be so fucking stupid?" Steve growled. After his confrontation with Ponyboy, he had gone straight home. He didn't feel good about being harsh with the kid, but he was beyond frustrated. "I give him all my advice, I tell him every bit of shit I have gone through, and he still wants to try that shit? He knows exactly what road he'll go down. That's the exact thing he was afraid of doing, but of course that kid thinks he's strong enough to try it and not turn into what I turned into."

* * *

Pony stayed in his room for a long time. He hadn't expected Steve to yell at him. He hadn't expected Steve to react that way towards him. Most importantly, he didn't expect Steve to find his blade. That was a big mistake on Pony's part, and he only blamed himself for that one. Pony didn't even try anything, and that was the most frustrating part. There hadn't been time to explain that to Steve though. He wasn't even sure Steve would have been willing to listen to him. Now Pony was lost in wondering if him and Steve were going to come out friends from this. Was their friendship going to stay strong, or was it back to when Steve ignored his existence?

Flipping his blade open and shut over and over, Pony said to himself, "Doesn't even matter now, does it? If he's mad at me, who cares?"

There was nothing to hold him back now. No turning back. Pony pushed the blade against his arm, pierced the skin, and dragged across.

* * *

Steve lifted the receiver as his home telephone rang. "Hello?"

"Hi Steve."

Steve sighed at his best friend's voice at the other end, "Hi Soda."

"What's going on?"

"I'm just not feeling that great."

"Stop. I know something happened between you and Ponyboy. He wouldn't come out of his room before I went to work and you stormed off. What happened?"'

Steve shrugged, "Just a misunderstanding. He got me mad is all."

"Mad at what? Did he say something that I should be worried about?"

Steve didn't answer that question right away. He knew Ponyboy didn't actually do anything, not yet anyway. Steve was feeling ignored though, as if Pony wasn't taking his warnings seriously. His words weren't being heard. Pony probably wouldn't be happy if Steve told Soda, but he couldn't keep it from Soda either. Steve would have to give Soda a try to talk sense into Pony. "Soda...I found his blade in the downstairs bathroom. He had gone in there with it after his nightmare. I think he was planning to try cutting himself before I had caught him in there."

There was nothing, but silence on the other end of the line.

"I got mad that he was going to try it and not actually come talk to me, so I got on his case this morning. You'll need to talk to him Soda, because he isn't hearing me on everything I've warned him about. I feel bad for yelling at him, but I was so damn mad. You should try talking to him about all I've gone through, you have to."

"Yeah," Soda said with a low tone, "Damn, I was worried about this."

Steve knew what he meant by that. He was worried when Pony heard all of these stories they would truly mess with his head and lead him to get too curious about things. "I'm sorry Soda."

"It's okay Steve. I'm trying not to get too upset about this," Soda stopped there, not wanting to get himself mad after making things better with his best friend recently, "I'll talk to him when I get home later."

"Good. I'll talk to you soon," Steve sighed as he hung up the phone.

* * *

Darry spent his workday worrying. He was trying not to, but he didn't like being in the unknown. He knew Pony probably wanted to be alone, but he certainly didn't like leaving Pony home alone right now. What happened between Steve and Pony that made one of them storm out and the other stay in his room by himself?

Normally, Darry wouldn't give a second thought if Pony and Steve had a little tiff with each other. Lately though, Steve was Pony's backbone. Steve was becoming a deeper part of Pony's life. Ponyboy did have a deep emotional side as well, and if he got in an argument with Steve, Darry was worried how Pony would react.

* * *

After the first couple of hours passed, Soda gave home a call. He wanted to check in with his little brother.

"Hello?"

"Hey Pony, it's Soda."

"Oh hi."

"How are you doing?" Soda asked.

"I'm fine," Pony responded.

"Well, I know something must have happened with you and Steve."

"W-Why?" Pony asked with a slight nervous tone.

"You wouldn't talk to me this morning and Steve left out of nowhere. I know he was mad about something," Soda sighed, "I'm sorry I wasn't around. I was in the shower when whatever happened happened."

"It's fine. It's okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Soda asked, hoping Pony would bring up his weak moment the night before, but knew deep down he wouldn't.

"Not really."

"Well," Soda knew this wasn't the time to bring up that Steve already told him what made him so mad. It would have to wait until he got home, but he didn't want Pony to overreact about anything before that time came. "Don't worry too much, okay? Steve can get overheated about things, but he'll cool down and be fine. Just a bad morning."

"How does he seem?" Pony asked.

"Well I don't..." Soda stopped as he realized Pony was under the impression Steve was at work, "...he seems fine."

"He didn't tell you what happened this morning?"

"No," Soda continued to lie, "He's kept to himself."

"Oh."

"But that doesn't mean anything Pony. He might want to let you tell me yourself, when you're ready. Don't worry yourself in the head over it, okay? We can talk about it when I get home, alright?"

"Will Steve be coming back here after work?"

"I don't really know," Soda responded, "Do you not want him to?"

Pony was quiet for a second, "I know he's pretty mad, but I think I should talk to him too."

"Okay, I can see if he'll come by after work?" Soda didn't really want Steve over. He wanted to talk to his little brother himself, but he tried to hide the tone of disapproval.

"He didn't give me much of a chance to talk, he just yelled at me," Pony explained.

"Okay little brother," Soda felt his heart skip a beat from the statement. He understood why Steve would have yelled the way he did, but it did concern him how Pony would have taken that. It didn't make Soda feel any better knowing Steve didn't give Pony the chance to defend himself. He knew how his best friend could be, but this was his little brother, and you just didn't mess with his little brother. Steve knew that. "We'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks for calling Soda."

"Of course. Love you."

"Love you too."

As Soda hung up the phone, he felt decent about the phone call. He didn't expect Pony to admit to him what the argument was about, but Pony didn't seem too distressed over the phone. At least Soda could now try to continue his shift in peace.

* * *

Pony slowly replaced the receiver as the phone call with Sodapop ended. He looked back down at his arm. There was still some blood sitting there from the opening. He wasn't happy. He wasn't nervous. He wasn't scared, or mad, or thrilled. He felt numb about it. It was easy to accomplish too. He just simply did it, then he stopped, and then he watched.

Walking over to the kitchen sink, Pony rinsed off his arm. There was a little sting to it, but the bleeding stopped in little time. He hadn't cut too long or too deep. Grabbing the first aid kid, Pony grabbed a couple band-aids and put them over the cut. As he finished cleaning up, he was planning to go upstairs to grab his sweater to get his arm covered. The phone began ringing again, stopping him in his tracks.

"Hello?" Pony asked, taking one good look at the sink and counter to make sure he cleaned it up well.

"Hey Pony."

"Oh," Pony said with some surprise, "Hi Steve. Did Soda tell you to call?"

"No, no. I just had some time to cool down a little and thought I'd check up on you."

"I'm fine Steve," Pony said with a low voice, "I'm sorry for what happened. I was going to come to you last night, I really was. I was standing right next to you, ready to get some help from you for my nightmare. I panicked though. I had these flashbacks of the nightmare and I ran away instead. You knocked on the door before I did anything though."

"I know Pony, I know the panic can get to you and make you react without thinking. I've been there plenty of times, and I understand. I shouldn't have yelled at you for it. I should have talked to you and listened. I was just so frustrated though. And honestly, I've never dealt with this with anyone else. It's just been me dealing with myself. Even though I know how I should handle it with anyone else, sometimes my temper can still get in the way."

"I know why you were mad. I am sorry. I should have come to you instead," Pony looked down at his bandaged arm, "I promise I will next time."

* * *

The workday had ended. Darry picked Soda up from work and headed home. Soda talked to Steve on the phone one more time asking him to come over and help him talk to Pony. He still wanted the chance to talk to Pony himself, but maybe Pony would open up more if Steve was there to help first.

"I called Pony earlier today," Soda told Darry in the truck, "He sounded okay."

"That's good."

"I told Steve to come over tonight to help me talk to Pony."

"Did you talk to Steve about what happened?"

"Yeah," Soda replied, not wanting to tell Darry yet what Steve had told him. He knew Darry would have a hard time not confronting Pony about it, and Soda wasn't in the shape to risk Pony's trust right now. "He told me a little bit, but he can tell us a little more when he comes over. It's all okay though."

"Alright."

The older brothers arrived at home and entered the house. They found Pony sitting on the couch sketching in a notebook.

"Hey Pony," Darry greeted.

"Hi," Pony replied.

"Feeling better at all?"

"A little."

"What did you do today?" Darry asked, setting his tool belt aside.

"Just hung out. Read a little, been drawing for awhile now."

"Steve should be coming over later," Soda said taking a seat on the couch.

"Oh okay. He called me to apologize," Pony said.

"Really? What did he say?" Darry asked, slightly surprised of Steve for doing that.

"Just said sorry for overreacting," Pony simply said.

"Do you want to tell me what he overreacted to?" Darry asked.

Soda looked at his little brother, "It's okay to tell us."

"I want to wait until he's here," Pony said.

"That's okay," Darry said, feeling frustrated by the answer, but he wanted to be supportive, "We'll talk about it tonight though."

"I know," Pony said. Darry walked into the kitchen, leaving his little brothers on the couch.

"Hey Pony," Soda said looking up and down at his little brother.

"What?"

"Did you know it's like...summer outside?"

"So I hear," Pony shrugged.

"Why are you wearing a sweater?"

"It's not that hot in the house," Pony pointed out, "When is Steve coming?"

"He didn't say for sure," Soda responded, "Probably after dinner."

"I'm going to go lay down for a little bit then. It's been a long day," Pony got up from the couch and headed upstairs. Soda stayed in his spot for a bit. He started thinking about how Steve told him he found Ponyboy's blade in the bathroom. He started remembering how he thought it was odd of Steve's clothing choices a few years back, just to realize later why he was covering up.

* * *

Later in the evening, the Curtis brothers sat down for dinner. There wasn't much conversation. Pony knew his older brothers wanted to ask about what happened that morning. Soda knew what happened that morning, but he couldn't let that on. He was also concerned with the timing, if there was a deeper reason his little brother was wearing a sweater. Darry tried his best to keep conversations elsewhere, wanting to respect Pony's wish of waiting for Steve to be here.

"Was it busy at work?" Darry asked.

Soda nodded, "Yeah it was. Gracie actually came in."

Darry looked up, "Oh yeah? You haven't seen her in awhile."

"Almost a year."

"Has it been almost a year since she pulled that stunt?" Pony asked.

"Yep," Soda said, "I was surprised she showed her face. She was by herself too."

"What did she say?" Darry asked.

"She asked how I had been and how Steve had been. I didn't say much back. She hinted at us going out to the Dingo though."

"I hope you said no," Darry said firmly.

"Of course I did," Soda's eyebrows furrowed, "I wouldn't do that to Steve."

"She's just a troublemaker," Darry shook his head.

"Sucks, because she's cute."

"You think she'll try asking Steve out too?" Ponyboy asked.

Soda rolled his eyes, "It would be stupid of her, but I wouldn't put it past her. She realized she lost Steve trying to get to me, but when she got caught she wasn't going to have me anyway. Now she probably misses Steve after realizing he's a good guy."

"Oh well," Darry stood up, taking his empty plate to the sink, "Hope she doesn't start some drama now."

"I heard she was with someone for some time, but now it's over," Pony added in, "She just can't handle being alone."

"And those are the girls that cause trouble," Soda nodded, "Remember that Ponyboy? Girls who aren't happy with themselves won't be happy with you either."

"Pony doesn't need girls right now," Darry grinned at his little brother.

"Hey maybe he does," Soda shrugged, standing up with his dishes.

"I'm good," Pony said with a chuckle.

* * *

Soda and Pony sat on the front porch swing waiting. They were expecting Steve to arrive shortly after dinner, but he hadn't shown up. The sun was setting and it was getting dark out.

"Where do you think he is?" Pony asked.

"I have no idea," Soda said, "I mean maybe he got in a fight with his dad or something."

"Should we call him?"

Before Soda could answer, the front door opened and Darry stepped out. "He's still not here?"

"No," Soda shook his head, "I can give him a call."

As Soda stepped inside, Darry looked down at Pony. "If Steve doesn't come by, I still want to talk with you about what happened this morning. If Steve got upset with you about something, I'm pretty concerned of what that could be."

Pony looked down, "I know."

"I'd never thought I'd be concerned over any problems between you and Steve," Darry chuckled.

"Right."

"Don't be afraid to talk to me and Soda, okay? We'll sit and listen to what happened and help you out."

"I know you will."

"Come on. Let's get inside," Darry held out a hand and lifted Pony to his feet, leading him inside the house.

"Anything?" Pony asked watching Soda hang up the kitchen phone.

Soda shook his head, "No answer." Soda watched the disappointment set on his little brother's face. This was it. This was where his biggest worry about Steve was possibly coming to the light.

"Let's just forget about that for right now," Darry said taking a seat in the armchair, "Let's just sit and talk, us three for now. We should be able to talk to each other about anything."

Pony sat down on the couch while Soda took a seat on the floor by the coffee table.

"Now Pony, what went on this morning? Why did Steve get so mad and leave?" Darry asked.

Pony took a hard swallow. The words were going to be difficult to let out.

"Pony whatever it is, you can tell us. We can have a calm conversation about it. I promise," Darry went on.

"Really? Because Steve couldn't," Pony said with some frustration.

"Pony," Soda began, "I know you're mad that Steve isn't here after saying he would be. And I know he lost a little of his temper this morning. We won't do that though. We just want to help." Soda felt himself bite his lower lip, hoping Pony would spill out the truth so he didn't have to admit he already knew.

Pony rolled his eyes at Soda's statement. He knew Soda was right. He was feeling mad that Steve ditched him tonight without a word, and he had to try and not take that out on his older brothers. "Steve got mad...well, because he found my blade in the bathroom."

"What do you mean?" Darry asked.

"Last night, I had a nightmare. I came down here to try and talk to Steve, but I was panicking and just couldn't get myself to relax. I was so scared and just couldn't stop moving around. I rushed into the bathroom with my blade..."

Darry looked down, "What did you do?"

"Nothing," Pony said, "Steve woke up and knocked on the door. I hid my blade from him, but he found it this morning and got mad about it. That's what he was upset about."

"Are you thinking about doing it?" Soda asked.

Pony shook his head, "No. I don't even know if I would've last night. I was just rushing and moving too quickly, but when I was at that moment...I don't know if it would've happened."

"I hope not," Darry took a deep breath, clearly trying hard to keep his promise of having a calm talk, "I know it seems like it could help distract you from fear and pain, but it only causes more. You heard everything that happened to Steve. We cannot let you go down that path as well."

"I know," Pony said, "I'm sorry Darry. I'm sorry Soda. I promise I'm not thinking about doing it. I don't want to do it. I don't want it as a distraction or anything. When I think about it, it just bothers me more than anything."

"It's okay little buddy," Darry said, "I'm glad you could tell us the truth though. I know it may not have been easy, but we have to know these things.

"Well that's why I wanted Steve here. He could help me talk about it," Pony said, "And I wanted to talk to him more too since he didn't really let me this morning."

Soda shrugged, "Maybe he just got..."

"To hell with the maybe," Pony suddenly blurted, standing up and marching towards the stairs, "Something more important came up and he ended up doing that instead. Just like you said Soda."


	24. Chapter 24

Ponyboy felt like he had been betrayed. He had been confident that there could have been a good conversation between him, Steve, and his brothers. He felt like the conversation could have helped him, but now he was just mad. He was furious. He wouldn't have thought Steve would just ditch him. They needed to talk about things. "He doesn't want to talk about this morning," Pony muttered to himself. Pacing around his room, he had to hold himself back from just throwing things around. He felt like he could explode at any moment.

"Fuck," Pony said under his breath. He snatched his blade, shoved it in his pocket, and marched downstairs. "I'm going for a walk. I need some air."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Soda asked, "It's going to be dark soon."

"No. I just need a minute alone," Pony said as he hurried out the door. He walked at a fast pace. So many emotions were running through him, and he was unsure how to handle them. He was mad at Steve, but he didn't have to be. If he didn't depend on Steve so much, it wouldn't be like this. Maybe he'd just have to go back to his original relationship with Steve and depend on Soda and Darry again. As he arrived to the park, he pulled out a cigarette and lit up. As much as he wanted to just ditch all he and Steve had been through, he considered going to Steve's house to attempt to talk, but couldn't figure out what to actually say to him. All he wanted to do was yell.

* * *

There was a knock at Steve's front door. He thought maybe Soda was there. "I thought I was going over there later," Steve said to himself as he approached the door. As Steve opened the door, he felt himself take a step back.

"Hi Steve."

"Gracie," Steve slightly gasped, "Hi."

"Haven't seen you in awhile," Gracie said taking one step inside the house. Steve may have felt his heart slightly leap at the sight of Gracie, but he knew he had to keep his composure.

"Thought maybe you checked yourself into the nut house," Steve commented.

Gracie chuckled, "You're so funny. It's one of your best qualities."

"Wasn't being funny," Steve rolled his eyes, "You can leave now." After he said that, he almost regretted it. He was curious as to why she was there.

"Don't you want to ask why I'm here?"

"Not really," Steve crossed his arms. As surprised as he was to see Gracie at his house, he had torn emotions as he thought she was the last person he needed to see right now. About a year ago, Steve had started a relationship with Gracie. Things were going great too. Apparently she had other intentions though. She made moves on Soda. She appeared flirty, but harmless flirty at first. Soda tried to brush it off as her being overly friendly to her boyfriend's best friend. But then one day she went to the DX on a day only Soda was working, and she told Soda how much she wanted him.

* * *

_Sodapop heard the door ding as someone entered the DX store. He looked up from his spot in an aisle where he was stocking shelves. He saw Gracie standing there, alone._

_"Hi there Gracie," Soda greeted as he walked back to the counter, "Is Steve with you?" Soda only asked, because he wasn't the most comfortable with Gracie. She was a very, very friendly girl. Soda was overjoyed for Steve, because they seemed so good together and Steve was the happiest guy in the world with her. She seemed to really enjoy being around Soda as well though, but he thought maybe it was just because of how close he was to Steve. Maybe she didn't want to be left out of the close bond as she became closer to Steve._

_"No," Gracie answered with a smile, "I think he's still sleeping."_

_"Yeah, he can get pretty lazy on his days off of work," Soda commented._

_"Yeah he can," Gracie grabbed a candy bar on display in front of her and played with the wrapper._

_"Just killing time until he gets up then?"_

_"Something like that," Gracie began tearing the wrapper down slowly. Soda watched, unsure what to say next to keep the conversation going. "Seems pretty dead in here."_

_"Uh yeah," Soda nodded, "It's been slow so far. Once lunch time hits and everyone's on a lunch break, it will be a different story."_

_"So I have some time then," Gracie commented, taking a slow bite of the candy bar._

_Soda looked at her with a confused look, "Some time for what?"_

_"To talk to you of course."_

_"Oh, well I can't stand around too long. I got some stocking to do and other things to get done," Soda bit his lip, "I can ring that up for you though and you can go over to Steve's and bug him to get out of bed."_

_"Oh Soda, Soda, Soda."_

_"What?"_

_"I came here," Gracie looked up at the handsome greaser, "To talk to you."_

_Soda was feeling slightly annoyed at the game being played, "Okay, what about?"_

_"I'm just going to spit it out Soda. I've had my eye on you for quite some time."_

_Soda swallowed hard, and felt himself begin to blush. He didn't even need to ask the next question, but he did anyway. "What do you mean?"_

_"Steve is...such an amazing guy. He's smart, sweet, funny and confident. A lot of great qualities," Gracie said as she ran her hand along the counter, close to Soda's hand, "But then you...well, it's obvious you're stunningly gorgeous. You're also sweet and kind in your own way. When you and Steve are together, you guys are just the perfect duo."_

_"Well thanks Gracie," Soda said glancing out the window, "I'm flattered, but..."_

_"You guys are the perfect duo," Gracie repeated as she placed her fingers upon Soda's hand, "And I started asking myself why can't I have both?"_

_Soda quickly drew his hand down to his side, "Wh-What do you mean?"_

_Gracie helped herself around the counter and got close to Soda, "Steve is a great guy, but I want you too Soda. Steve has qualities you don't have, but you also have qualities he doesn't have. I want both."_

_"Gracie," Soda backed up, "I..."_

_She walked right up to Soda and grabbed his shirt, pulling him close, "Steve doesn't have to know. I won't tell him. It can be between us."_

_Soda lifted his hands over his head where Gracie couldn't reach them, "Gracie, I..."_

_"It doesn't even have to be sexual. I know that'd be too weird if you slept with me knowing Steve was also sleeping with me, unless of course you don't mind..."_

_"Gracie stop!" Soda yelled pulling her hands off him. _

_"What's wrong?" Gracie asked._

_"You're joking right?" Soda asked._

_Gracie turned around and walked back around the counter. She got towards the exit when she looked back at Soda, "It sounds scary now, because you don't want Steve to find out. You don't have to worry. We can have a great relationship too, and he would never, ever have to find out." With that, Gracie blew Soda a kiss and walked out."_

* * *

"Well that's rude," Gracie commented.

"You are a real piece of work showing up here," Steve said.

"Oh relax Steve. I was just sent to come get you."

"By who?"

"Sheppard."

* * *

_Soda didn't tell Steve anything. He didn't want Steve to get mad at him. Soda couldn't help, but to blame himself. Looking back at the times he hung around with Steve and Gracie, he could only wonder if he had said or did anything to give Gracie the impression he wanted something with her. He decided to play it safe, and just wouldn't go out with them anymore. Steve was too happy with her._

_A couple weeks passed when Soda had a shift without Steve again, and Gracie showed up. She was alone again._

_"Hi Soda," Gracie smiled._

_Soda tried to smile back, but couldn't even fake it, "Hi."_

_"I haven't seen you in awhile," Gracie said, "You don't come out with us anymore."_

_"I didn't want to keep giving any impressions I may have given off to you," Soda admitted, "I'm flattered by what you said last time you were here, but I'm not interested in being in a relationship with you. I would never do that to Steve."_

_"But Steve doesn't have to know."_

_"I would only feel guilty about it anyway. I've never cheated on a girl or let a girl cheat with me on a guy she was already with," Soda said, "I'm sorry Gracie but no."_

_"Then it's over."_

_"What?" _

_"It's over. I will break up with Steve so we can be together," Gracie smiled. The calmness in her smile scared Soda._

_"Gracie," Soda looked at her with a shocked expression, "I wouldn't be with you even if you did break up with Steve. He'd be pissed at me."_

_"Then what do you want!" Gracie yelled. It made Soda jump a little to hear her yell. She was being calm and flirty the entire time, but the tables turned quick._

_"I don't want anything. I want you to be happy with what you have from Steve."_

_Gracie frowned and stomped up to the counter, "Cut the shit Soda. I tried making it easy last time with a simple offer, but you're being too stupid to take it. Steve is a good guy, but everyone knows you're the best looking guy in town. Every girl wants you. I just took a shorter route to you."_

_"What are you talking about?" Soda asked._

_"Oh my God you really don't get it do you? You certainly don't have the brains Steve does," Gracie slightly mocked, "I knew if I got with Steve, I'd get a lot of time around you. We could really get to know each other."_

_"You only dated Steve to get to me?" Soda asked, his voice lowering. He felt his heart sink at the thought that the one girl Steve got really close to was only using him._

_Gracie reached across the counter and pulled Soda towards her, "Just kiss me." Gracie planted her lips onto Soda's._

* * *

"What the hell does he want?"

Gracie walked closer to Steve, "He knows you were jumped. My heart shattered to hear you got hurt."

"So? What the hell is he going to do about it anyway? And why the hell did he think sending you here was going to convince me to go with you after what you did to me?"

Gracie rolled her eyes, "Oh stop it Steve. I'm not here to beg you for anything. I'm just passing along the message." She turned around and walked out of Steve's house, closing the door behind her.

Steve walked into his kitchen, anger rising in him. How could Tim Sheppard do that to him? How could he send Gracie over to play with his emotions? As he paced around, the phone caught his eye. He promised Soda he'd go over tonight to talk to Ponyboy. He couldn't go right now, not with the way he was feeling.

"Fuck," Steve muttered under his breath as he grabbed his car keys and stormed out.

* * *

Ponyboy found a spot to sit against a tree. He leaned back against it. Closing his eyes, he pictured his blade just sitting in his pocket. He knew he could easily escape this anger and frustration if he wanted to. Just one movement could...

"Ponyboy!"

Pony looked up towards the voice. It was dark, and he had to squint his eyes to make out the figure. It was Steve walking over to him. "Steve? What are you doing here?"

Steve got closer to Pony and sat down in the grass, "Well, I was driving around trying to blow off some steam. I was going to come see you later, but then I saw you here. I'm sorry if you were waiting long. I got caught up in some shit."

"What happened?" Pony asked, feeling some relief that Steve may not have just blown him off for a bullshit reason.

"Nothing important," Steve shook his head, "It's getting pretty dark out. Want a ride home?"

Pony looked at Steve for a minute before answering, "She came over, didn't she?"

"What?" Steve asked surprised at Pony's response.

"Gracie."

"How did you..."

"She was at the DX today. Soda said she stopped by."

Steve looked down and played with the grass. He felt his heart sink. He thought Gracie only stopped by to see him, even if it was on Tim's account. Hearing she went to see Soda first just proved how low she really was. "Did Soda say what she said to him?"

"Just small talk. I guess she tried talking about going out and stuff, but he shut her down."

Steve nodded, "Well, yes she did come by. But it wasn't to go out or anything."

Pony got a confused look on his face, "Then what did she want?"

"She told me Tim wanted to see me since I got jumped."

"Why didn't Tim just come to you himself?" Pony asked.

"Probably the same reason he hasn't come to see me lately. He knows I'd kick his face in right now before he had a chance to say anything."

"He really wants you to go back doesn't he?"

"He knows I'm the only one who can succeed in what he wants done," Steve said, "And...I think he's going to use me getting jumped as a way to convince me to go do something about it."

Ponyboy sighed, "I mean, I would understand if you wanted to go fight those guys. It's not as bad as stealing a car I suppose. But it's still a sketchy part of town and they don't fight like us."

"I know they don't," Steve agreed, "I'm pissed I had to take a beating for Tim, but I'm going to have to try and let it go. I have to stay uninvolved."

"Why do you think, out of anyone he could have used, he used Gracie to try and convince you?" Pony asked.

Steve thought for a moment, "Maybe to toy with me. Maybe because he knew she'd be willing to."

* * *

_"Steve, it's all a misunderstanding," Gracie begged. She looked over at Soda, who just leaned against Steve's car. Soda had convinced Steve to drive them to the park, so he could call her out in front of Steve. He didn't like the idea of it, but he knew if he had told Steve in private, he'd confront Gracie and she'd just lie._

_"How!" Steve barked, "How is it a damn misunderstanding?"_

_"I-I don't want Soda! It was a dare from my friends, because they wanted to see if Soda would just fall for me for my looks," Gracie defended herself, "They wanted to prove Soda would do anything to get a girl, even if it meant risking his best friend's friendship!"_

_"That is such a load of shit!" Steve yelled._

_"Steve, please just listen to me!" Gracie cried, "Soda turned me down, so you don't have to worry about anything! It can be just me and you! I promise!"_

_"How do you think I can be with you knowing you secretly want him instead?" Steve asked._

_"I don't want him," Gracie shook her head with trembling lips, "That's the thing is I don't want him. At all. Like I said, it was just some stupid misunderstanding. It was a harmless thing I did that went too far. I thought you'd see the joke in..."_

_"Joke?" Steve yelled, "Are you kidding me right now? A joke? You call this a joke!"_

_"Steve, please..."_

_"No! Go!"_

_"Wh-What?" Gracie asked as tears fell down her face._

_"Get out of here! I never want to see you again!"_

* * *

"I don't get it."

"What?" Steve asked.

"She wants Soda, so why would she do this?" Pony asked as he lit a cigarette, "Why do something for you if she wants Soda anyway? Isn't that kind of backwards?"

Steve sighed, "Soda doesn't really know this, but that night wasn't the last time we spoke. She called me...a lot. I knew she wasn't calling Soda, because Soda never said anything. She called me all the time and her friends would talk to me. Basically when she found out she really couldn't have Soda, no matter what, she wanted me back."

"Would you ever take her back?"

Steve shook his head, "No. Like I told her that night, how could I be with her knowing she wants someone else instead?"

"So why would Tim think using her would work?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her a little. Or at least missed the good times we did have," Steve ran a hand through his hair, "He just wanted to get my attention."

* * *

"Well, I did what you asked. I don't know if he's coming though," Gracie said as she lit a cigarette.

"I think he will eventually," Tim said, "He wouldn't listen to me if I tried talking to him, so I had to send someone he'd listen to."

"Yeah, well, he almost didn't listen to me. He was ready to just kick me out," Gracie rolled her eyes.

"He'll be here," Tim said, "I know he will."


	25. Chapter 25

"He told you?" Steve asked his best friend, "He just came out and told you? No holding back?"

"Yeah," Soda shrugged, "It was actually nice not to have to fight it out of him. I didn't like hearing about it of course, but we just listened and said what we had to." Steve shuffled in his seat at the kitchen table. "What is it? That's not a bad thing that he told us."

"No, it's good he told you. But someone doesn't just normally come out and admit something like that. My therapist told me once that a few years ago when I would just spit out things I did or wanted to do, she was more concerned about that than today when I can be a little hesitant to tell her things."

"Why?" Soda asked with furrowed eyebrows.

"I guess when you easily talk about things without feeling remorse or embarrassed or anything, it's a worry of where your mind is at," Steve explained while shuffling the deck of cards, "Pony may have told you guys like it was no big deal, because in his mind it wasn't a big deal. If he doesn't think it's a big deal, he could just easily do it more not thinking anything bad of it."

Soda let out a breath, "Steve, I will admit I feel like he's going downhill a little bit. His nightmares aren't getting better, and now he's wanting to cut after the nightmares happen. What am I suppose to do? Stay up all night to watch what happens after he has a nightmare?"

"Maybe you should try talking to him again. Talk to him about what he thinks about the cutting and talk to him about how dangerous it really is."

"I don't know. You know about that stuff personally. You should probably talk to him," Soda said staring blankly at the cards he held.

"Don't worry buddy, we'll figure it out. You helped me figure it out back then, remember?"

Soda grinned, "I know. You would think I wouldn't feel so lost about it then, but I do."

"Because it's Ponyboy," Steve shrugged, "It's a different thing."

Steve was hoping Soda would bring up Gracie visiting him earlier that day, but he didn't. He didn't want to think anything of it, assuming Soda was just more worried about Pony to care to talk about her. Steve didn't care to bring up her visit to his house either. It was becoming too difficult to let go and forget about Tim Sheppard though.

* * *

It was nearing one o'clock in the morning when Steve got up from the kitchen table. "I am exhausted," Steve stretched his arms upward, "That was a lot of fun though."

"You going to crash here tonight?" Soda asked.

"Naw, I'll head home to my own bed. I'll need the deep sleep."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow at work. Are you going to pick me up?"

"Yeah I can. I'll see you in the morning." Soda followed Steve to the door and watched him drive off. Steve wasn't going home though. He ended up passing his house. He continued down the street and taking turns. There was no end in sight to him turning around and going home. The curiosity had a deep grasp on him, and he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep without acknowledging it.

Pulling up to a house, Steve stepped out of his car. He lit a cigarette and took a deep inhale as he walked up the driveway to the front door. Standing there, he took a couple more deep puffs of his smoke before finally knocking.

"Wow look who is here," Tim said as he opened the door.

"Well it doesn't look like you're going to leave me alone," Steve simply said. He still held the burning cigarette between his fingers.

"Smart guy," Tim walked outside, closing the door behind him. He put an arm around Steve's shoulders and walked with him down the driveway. "Well since you're here, we might as well go take care of this guy."

Steve felt his heart drop. Suddenly the curiosity and need for action didn't seem so important. Now he wanted to jump in his car and go straight home. "Tim, I just don't know if I can."

"Why did you come over here then?"

"To talk," Steve shrugged.

"I call bullshit. Steve Randle doesn't just come to talk." Steve sighed, looking up at the dark sky. "Who is going to know you did this? As of right now, this minute, who is going to know you aren't at home sleeping?"

"Well, no one," Steve admitted.

"Then let's go."

* * *

As Soda got upstairs, he opened Darry's bedroom door and peeked inside. Darry's light was on, but he had fallen asleep with a book in his lap. Soda walked in, grabbed the covers and tossed them over his older brother. He glanced over at the dresser drawers, walked over, and opened the top one. Pushing aside some socks and belts, Soda found Pony's blade tucked away. After he had time to think about everything, Darry had asked Pony for his blade to hold onto. It didn't make Soda feel any better though. He knew how desperate someone could get over this type of stuff. He knew how desperate Steve had gotten at times. It was a scary thing to witness.

* * *

_"Hey Soda, I need your help," Steve said. He quickly turned and closed Soda's bedroom door so his parents wouldn't hear them._

_"What's going on?" Soda asked, "Did your dad do something? Do you need to stay here tonight?"_

_"No, no," Steve crossed his arms, rubbing up and down. He appeared anxious. _

_"Steve, what's wrong? Tell me," Soda said in a shaky voice._

_"I-I need it back."_

_"What?" Soda asked._

_"My blade," Steve said in a low voice, "You have to give it to me."_

_Soda's mouth opened, closed, and opened again. He made Steve give him the blade. He had caught Steve one too many times cutting, and he took the drastic measure of taking it away for good. He didn't realize how this was going to make Steve act. It was almost terrifying. His best friend was only fourteen years old, but was acting like a twenty-year old drug addict going through withdrawals._

_"Steve," Soda began, forcing the tears to stay away, "I can't."_

_"Soda, please," Steve begged, "I need it. My mom, she's in my head...she won't go away! I hear her talking, but I see her dead! I'm not even sleeping, and I'm seeing her!"_

_"Steve, just take a deep breath man," Soda raised a hand to comfort Steve, but he smacked it away._

_"I need to get away from it," Steve got down to his knees and looked up at Soda, "Man please. I can't do this. I-I need to escape. Please Soda, please!"_

_Soda wanted to make Steve happy so bad. He knew if he handed over the blade, Steve would give a smile and be forever grateful. But Soda couldn't enable him like that. "I'm sorry Steve," Soda looked over, avoiding eye contact, "I promised you."_

* * *

Soda quickly closed the drawer again. He felt tears sting his eyes. He could barely stand seeing Steve like that. It was a haunting experience for a young teenage boy. He knew deep down taking Pony's blade wasn't going to simply solve everything, but he had to give Darry credit for at least doing that. Walking over to the small table next to the bed, Soda switched the light off, making the room dark. He exited the room, closing the door to just a crack. Between Darry's room and his room with Pony, Soda sunk to the floor and leaned against the wall. His mind flooded as more memories peeked _through._

* * *

_Steve had no other words. Soda wasn't giving in. He got up, tears streaming down his face, and stormed out. He ran all the way back home. Soda collapsed onto his bed, letting his own tears fall. He knew his best friend was mad at him. All he wanted was help, but Soda couldn't give in. He couldn't let Steve hurt himself again._

_As he returned to his home, Steve paced the living room desperately. "I can't do this," he cried to himself, "I can't fucking do this! I can't deal with this for the rest of my life!"_

_Steve began to hurry for his backdoor. He had his pack of cigarettes in hand, ready to smoke for the sixth time already. It wasn't helping though. It was only making him more anxious. "Why did you have to be so stupid and let Soda catch you? Why?" Steve scolded himself._

_As he walked through the kitchen, he froze. Something caught his eye. Glancing over, a cigarette dangling from his lips waiting to be lit, he noticed the sharp knives sitting on his kitchen counter._

* * *

Soda only imagined what lead to what Steve did that day. He didn't give him his blade back, so he found an alternative. It was breaking Soda's heart to relive it all over again. What about his little brother? What about Ponyboy? How was he going to handle not having his blade ready and available for his next moment of weakness? The only thing that was giving Soda hope was Pony only doing it once.

"He can't be addicted after only one time?" Soda said to himself, "He can't be like Steve after only one time? There's no way. He can't go down that same road. He just can't. I won't let him."

* * *

_"Soda, honey?"_

_"What mom?" Soda asked looking up at his bedroom door. He was sitting on his bed trying to do some school work, but his earlier altercation with Steve was distracting him._

_"I have to talk to you about something," Mrs. Curtis said. She sat on the bed. Soda saw her eyes glistening with tears. His heart sank._

_"Mom, what's wrong?" Soda asked._

_"It's Steve," Mrs. Curtis took a deep breath as she attempted to keep herself contained, "He's at the hospital."_


	26. Chapter 26

Steve couldn't believe what he was doing. He didn't think it could happen, but Tim convinced him everything would be just fine. So there Steve sat, in the passenger seat of Tim Sheppard's car with 3 other gang members of his in the back. They were on their way to Yale, except this time Steve planned to be successful with their plan and to be done with it. He'd have nothing to do with this again and could just move on with his life. More importantly, it'd be a secret he'd keep to himself. Always.

"If anyone catches you with this car Tim, I will deny any part of it," Steve firmly said, "I cannot fuck up with Soda or Darry or Ponyboy."

"I told you no one will know. I'm not going to be driving it around. I got other plans with it," Tim said pulling his car up to the side of the road, "Alright let's walk the rest." As the five guys stepped out of the car, Tim pulled Steve alongside him. "You can be quick about it, like you said last time, right?"

"Yes."

"Good. Let's just get it out of here." Steve didn't respond as Tim continued. "So did you miss her?"

"What?" Steve asked confused.

"Gracie," Tim said, "Have you missed her?"

Steve rolled his eyes, "I don't know."

"She has certainly missed you. Can't stop talking about you."

"Yeah, well, she probably misses Soda too."

"I don't know, she hasn't said anything about him." Steve didn't respond to that. He was feeling too anxious about the mess he was in right now. "If you haven't missed her, then why are you here?"

Steve shook his head, "To get you off my back."

"I think you thought she'd be here. She comes to see you and then you're back here. That's all it took for me. She could be around when we're done."

"Can we just focus on the car please?" Steve said through gritted teeth.

* * *

Soda ended up out on the back porch with a lit cigarette. All the memories of Steve and thoughts of his little brother were driving him into a near panic attack. He knew he couldn't just sit there and wonder where Ponyboy could end up, or relive the past with Steve. The best he could do was keep pushing Pony to talk about things and his feelings. He'd have to be on top of everything, more than he was with Steve.

* * *

Tim, his gang members, and Steve sat behind some bushes across the street from the car. They waited to make sure it was quiet for the night. Some of the people at Yale would have late night deals going on, so they had to make sure those were departed for at least some time.

"Tim, what is your beef with this guy anyway?" Steve asked, "You obviously have something going on to be risking jail time."

"Well," Tim lit up a cigarette and took a deep inhale, "It started awhile back. They came over to the Dingo one night and started messing with Angela. Usually she can hold her own, but apparently they were hammered off their asses and got too hands-on with her. They followed her down the street and tried getting it on with her. She fought back some, and they ended up tearing her clothes some and just making her look like a fool. It took us a couple weeks, but we ended up finding someone who was a brother to one of the guys, so we sent a little message by jumping him. Then they started saying Angela made it up, she tore her own clothes and was starting bullshit drama."

"And now you guys have been going back and forth ever since," Steve commented.

"And we have every right to. I would never jump a Soc girl, or any girl for that matter. Touching a girl is wrong. They took it way too far and I don't care how long it takes until I feel they've learned a lesson."

Steve shrugged it off. He wasn't sure who to believe in the situation. As a greaser, he should, and obviously would, be siding with Sheppard no matter what. If Steve were to be honest though, he knew there was a chance Angela was lying just for attention. It seemed like a crazy lie to be telling, but Angela would be the one to do it. She'd come up with ways to get the attention and pity on her. If something really did happen, unfortunately she'll only have Tim Sheppard's gang on her side when everyone else will just wonder what's true.

* * *

Soda had gone through two cigarettes before he finally felt some relaxation. He was finally having some idea that everything will eventually be alright. Ponyboy just needed time. He needed the time to get through his thoughts and feelings. Soda looked up towards the sky. It was cloudless. The moon was full and shining bright. It was calming, and full of hope.

* * *

"Are you ready?" Steve asked tossing his cigarette into the street.

"Yep," Tim got himself up, took one last good look around, "Go for it."

Steve got up and hurried over to the car and got to work. He kept his eyes on the car, trusting Tim to keep his eyes everywhere else. He was trying his hardest to push Soda and Pony out of his head. He didn't have time to worry. It was too late to change his mind. There couldn't be any distractions.

The driver's door was open and Steve motioned Tim over.

"Can you start it?" Tim asked as he got down next to Steve.

"Well it'd be a waste of time for me to be here if I couldn't," Steve smirked.

"Just hurry up and...shit. Shit!"

Steve did a double take as he looked up. There were some shadow figures rushing over towards them.

"Damnit," Steve jumped up and got in defense mode.

* * *

Eventually, Soda walked back inside the house. He saw Pony had come downstairs and sat on the couch in front of the TV. "Hey Pony," Soda took a seat next to him, "Can't sleep?"

"I don't know," Pony responded.

"What do you mean? What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure. Something just doesn't feel right."

"About what?"

Pony thought for a minute, "That's just it. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong, but I don't know what."

"Is it Steve?" Soda asked curiously.

"Maybe. Are you sure he made it home?"

"I guess you're worried if he could get jumped again," Soda said.

"Yeah, maybe that's it," Pony agreed.

"I'm not very tired if you want to go for a walk," Soda suggested, "I take it you won't get back to sleep very well either. We can walk by his house and check."

"Sure. You're probably right anyway, I won't get back to sleep."

* * *

"We'll fight them off. Just get it started now!" Tim barked. Steve quickly hopped into the driver's seat and moved quickly to get the car started. He heard Tim and his gang fly fists. He heard yelling, he felt someone get shoved against the back of the car. Steve didn't know how many people were there, and he wasn't going to waste a second to find out.

Out of nowhere, Steve felt his shirt get tugged at. He grabbed the steering wheel tight as someone tried to pull him out of the car. It was no use though, Steve felt his grip loosen, and got yanked out of the car and tossed to the street. Multiple feet came at him as he got kicked in the gut and the back of the head. Only a few kicks were able to pass through though as the guys got pulled away from him. Before Steve could open his eyes to look, he felt himself get yanked to his feet.

"Hurry up!" Tim yelled getting Steve back in the car. He shut the driver door, leaving Steve alone to work. Steve felt his head throb from the blows.

"Ah fuck," Steve panted as he held his head. He looked down at the work he had started. His vision was coming in and out of fuzzy blurs. Squeezing his eyes tight, Steve took a deep breath and reopened them. His vision was a little clearer as he moved a couple wires, hearing the motor start.

* * *

"He's not here," Pony said. He looked up at Soda, who was just staring at the empty driveway. His older brother had a disbelieving look on his face, and it scared Pony. "Soda?"

Soda let out an irritating sigh, "I know where I can look for him." Pony looked down to the ground, disappointment filling him. "Go home Ponyboy."

"But Soda..."

"Pony, I said go home and don't try to argue. I'm just going to look for a bit, and then I'll be back."

"I don't want you to go to Yale."

"I'm not. I'm going to Sheppard's. Now go home Ponyboy."

"Fine," Pony agreed, turning back towards home.

* * *

"He's got it! Go! Tim yelled at his gang. They began running down the road to get back to Tim's car. Tim found the opportunity to open the car door, pull Steve out and shove him in the backseat. Putting the car in gear, Tim Sheppard sped off with an injured Steve in the backseat.

* * *

Soda felt the anger rise in him. He didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it just seemed a likely possibility Steve went back to Yale with Tim.

Arriving at the Sheppard household, Soda knocked on the door, hard. He saw Steve's car in the street, but didn't see Tim's car. It looked like Soda's suspicion was about to be proven correct.

"Oh hi Soda."

Soda turned back towards the door, expecting to be greeting Angela, "Hey...oh...hi Gracie. What are you doing here?"

"Just hanging out with Angela," Gracie smiled, "I didn't think I'd see you here. What are you doing out so late?"

"I'm looking for Steve," Soda simply said.

"They should be back very soon. Want to come in?"

"Did he go to Yale?" Soda demanded.

"Just come inside," Gracie smiled, "He can tell you when he gets back."

Soda let out a groan. He didn't want to, but he didn't seem to have a choice. If he wanted to make sure Steve was okay, and possibly yell at him, he'd have to wait.

* * *

"Good work kid," Tim said as he pulled up towards his house.

"We are done now," Steve said firmly, laying across the back seat.

"I know. Are you feeling okay?" Tim asked as he pulled the wires apart to shut the engine off.

"I'll be fine," Steve slowly sat up, feeling a painful stab shoot across his head. The door opened and Tim held out a hand to help Steve out.

"Just take it easy," Tim got Steve to his feet and they slowly started up the yard towards the front door.

"I wasn't here tonight," Steve said, bringing his hand up to hold his head.

"I know man. Just relax. Let's get you cleaned up and looking good for tomorrow."

Tim readjusted the weight as Steve leaned onto him more and more. He reached for the doorknob and opened the door.


	27. Chapter 27

As Steve entered Tim's home, his view made his blood boil instantly. The pain he had from the beating went away as he felt the fire in his eyes. He tried to ignore the fact that Gracie had visited Soda at the DX, and he tried to ignore the fact that Soda didn't tell him about it, but now it was hard to ignore the picture in front of him. He had no idea Soda had shown up at Tim's house. There he was though, sitting on the couch next to Gracie. They were having a conversation, but Gracie was getting pretty close to Soda. Or maybe it was the other way around and Soda was getting closer to Gracie. Steve wasn't sure, and he surely didn't care. All he thought about was why Soda went over to Tim's, and it appeared to be because Gracie was there.

"What is going on here?" Steve asked as he shook himself out of Tim's arms. He began taking a few steps forward, an extra boost of adrenaline making him forget about the beating he had just endured.

Soda stood up from the couch and walked towards Steve, "I should be asking the same thing."

"You came here to spend time with Gracie? Are you serious?"

"No I didn't. I came looking for you."

"How did you now I'd be here?" Steve asked taking a glance at Gracie. She just looked off in the distance, avoiding eye contact. Steve didn't think Gracie reappearing would bring old feelings back, but she was and those feelings were coming back pretty easily. Unfortunately, it was the old feelings of Gracie wanting Soda over him. Except this time it didn't seem Soda was denying Gracie.

"I didn't see your car at your place, so this seemed like the next place you'd be so late at night. I had a feeling you'd come back and do something stupid," Soda answered.

"We just went out into town," Steve argued.

"Don't lie to me," Soda pointed a finger at Steve, "You're beaten up. You went to Yale and I know it." Soda brushed past Steve in a huff and opened the front door. "See? That's a pretty nice car Tim suddenly has here."

Steve marched past Soda and went outside in frustration, "You don't know what you're talking about Soda."

"God damnit Steve!" Soda followed Steve outside, "You could have been killed! You could go to jail. You just don't listen. You don't care about anyone else, but your damn self!"

"Back off Soda," Steve turned and faced his best friend, "Like you're some fucking saint? You come to look for me, but you find Gracie so you stop looking and spend time with her instead. You didn't worry that much about me if you stayed here with her."

"That's not what happened at all!" Soda yelled, "Don't try to turn this around like I did something wrong! You did something wrong. You broke a promise to me and to Pony and to Darry. This is going to hurt Ponyboy, again! He's going to be upset. He's going to be mad at you. Don't you care what you're going to do to him?" Steve didn't answer. The whole night he had been trying his hardest to not think about Pony. He had the plan to get this done and over with and move on with his life. Soda never had to know. Ponyboy never had to know. The entire situation would have been forgotten.

"He doesn't have to know about tonight if you keep your trap shut," Steve said with a low voice.

Soda shook his head, "I have to tell him. He already saw your car wasn't home, because he needed to see you. He is already suspecting this shit. I can't lie to him Steve. I'm telling him."

"Yeah, because you want him to hate me. You could lie if you wanted to. But you don't want to waste this opportunity. You are looking forward to telling him, because you just want us to go back the way we were, huh? You want us to go back to ignoring each other. You want me and him to go back to just tolerating each other. You hate the relationship I have with your brother. You can't stand that he grabs to me for help now," Steve said.

"Steve, don't say anything you'll regret," Soda warned.

"You were just waiting for me to mess up. Now you can't wait to go tell him, so he'll depend on you again," Steve snarled, "You couldn't handle him getting further and further away from you!"

"Shut up! Whatever happens between you and him, you did it to yourself."

"You set me up!"

"You made this choice!" Soda snapped. Steve turned away in a huff, taking steps away. "Don't turn away Steve, you still have to deal with me too. I think you owe me an apology for going to Yale tonight!"

"Fuck off Soda."

Soda felt his patience end, "You know what? I was wrong. It's not Pony you have to worry about so much." Soda began walking, following Steve. "You hurt me by letting Pony get stabbed, you got Pony hurt when he got stabbed, you hurt Darry by breaking his trust, you hurt me a second time by going back to Yale, and you're about to hurt Pony again for going back to Yale. I have a lot of anger built up in me because of you!" Soda quickened his pace, passing Steve and turning around to face him. "So it's me you have to worry about now!" With that, Soda brought his fist back and threw it forward to Steve's face. Steve stumbled a couple steps back, shocked at what Soda just did.

A sly smile crossed Steve's lips, ready to accept whatever Soda was going to throw at him, "You've wanted to do that for awhile."

"You have no idea," Soda muttered.

"Yeah well I got plenty to get out too," Steve walked up and shoved Soda, "Like you giving me shit about my relationship with Ponyboy. It's all just some pity jealousy." Steve gave Soda a second shove. He was ready to let out some tension.

"No it wasn't," Soda shoved Steve in return, "I was worried about him, because I know you even better than you do. I was worried you'd hurt him again."

Steve was done using words with Soda. He took a fist and connected with Soda's cheek. "You'd do anything to make me look bad to him."

Soda went for Steve again, but Steve grabbed his fists and pushed back, causing Soda to fall to the ground. Jumping down, Steve tackled Soda and punched him on the other cheek. Soda reached up and grabbed Steve's hair, giving it a tug. Next thing they knew, they were wrestling all around in the grass and driveway. They tossed each other around, shoved each other, fighting for the upper hand. Before it got too ugly, someone pulled Steve off of Soda and shoved him to the side. It was Tim. He stood in between the two as Soda got up from the ground.

"Okay you two that's enough," Tim said with his hands out towards them, "You got your hits out, now be done with it."

"I should be just as pissed off at you!" Soda yelled, "How could you get Steve involved in something so stupid!"

"Oh lay off Soda. It's done and over with. Now both of you go on home. I don't need the fuzz called over a fight. I got work to do, now go on! Go!" Tim barked.

Steve walked past the two and got in his car. Soda watched as he started the engine and drove off without a word. He took one last look at Tim Sheppard with disgust, and began walking home.

* * *

Soda needed the walk home. He needed to blow off steam. There wasn't remorse though. Soda felt that Steve needed a harsh hit or two to realize how stupid and selfish he was being. He knew Steve wouldn't realize it right away, he'd be angry for the next few days, but Soda was the only one who would let Steve know the truth even if it was the hard way. Unfortunately, Gracie being at Tim's didn't help either. It looked back to Steve, but nothing was going on. Soda didn't care for anything to go on. He didn't care for Gracie to be involved.

Soda walked into his house, not at all surprised Ponyboy was up and waiting for him. Before Pony could ask anything, his mouth dropped open at Soda's discolored face.

"Things didn't go well," Soda simply said. Pony followed Soda as he walked into the kitchen and began washing his face in the sink.

"What happened? Who did that?" Pony asked.

"Me and Steve got into it," Soda said as he turned the sink off. Grabbing a towel, he gently pressed against his face to dry it. He felt the sensitivity from the hits. "Does it look bad enough for Darry to ask?"

"Well yeah of course," Pony responded, "He got you good. Why did this happen? He didn't..." Soda looked at Pony as he asked his question, concern growing on his little brother's face. "He didn't go to Yale...did he?"

* * *

Steve parked in his driveway. He sloppily walked inside his house and went straight to his bedroom. He thought he'd be physically exhausted enough to go straight to sleep, but he was still pissed. The idea of Soda going home and telling Pony everything was making Steve's blood boil. He knew Pony would be hurt. He knew Pony would be mad. Steve wasn't sure if he'd even get a chance to explain his side to Ponyboy. If Soda had his way, Steve was out of Pony's mind and wouldn't need him anymore. The idea of all that gave Steve the need to do something, do anything. He couldn't just sit there and drown in his thoughts. Steve pulled out his blade, brought his arm back, and threw it towards his bedroom door.

* * *

"Yes Pony, he did go to Yale again," Soda quietly said.

Pony's mouth hung open as he turned away, "I didn't think he'd actually do it. When we didn't see him at home, I didn't think that's where he actually went. I just didn't want to believe it."

"I know buddy," Soda pulled Pony into a hug, "I'm not happy with him right now. Not at all. He's getting himself in some serious trouble."

Ponyboy didn't want to hear anymore. He was feeling too many emotions. He felt mad at Steve for going to Yale. He felt mad at Soda for getting in a fight with Steve. He felt mad at everyone.

Pony hurried out of the kitchen, through the living room, and out the front door. He didn't run far, he just needed to get out of view of the house. Quickly, Pony turned his head back and forth to make sure no one was near. He simply sat down on the side of the street, and flipped out his blade.

* * *

Staring at the knife that stuck to his door, Steve felt his heart begin to race. _I need my mind to stop._ He took steps closer to the door until he was just inches from the blade, the handle pointing right between his eyes. _I can't keep thinking about this._ Slowly, his hand lifted up and gripped the handle. _I need it to stop._ He gave it a tight squeeze, and pulled it out of the door. _I need it all to stop._ Steve just stared at it with a cold, hard stare. _Stop. _

"Fuck this," Steve muttered, bringing the blade over to his bed.

* * *

Exposing his arm, Pony pressed the blade against his skin. He had no patience or fear anymore. He pushed down as hard as he could. "Ahhh," Pony groaned as the sharp edge penetrated the skin, "Shit! Damn." Pony continued to heavily breathe as he dragged the blade across his arm. When it got to be too much, he released the blade and looked down at his arm. He watched as the blood escaped the wound and ran down his skin.

"Shit," Pony whispered. He winced at the pain, but felt an extreme satisfaction from the feeling and the view.

* * *

Sitting on his bed, Steve shoved his blade into his arm. Quick as lightning, Steve dragged it across his arm and removed the blade. "Fuck!" Steve yelled, but then he froze, "Wait...what did I..." He looked between his bleeding arm and the blade.

"God damnit!" Steve yelled, throwing the blade as hard as he could, letting it slam against the wall and falling to the floor. Standing up, Steve gripped his hair in frustration. He began pacing the floor, feeling a warm liquid run down his arm and drip onto his face. "No!" Bringing his arm down to his view, he stared at the fresh cut. He didn't believe he had actually done it, but there was the evidence. "No! Shit!"


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: Okay readers, I would just like to take a quick moment and thank you all for your support during the journey of this story! I've had many plans for this story, but have also ran into many blocks of not knowing where any of it was going. I've thoroughly enjoyed writing this story and the challenges it has given me! That previous chapter was a tough one to write, it was definitely a big bump in the character's journeys and I went through a lot of emotions writing it. I can't wait to see where else this goes, thank you all for being amazing with this story and any of my other stories any of you read as well!

* * *

Ponyboy stood up, closed his blade, and slid it into his back pocket. There wasn't a feeling of shock or panic. In fact, it helped put away the anger he was feeling towards Steve and his actions that night. It made him feel a little more forgiving about the situation. He didn't know how Soda would feel about that, but Pony wasn't going to jump to talk to him about it. Clearly Soda wasn't going to be happy for awhile based off the bruises from their fight. Ponyboy wasn't as worried if Steve didn't come over though. Not this time. For the first time in a long time, he felt in control of his own mind and feelings. He felt he found a way to ease any more worries, anxieties, or fear.

* * *

The same could not be said at the Randle household. Steve had completely undressed from his clothes stained with mud and blood. He was sitting in the tub, letting the shower run over him, as he drastically tried to wash his arm. He was desperate to get the bleeding to stop.

"Oh please God, damnit!" he cursed out as he continued seeing blood tint into the water stream as it rushed down the drain. Steve knew he hadn't cut too deep. At least he was sure he hadn't. Maybe it depended on which part of the arm? Some of the blood had to also be from getting hit in the head from Yale, or the fight with Soda. Steve truly had no idea, and it was causing him to panic. He was trying to find reasons and excuses for the blood and the way his arm felt, but it wasn't bringing him any ease.

* * *

Pony suddenly heard something coming near him. He got ready, half expecting it to be Socs ready to jump him. It was very late at night after all. He saw a figure slowly approaching. As it got closer, Pony began recognizing the body.

"Johnny?"

The figure looked up at the voice and responded, "Ponyboy? Is that you?"

"Yeah," Ponyboy pulled down his sweater sleeve. He didn't care if the blood stained. It was too dark out for Johnny to see it anyway. "Are your parents up this late arguing?"

"Not exactly. They were asleep, then my mom got up and saw me in my room and asked me why I was home, so I just willingly left," Johnny explained.

"I'm sorry Johnnycake."

"Don't worry about it man, I made my move before anything could happen. What are you doing out here?"

"Nothing," Ponyboy lied, "I just went for a walk."

As the boys began to walk, Johnny could sense something more was going on among Pony's silence, "Did something happen at home?"

"Not exactly. Steve went back to Yale."

Johnny's head shot up and looked at Pony's figure in the darkness, "What?"

"Yeah he did," Pony shook his head, trying to keep his anger down, "He fucking did." Pony didn't want to get too worked up. He wouldn't know how to handle that right now after just cutting his arm.

"So what happened? Is he okay?"

"Yeah I guess so. Soda came back and was bruised up though. They got in a fight."

"I can't say I blame him," Johnny admitted.

The boys walked up to the front door of the Curtis house. "Me either," Pony said grabbing the doorknob. They walked inside the house, finding Soda on the couch watching TV, a beer sitting on the coffee table. "Need to drink the pain away huh?" Pony asked.

"No kidding," Soda looked over, "Hey Johnny."

"Hey Soda. Ponyboy told me about Steve."

Soda sighed, "Yeah. It wasn't a happy ending as you can tell."

"What are you going to do?" Johnny asked.

Soda shrugged, "I don't know. I really don't know."

As Soda and Johnny's conversation went on, Pony got alerted by the sudden liquid slowly going down his arm. He quickly brought his arm out of sight before anyone noticed. He had no idea how his sleeve looked, and he wasn't about to check. "I'll be right back," Pony said rushing up the stairs.

Johnny looked at Soda, "Pony must not be taking it too well since he had to go on a walk."

"No," Soda shook his head, "That's why I was even more mad. I knew it was going to hurt my little brother. My best friend hurt my little brother again."

* * *

Upstairs, Pony took the sweater off and groaned. There was quite a bit of a stain. Too much for Darry to just simply ignore. Pony crouched down, opened his bottom dresser drawer and shoved the sweater under some shorts. He'd have to try and remember to just take care of it later. Opening his bedroom door, Pony checked for anyone, and hurried down the hall into the bathroom. He turned the sink on and began washing off his arm. Watching some of the fresh blood wash down the drain was bringing another form of satisfaction to the young greaser.

* * *

"Please God no," Steve begged through stinging tears, "I didn't mean it. I didn't...just make it stop please!" Steve could feel his heart ready to beat out of his chest. He could feel his throat closing shut. His lungs burned. The shower seemed to be getting smaller. The walls were coming together. The world was just caving in on him.

"Please, please, please," Steve continued to beg, his cries becoming more of a whisper. He closed his eyes tight, trying to breathe slowly. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the blood running through the water had become less and less. He could feel the weight coming off his back. "Oh thank you God." Steve shut off the shower and stepped out. He weakly wrapped a towel around his waist. He looked into the mirror. He saw a bruise from his fight with Soda, he could feel the throb from the blow into the back of his head, and the fresh cut on his arm. That was enough for the night. He could feel his body finally caving in. As soon as he got into his bedroom, he got a fresh pair of boxers on, and crashed onto his bed.

* * *

Ponyboy was able to get his arm cleaned up and in a fresh t-shirt. He went back downstairs to Soda and Johnny.

"Hey, you doing okay Pony?" Soda asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"I just know what happened with Steve...it's a lot and it's not fair to you."

Pony shook his head, "No, it's not. Not to you either. I'm okay though. I'm just really tired."

"I am too. I think it's time to try and sleep after this mess."

"Night Johnnycake," Pony said as the brothers headed upstairs.

"I should be asking if you're okay too."

"Huh?" Soda asked.

"Well you got in a fight with Steve. That's unheard of for you guys. That's going to get around town and everyone's going to find out why, and it ain't going to be a secret that he and Tim stole a car," Pony said, "Steve could get in some serious trouble."

"I know," Soda sighed, "I just can't think that far ahead right now."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stress you out."

"It's okay Ponyboy. It ain't your fault."

"Soda, I don't know if I want to talk to him tomorrow," Pony looked down to the floor. He was still feeling numb to the situation, more upset than mad. "He might try to talk to me, and I don't know if I want to talk to him."

"You don't have to," Soda said. He felt down that Pony had to be in the position he was in. He would have felt better if it was an argument just between him and Steve. Having Pony involved was making it harder for Soda. "I'm feeling the same way. I don't know if I will be able to. But we got in a fight, so he may not even try to talk to me. I'm not going to tell you how to handle it though. Just see how you feel in the morning."

A realization came over Pony in that moment, "Soda, Darry doesn't even know what happened tonight. It's so late right now."

Soda slowly shook his head, "Yeah, he has no idea. Golly, he's going to know something was up though when we sleep until the afternoon."

Ponyboy crashed onto the bed and pulled the covers over himself, "Well, better get started on that right now."

* * *

Soda lazily walked into the kitchen the next morning.

"What the hell happened to you?"

He expected to hear that, knowing his older brother was already making coffee and breakfast. There was no point in twisting the story. Soda was still feeling mad at Steve, so he was willing to tell the whole truth.

"Me and Steve got into a fight late last night."

"What happened?" Darry asked, as he neglected the eggs cooking right behind him on the stove.

Soda sighed, "He went back to Yale."

"What!" Darry barked. He held himself back from yelling anything else, remembering Johnny was just asleep on the couch.

Soda slowly nodded, "Yep. Him and Tim successfully stole the car." Soda wasn't usually a coffee drinker, but he was going to need it. He poured himself a cup, added sugar, and turned to face Darry, watching his expression change into a shock mixed with anger.

"They didn't," was all Darry could manage to say.

"Yeah they did," Soda shrugged.

"Are you hurting?"

Soda shook his head, "Not too badly. I've had worst hits to the face."

"Does Ponyboy know?"

"Oh yeah. The only reason I found out is because Pony was having a bad feeling about something so I went to check it out."

Darry rolled his eyes, "I swear that kid has physic powers sometimes."

"Well it's good, because otherwise I probably would have never known."

"Until he gets arrested."

"Yeah, I don't now what's going to happen to him. They may call the cops, but they may not because they are also a druggie group and don't want to get the fuzz involved in their business. They probably got the car because of drug deals."

"How's Ponyboy with all of this?" Darry asked.

"Darry, the eggs are waiting," Soda smirked.

"Oh yeah," Darry quickly turned to flip the eggs over, "But how is Ponyboy?"

"I don't know. He went for a walk after I got home, but when he got back with Johnny he seemed okay. He didn't seem to be going over the edge."

"Well, did you make sure he didn't try to do anything?"

Soda felt his heart skip a beat, "Shit, I didn't even think of that. I'm sorry Darry, I was so worked up over Steve and everything. Pony goes on walks all the time, so it didn't seem out of the ordinary."

"Don't worry about it little buddy. I probably would've thought the same thing. I'll talk to him about it later."

"Darry, you aren't going to strip search him are you?"

"No of course not. I'll ask how he's feeling about Steve, and see if he says anything. He seemed pretty willing to tell us how he's thought about doing it."

Soda went back to Steve's warning about Ponyboy being so willing to talk about it, how it could mean Pony isn't concerned or doesn't care much about the effects of cutting as an escape. "Alright. I don't know what to do though Darry. I thought I'd wake up knowing how I feel, but I don't. Do I go talk to Steve?"

"Honestly Soda, I wouldn't care for him to be over here right now. I'd be knocking his lights out for doing something so damn stupid again."

"I just got so mad at him for hurting Ponyboy again. He says he wants to be there for him, and not see him go down the same road, but that's exactly what he's going to do to Ponyboy is put him down that same road."

* * *

Steve woke up that morning in a daze. His head had a dull ache, his body was sore, his face hurt, and his arm had a sting to it. That sting. In a flash, Steve was awake and sitting up on his bed. There it was. A fresh open wound going down his arm. "Oh my God," Steve said quietly, realizing he had actually done that. He hadn't done that in a long time, and it was waving him with uneasy emotions. He felt scared he could do it again, he felt mad that he resorted to it, he felt wanting of it even more to stop what he was going through, to stop the feelings that were coming over him in that instant.

"No," Steve slammed his hand over the cut, causing a slight sting, "Shit."

Soda may have been pissed at him, but Steve could only hope that his desperate plea would put those emotions aside.

He got to his phone and dialed the Curtis number. Knowing one of three brothers could answer, Steve wasn't sure who he wanted to pick up the phone. Darry would be the most dangerous for Steve, depending on how much he knew of the previous night.

"Hello?"

"Soda?" Steve asked, feeling a little relieved he answered.

"What do you want?" Soda asked sourly.

"Soda please don't hang up," Steve begged as he spoke quickly, "I...I...I fell back..."


	29. Chapter 29

Soda knew what Steve's words meant. In that moment, he hated it.

"Fine," Soda simply said as he hung up the phone. He just looked at his hand on the receiver. "Damnit! I don't even get twenty-four hours to be mad." Darry was confused, and just watched as Soda grabbed his shoes and walked out the door.

"Yeah, good talk," Darry shook his head, "With yourself."

* * *

Soda was mad at Steve, but he couldn't leave him alone at a time like this. He knew how dangerous that was. In this moment, he had to put aside the reason he was angry and be his best friend. He arrived at Steve's house and walked inside, going straight up to his bedroom.

"What the hell is going on?" Soda asked, closing the door behind him.

Steve looked up at Soda with fearful eyes. He slowly raised his arm for Soda to see the fresh wound. "I...I didn't mean...I didn't mean it Soda," Steve winced.

Soda grabbed Steve's arm and looked down at it. "Why?" He didn't mean to have such an annoyed, short-fused tone to his question.

Steve just shook his head, "I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't," Soda said toning down his words.

"I can't believe I did this again. I panicked so much, I just passed out to go to sleep. I woke up and...I didn't think it happened."

"I know."

"I'm sorry Soda. For everything," Steve closed his eyes tight, "I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have done any of this. I've really fucked up. I've messed up a lot."

"Yes you have," Soda sighed, "Do you realize how much you've messed up to go back to this shit again?"

"Soda, please...please don't be mad at me. I can't take that right now," Steve begged.

Soda took a deep breath. He had to revisit years ago when this was happening the first time. Him being mad only lead Steve to get upset and continue cutting. Soda couldn't let that happen. "Okay. I'm going to try and forgive you and not stay mad at you, because I know that's what you need right now. I don't want to send you back down the path you were on. You've come way too far."

"Thank you Soda. Really, thank you."

"But you need to slow down and stop this shit you're getting yourself into. I seriously don't want to see you talking to Sheppard or hearing about you going to Yale again."

"I know Soda, I know."

"Because look what it's causing. Look at yourself."

Steve looked to the side, refusing to look at his arm, "I know. I'm sorry Soda. I want to take it all back."

"As for Ponyboy though, I can't say for him if he's mad or as forgiving. You'd need to talk to him yourself."

Steve shook his head, "I...I can't show him this. I can't let him see I've sunk...

"I think you should."

"Soda, it could freak him out."

"Maybe, but I think he needs to see it and understand."

Looking down to the floor, Steve knew Soda may be right. It'd be a very difficult conversation to have with the younger greaser, but maybe it would help Steve confront the problem. "Okay. I'll talk to him about it."

* * *

Back at the Curtis house, Pony took a shower and got dressed for the day. He saw his cut plenty of times, and it barely phased him. He didn't see it worse than any other minor injury he could have. He slid on a long sleeve shirt to avoid any questions, even though he barely cared anyway. Surprisingly, Ponyboy actually felt glad he finally went through the first time of cutting. He felt he could easily do it now to get away from any of life's problems. There could be no more fear or anxiety. Steve may have had one mishap that got him in trouble, but Pony was confident he could keep control of it. If he could handle that first time, he would be fine.

* * *

After Steve got himself cleaned up and dressed, he and Soda stepped outside. Soda could feel his best friend tense up and full of anxiety.

"Steve, I know you're freaking out, but it's okay. You slip up once, and you can move on," Soda said, "You're not doomed to go back to the hospital."

"Thanks Soda," Steve simply said, "I think I just need to get through today."

"So what do you think Tim is doing right now?"

"Not worrying about us," Steve smirked.

"You're probably right about that. We fought right on his front lawn. He wouldn't have cared if we killed each other," Soda shook his head, "I mean, what's he going to do about the car?"

"I have no idea. I don't want to ask. I don't care anymore," Steve shook his head.

"Just be careful, alright? You could get jumped again."

"I know."

"I wouldn't walk alone for awhile if I was you."

"I don't think I'll be going out much for some time," Steve said as he pulled out a cigarette, "Darry's going to bust my head in once I walk inside."

"Maybe," Soda shrugged with a sly smile, "Maybe you deserve it."

* * *

Darry and Pony looked up and were surprised to see Steve walk in with Sodapop.

"What's going on?" Darry asked. Soda knew he was really asking where things stood between the two since he hadn't expected them to be hanging out so quick.

"There's just been a mishap," Soda said putting a little emphasis on his wording, so Darry wouldn't jump to shoving his fist down Steve's throat. Darry stood up and walked into the kitchen, Soda and Steve following him. Steve didn't dare look at Ponyboy. He didn't know if he could take whatever expression was on his face.

"Okay, so?" Darry began.

"Show him," Soda simply said.

Steve looked towards the wall while slowly holding out his arm. Darry brought his hand up to rub his forehead, "Why?"

"I didn't mean it," Steve said as if he was on repeat.

"Boy, I remember hearing that a lot back then," Soda said, "Every time I caught you."

"Soda, please don't," Steve begged.

"Not the time buddy," Darry softly said, "I know you're upset, but not the time."

"I'm sorry," Soda shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Why?" Darry asked again.

Steve lowered his arm as he fought the tears, "I'm...scared."

"Of?" Darry asked.

"I can't be doing this again."

"You won't," Darry said, "You can fight it."

"I've just...messed up so much. I thought I'd feel better just getting it over with last night, and...it sent me to this bullshit again," Steve gritted his teeth, "I..." Before Steve could go on, he grabbed the nearest dish on the counter and threw it against the wall, letting out a loud scream. He turned and threw a fist to the wall, leaving a small crack.

"What's going on?" Pony asked as he rushed into the kitchen.

"Let's go," Soda grabbed his best friend and brought him out the backdoor.

"He's okay," Darry grabbed his youngest brother's shoulders and squeezed, "You can go talk to him in a minute."

Outside, Soda let Steve continue his yells and throwing things. It was best not to get in the way of Steve in those moments.

"I hate Tim right now," Steve said through his gritted teeth, "He pushed me back to this." Soda knew that wasn't the complete truth, but he wasn't going to argue it. He let Steve say whatever he needed to so he could calm down. Eventually, Steve sat down in the grass and let his head hang low, his hands folding behind his neck.

Soda turned as the door opened and saw Pony step outside. "You can come out," Soda said.

"Is he okay?" Pony asked.

"He will be," Soda said looking back at Steve.

"What's wrong?"

"That's something he needs to tell you," Soda grabbed Pony's arm and pulled him close, "I know you might be mad from last night, but just put that away for now. We'll worry about that later, okay?"

"Okay, sure," Pony fished out his cigarettes, figuring he was about to need them. Soda walked out into the yard and knelt down to Steve's level.

"Pony's out here. Are you ready to talk?" Steve looked up at Soda. His face was full of defeat. "It could help you to actually talk about it, not just yell."

Steve took one last look to the ground before slowly getting to his feet. The duo walked closer to the house. Steve stayed at the bottom of the porch steps while Soda made his way inside the house.

"Steve, what's going on?" Pony asked with concern, "You're scaring me."

"I need to talk to you," Steve shuffled around uncomfortably, pulling out a cigarette.

"Okay."

"Listen Pony, I'm so sorry for what I did last night. I regretted it immediately," Steve looked up at the sky, "I...I made an even bigger mistake afterwards."

"You mean after hitting Soda?"

"Yeah," Steve let out a heavy sigh. He could feel his chest getting heavy as he tried to begin telling the youngest greaser what he had done the previous night. His breathing picked up in pace. Sweat began to form at his hairline.

"Steve?" Pony asked noticing the sudden physical changes in Steve. "Steve, what's going on?" Steve didn't respond though as he slowly sat himself down to the ground. He grabbed his chest, looking like he was struggling to breathe. Pony tossed his cigarette and hurried inside the house. "Soda, something's wrong!"

Soda rushed back outside and got down next to Steve. "Steve? It's okay. Breathe Steve." Pony watched as Steve went to scratching at his arm, like he had done that one day when he zoned out. "Steve, stop it." Soda grabbed Steve's hands and held onto them, keeping them still. "Look at me. Focus on breathing. You are okay." It was all so familiar to Pony. He remembered listening to Darry, Soda, and Steve talk to him during his moments. He never realized how he probably looked to them when he was having nightmares or panic attacks. If he looked anything like Steve was in that moment...

"That's how I've looked before, isn't it?" Pony asked.

Soda looked over at his little brother, "Yeah."

"I barely remember going through it once I get out of it. It's...scary to watch."

"It is," Soda nodded, "You can go inside if you want."

"No," Pony shook his head, "I want to make sure he's okay."

Soda turned his attention back to Steve. He was slowing down his breathing, his body was slowly relaxing, tears finally escaped his eyes. "You're okay," Soda soothed, "You are okay."

Steve nodded, laying his head into Soda's chest. Soda wrapped his arms around his best friend and held on tight. "Pony, I'm going to bring him inside and come talk to you, okay?"

"Okay," Pony slowly sat down on the top step. He could feel a chill go through him. The scene was uncomfortable to watch, and it was really putting things in perspective for him. Was that how Soda and Darry saw Pony during his nightmares? Did they go through the fear of calming him down like that? Did he sometimes physically fight back?

As Soda walked back outside, Pony first asked, "Damn, what could he have had to say that could cause a panic attack?"

Soda sat down next to Ponyboy, "Well, Pony this may be hard to hear, but it's best you know. He sort of, in a way, relapsed last night."

"What do you mean?"

"He got very upset over what he did, and our fight, and he ended up cutting himself."

"What?" Pony asked. The news didn't really upset him, not like he thought it would. After his experience last night, he didn't think of it as bad as everyone was making it out to be.

"Don't be too mad at him Ponyboy. It was a trip up for him, but he'll be fine. These things happen," Soda explained, "The important thing is he doesn't get back to what he used to be."

"I'm not mad."

"You aren't?" Soda asked with some surprise to his little brother's extra calm response. He figured maybe he was just trying to be brave about it.

"I mean, I don't know," Pony shrugged, "I was a little more just freaked out at his attack."

"I know. Those are hard to watch. He just needs to rest and we'll check in on him later."

* * *

Later that afternoon, Darry got an unexpected phone call. Soda tried listening in, but Darry was being very quiet about it. He even took the phone call upstairs and was on it for almost an hour. Steve was still resting in Soda and Pony's shared bed. Soda didn't expect him to just jump up for the rest of the day. He knew all too well panic attacks took everything out of him. While he was peeking in on Steve, he finally heard Darry hang up the phone. He took the opportunity to see what was going on.

"Darry?" Soda asked, as he entered his older brother's room, "What's going on? Who was that?"

"It was Aunt Julie."

"Oh? Did we forget something?" Soda asked, "I guess not. You were on the phone forever."

"Yeah," Darry said, still seeming somewhat distracted, "Something's come up."

"What?"

"Apparently something went wrong with mom and dad's will," Darry said, "You know how Aunt Julie was the beneficiary or whatever for the will? Well apparently after we left, she kept going through some things that didn't seem to concern us, and she found more documents. She's been talking to the lawyer and it's something that will interest us. Or, I should say it involves us. She didn't want to promise anything."

"Us?" Soda sighed, "So...we have to go back?"

"Yeah, for the meeting," Darry said.

"Darry, do we have to? We can't leave Pony alone. I can't leave Steve."

Darry sighed, "I know, I know. We have to be there though, we're listed in it."

"Ponyboy isn't?"

"Aunt Julie thinks maybe it was written before he was born, or it was recent and he was too young. We aren't really sure."

"Can't Pony come with us?" Soda asked.

Darry thought for a moment, "We can see if he wants to."

"I'm just not comfortable leaving either of them right now."

"I know buddy. Let's figure this out."

The brothers walked downstairs where Pony was reading a book on the couch. "Pony," Darry began, "Put the book down. We need to talk."

"About Steve?" Pony asked setting the book down.

"No," Soda shook his head as he took a seat on the floor, "Something else."

"What?" Pony asked, hoping they hadn't caught on to his cutting.

"Listen buddy, there's been a situation," Darry said, "It's not really a bad one. It's just concerning in this moment of time."

"Why? What is it?" Pony asked.

"Well Aunt Julie called," Darry began.

"Okay?"

"Long story short, she found some documents that Soda and I have to be a part of. Another part of their will or something they left behind. We have to be a part of the meetings and stuff to finalize everything. So, we need to go back over there. We're nervous to leave you alone with everything going on, so do you want to come with us?" Darry asked.

Pony shrugged, "I actually don't understand."

"Don't understand what?" Darry asked, "I can't really explain the documents. Aunt Julie wasn't sure what they really meant, or could mean."

"No. I don't understand what you guys are so nervous about? I've been feeling okay."

"I guess that's what is worrying us is you're being rather calm about everything," Soda said.

"It's like you're bottling up anger we had expected you to have," Darry added on.

"No, I'm not," Pony sighed, "I mean, I may have been angry at first, but I'm trying to be okay. And Steve spiraling isn't a time to be mad." Pony knew he was lying. He knew the only reason he was fine was because of the cutting he had done. And he'd rather stay home to handle that on his own. He was okay with it, whether he believed that himself.

"Well...okay," Darry looked at Soda, "I mean, I know it wouldn't be fun for you to come with anyway, so if you really think you'll be fine to stay home you can."

"I'll be okay, I promise," Pony said, "Who is going to stay with me?"

"Yeah, good question," Darry said.

* * *

"How are you feeling buddy?" Soda asked. Steve finally woke up and walked down to the kitchen for some food.

"I'm doing okay," Steve said.

"Well, sorry to be abrupt but I need to talk to you about something."

Steve let out a low groan, "What is it?"

"Darry and me have to go away again."

Steve looked over at Soda, "What?"

"Something came up at Aunt Julie's, another document or something, I don't really know. Me and Darry have to go though and be part of it with the lawyers and stuff."

"Oh," Steve softly said.

"I don't want to leave you Steve, not in a time like this, but...I kind of have to buddy."

"Is Ponyboy going with?"

"No," Soda shook his head, "He said he wants to stay here. Don't worry about it though. I'm sure Darry will ask Two-Bit to come stay, or Pony can go to his house or something."

Steve shuffled his fingers, "I guess you guys wouldn't dare leave me with him again."

Soda shrugged, "Are you okay to be left alone?"

"The truth?"

"Well yeah, of course."

Steve looked between the wall and Soda, "No."


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: Hello my wonderful readers! I hate to be 'that writer,' but if anyone would like to, please check out my fanfic Prohibited Passion. I would appreciate getting more readers on that story, as I am trying to work really hard on it (It's actually one of my favorite ones to write currently). I think the summary is throwing people off on what I normally write, but it's certainly not coming off in that way, so anyone willing to check it out would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

* * *

The decision became that Steve and Two-Bit would stay at the Curtis household while Darry and Soda were gone. Steve and Pony were not equipped to be alone, so having all 3 together seemed ideal. Soda was very worried about it, and didn't want to leave. Darry was anxious, and figured out a way they'd only have to be gone for a couple days. It wasn't the perfect solution, but it was the best they all could do. Dally and Johnny said they'd stay around as much as they could too.

"It will be fine," Two-Bit assured Soda, "Really. I'll keep an eye on everything."

"Yeah, we don't need another phone call that cuts our trip short," Soda said quietly.

"I have a feeling you wouldn't mind that this time though."

"Not really. I'll find any excuse to turn around," Soda rolled his eyes, "Once Darry gets home from work today we'll be heading out."

"Alright. I'll go home and grab a few things so I really can stay here the whole time. With how Darry sounded, I am not allowed to step foot out of the house the next three days."

"We really appreciate it Two-Bit."

* * *

As soon as Darry got home, him and Soda got there stuff in the truck. The plan was to arrive at their aunts late that night, go to the lawyer's tomorrow, and hopefully leave by the next afternoon and get home later that night. Darry wasn't willing to take chances on staying much longer. Both the older brothers worried about Pony. They were worried if he'd have a nightmare, and then what he would do about that nightmare. They were worried if Steve would be able to handle Pony's nightmare. They were worried if Pony had already tried cutting, and they just didn't know it. Soda was anxious that Steve already went back to cutting.

"Have fun with the boys," Soda smiled as he pulled Pony into a hug, "Behave yourself. Call me if you have a nightmare or are having any thoughts you shouldn't be, alright?"

"I know Soda, I will. I promise," Pony grinned, "Don't have too much fun with Darry."

Soda sighed and chuckled, "Oh yeah."

Walking outside, Soda found Steve standing in the driveway, just staring at the street. Soda walked around in front of him and hugged him. "Everything's going to be okay, I promise."

"How can you be sure?" Steve asked quietly.

"Call me anytime. I don't care if it's the middle of the night. Just call me," Soda broke the hug and looked at his best friend, "I know you're freaking out about what you did, but we'll figure it out. You should go talk to Rachel."

Steve looked down, "I know I should, but I'm scared to."

"Why?"

"Admitting what happened, admitting I stole the car, admitting I cut myself, admitting I fell back to square one."

"But she can give you the best advice to not stay at square one," Soda watched as Steve's eyes grew with fear, "If you want to wait a few days, I'll come with you to talk to her. But don't wait if you can't. Promise me that, okay? If you keep feeling the urges, just go see her."

Steve slowly nodded, "Okay. I will."

"Can I ask you something?" Soda asked.

"Sure."

Soda took awhile to spit out his question, "Do you think Pony's...already tried it?"

Steve thought for a minute, "I'm not sure what I want to say."

"Just tell me the truth. Please."

"If you're wondering if I know for sure or if he's said anything to me, then it's no."

"No I know he wouldn't just flat out tell you, but..." Soda paused, "You know the signs, you know how you've acted and the excuses you'd make up. Do you think Pony has done it? I mean he's admitted he's thought about it."

"I don't want to say he has, because I don't know for sure," Steve said as he looked off to the side.

"Just spill it Steve," Soda softly said, "Just tell me."

Steve sighed, "Okay, if he were to come to me or you or Darry or Johnny or whoever and admit that he did do it..."

"You wouldn't be surprised?" Soda finished the sentence.

"Not really."

"Well can you talk to him about it?" Soda asked.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Soda asked in a pleading tone.

"Soda, I can't just ask him, he'll deny it. You can't have him think we don't trust him or anything."

"Then what are we supposed to do?"

Steve shrugged, "He may not even be doing it. If he does try though, hopefully we catch him in the act. That's how you found out about me."

Soda slowly nodded, "Yeah I did. Just take care of each other, alright?"

Steve sat on the front porch as the truck drove away. He was out there for awhile, feeling his anxiety grow, unsure what to do next.

"Hey," Two-Bit greeted as he stepped outside, taking a cigarette out of his pocket.

"Hey," Steve looked down.

"Want to talk?"

"I don't know."

"Well I do. Why did you do it?"

Steve sighed.

"I'm serious Steve. Why did you follow Shepard along?"

Steve couldn't look up at the disappointment on his friend's face.

"Well you obviously understand why everyone's mad."

"Yeah, I don't like it. And I'm sorry."

Two-Bit blew out a couple smoke rings as he changed the subject, "So what else has been going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not dumb Steve. It's one thing for Soda and Darry to ask me to watch Pony, I get why they asked that. When Soda brings up that you can't be home alone too, that I wasn't so sure about. So what's going on?"

"I...just feel like I'm on a downward slope right now. I just can't get control. And whenever I do think I have control, I just slip again. Like this whole car thing, I thought I had control over it. No one had to know about it. Soda wouldn't have to know. But he showed up and saw me red-handed. I thought I had control, and I slipped. And now I'm going through personal shit that won't let me get back in control."

* * *

_"Two-Bit, I really need you to understand what's going on." Soda had pulled Two-Bit over in private before he left with Darry. He wasn't sure how much Two-Bit really knew was going on._

_"Well honestly Soda, I do get why you don't want Steve to watch Pony alone this time."_

_"But Steve can't be left alone either."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"He'll be here the whole time too. He can't go home and be alone."_

_"Why?"_

_Soda shook his head, "He's just going down a dark path right now. He needs to be kept an eye on."_

_Two-Bit shuffled uncomfortably, "What's going on? Tell me."_

* * *

Later that night, Ponyboy went out for a cigarette and Steve decided to join him. He wanted to try to talk to the young greaser again about what he did.

"Hey," Steve said leaning against the porch.

"Hey, " Ponyboy said as he lit up.

Steve sighed, "You know, we haven't really gotten the chance to talk about things."

Pony just shrugged, "Well talk."

"I can assume you're pretty mad at me."

"I was."

"Was?"

"Yeah, I don't know. Why did you do it?"

"Kid, I wish I knew the answer."

Pony looked up at Steve, "Well try an answer for this one, why did you have that panic attack?"

"Well... what I was trying to tell you was sending me back to a time I didn't want to revisit."

"You cut again didn't you?" Pony asked without missing a beat. He knew that if he had cut after the situation, it only made sense Steve could have too.

Steve looked at the young greaser surprised, "Yeah...I did."

Pony could feel his curiosity rising at the topic. It wasn't just curiosity. He was proud of what he had accomplished with it. He almost wanted to brag. He wanted to talk about it. "How did it make you feel?"

Steve slowly shook his head, "Ashamed. I was...so scared."

"Really?" Pony asked, trying not to sound too surprised or disappointed.

"You don't get it Pony," Steve said, trying not to look down at his arm, "I've gone 2 years now without falling back, and...I messed up."

"Well, I mean, no one's perfect."

"No, but...one fall back can sure make you feel like you failed everything."

"Well I'm here for you Steve. Really. You've been here for me plenty."

"Thanks buddy," Steve grinned. He remembered Soda's concern before leaving and decided to try and take a chance. "How about you?"

"How about me what?"

"Are you still having curious thoughts about it?" Steve asked as he took a seat next to Ponyboy.

Pony shrugged as he formed the lie in his head, "I don't know. Maybe I did when I heard you went and stole that car, but then seeing your panic attack...that was a lot to take in."

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Steve shook his head, "I..." Steve froze as he saw an all too familiar car park across the street. "Pony, go inside."

"Why? Are you going to have another attack? Should I get Two-Bit?"

"No, no, just go inside. I got matters to take care of."

Pony was confused, but listened as he tossed his cigarette and walked inside the house.

Steve waited a moment, knowing the person inside the car was looking up at him, waiting. He slowly walked down the driveway and across the street. The car's window rolled down.

"Hi Steve."

"Hey Gracie. What are you doing here?"

"Just wanted to talk. Soda's not here is he?"

Steve slowly shook his head, "Sorry to disappoint you."

"Steve stop," Gracie quickly stepped out of her car as she sensed Steve's impatience, "I'm not here for Soda."

"Not this time, huh?"

"Steve, I wasn't out for Soda at all. He showed up at Tim's and waited for you to get back. I'm sure that's what Soda told you, and it was the truth. Nothing was going on."

"Don't put it on Soda. I know you didn't shy away from talking to him when he did show up. You just wanted to add onto us and get us to fight."

"Please Steve. Let's put that ugly mess behind us. That wasn't just me you know. You're the one who messed up. If I wasn't there, Soda would have still been angry with you for what you did."

"Would you just go away?" Steve gripped his hair, "I don't even understand why you're back around me. You tore my heart. You didn't even care."

"I did Steve," Gracie begged, "At least I did after I realized what I had lost. I miss you Steve, terribly. I'll admit I only started hanging around Tim, because he wanted me to get your attention. I knew I'd get to possibly be around you, and...I don't know, now I can't stop thinking about us."

"Gracie, damnit I can't do this right now! I have so much shit going on, and I'm not exactly at the top of my friend's list right now. Besides, if you're hanging around Shepard and them, I can't be around them. Tim's got himself in deep shit, and I can't be in that right now," Steve shook his head.

"I'm not hanging around them anymore Steve. Anyway, Tim is pretty much done with you. He wasn't going to need anything else from you. He just wanted to teach those guys a lesson for trying to trick him on his order."

Steve looked up at Gracie, "What are you talking about?"

"The order he wanted."

Steve walked closer to Gracie as he talked low, "You mean to tell me Tim got me involved in some fucking drug deal mess? Not because these guys were hitting on his sister?"

"What? God no, who told you that?"

Steve rolled his eyes in frustration, "Nothing."

"Those guys are from Yale Steve, I figured you knew this whole mess had to be drug related."

"You know what," Steve said angrily, "I don't even care. I'm done with it. Tim used me as his little puppet, so congratulations to him. I hope to never see his ass again."

"You don't have to," Gracie said, "I'm sorry I tried to get in the middle of it. I'm not going back to that shit either."

"Well good," Steve turned around to go back towards the house.

"Can you just think about it?"

"Think about what?" Steve asked still walking away.

"Just us..."

Steve stopped, but didn't turn to face her. He tried to think of a response, but couldn't think of anything. All he wanted to do was yell. Instead, he finished his walk back into the house.

* * *

"I don't know Steve," Two-Bit sighed, "I had an idea it was drugs, because she's right, it is Yale after all. But I wouldn't have thought Tim to be involved in that shit. Do you know the shit they sell, or even make, over there?"

"Yeah I do," Steve shook his head as he paced the kitchen, "You know what this means too?"

"What?"

"That Pony got stabbed, simply because these guys thought Tim must have sent him to try and sneak in and steal whatever the hell he was wanting from them," Steve shook his head, "That pisses me off so much. I shouldn't be blaming myself as bad for what happened to him."

"Don't waste your time being mad over it. Just let it go and move on. Just focus on the shit you're going through right now."

Steve shrugged, "Yeah."

"Well do you miss her?" Two-Bit asked.

Steve shrugged, "I miss what we had before I knew what was going on with Soda. But I can't get that back Two-Bit. Even if we tried again, where's the trust?"

Two-Bit shrugged, "I don't blame you there."

"Where did Ponyboy go anyway?" Steve asked.

"He went upstairs, said he was going to take a shower."

* * *

Ponyboy had the shower running, but he only had his shirt off. The steam was beginning to fill the bathroom. It was soothing. He had his blade in his grip. He had no idea why he was doing this. He didn't think he was angry or sad at the moment, but he was feeling the urge. He just didn't understand how Steve could feel disappointed for what he did. It made Pony uneasy. He didn't like that. He wanted to feel good.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N: Already lovely readers, it looks like there are only a few chapters left in this story before it gets to a point where we have to go on to the next part in a sequel! It's taken me a long time to figure out where this story was going (it's been published for almost an entire year!) and I might be figuring that out finally! Enjoy!

* * *

Steve and Ponyboy slept in the bedroom together while Two-Bit took Darry's bed. Gracie kept flowing in and out of Steve's mind, making it difficult to relax. Soda not being around was making it hard for Steve. He was ultimately scared what he could do to himself if no one was going to stop him. It was like the battle he had to fight a few years ago.

It was the middle of night when Steve heard some mumbling that made him stir awake.

"No, no...I didn't do it," Pony was saying. Steve sat himself up and rubbed at his eyes.

"I...I didn't."

He grabbed Pony's shoulder and began slowly shaking. "Ponyboy? Pony, wake up buddy."

"No! Please, I didn't do anything!" Pony yelled.

Steve was slightly confused. Pony didn't seem too scared, just arguing. "Hey Pony, wake up," Steve shook him harder, "Come on, you're okay."

Pony's eyes flew open and he looked over at Steve. Again, he didn't seem that spooked, just frustrated.

"Are you okay?" Steve whispered as his eyebrows lowered.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"What were you dreaming about?" Steve asked curiously.

"Nothing," Pony pulled the covers over himself.

"You don't remember?"

"No I don't," Pony sighed, "Typical, huh?"

Steve lowered himself back onto the bed, sinking into the pillow. Part of him didn't believe Pony, but was too confused to know where to begin in asking him what the dream was about. He decided to let it be and get back to his struggle of a deep sleep.

* * *

"No Darry, no one's in the hospital yet," Two-Bit smirked.

"Very funny Two-Bit," Darry said from the other end of the phone call, "Really, how is everyone?"

"Things seem fine. Steve did tell me he was feeling pretty down about things and like he really messed up, so I can put 2 and 2 together on what's going on inside of that head of his."

"And Pony?"

"Pony's been fine. He hasn't seemed off at all to me," Two-Bit shrugged.

"Well, maybe he's starting to feel a little better about some things."

"Yeah, maybe," Two-Bit said, "How long do you guys think you'll be?"

"Just a couple days. We should be back the day after tomorrow."

"Cool. I'll keep things running smoothly here. Have Ponyboy try some of my personally made drinks," Two-Bit grinned.

"Two-Bit, don't even think about it," Darry said firmly. Two-Bit could tell through the phone he didn't even crack a grin.

Two-Bit laughed anyway, "Talk to you later Darry."

* * *

Later that afternoon, Steve and Two-Bit sat in the living room playing cards on the coffee table. With Soda's concern on his mind, Two-Bit decided to just spend as much time as he could with Steve, not that he tried leaving the house much.

"Hey Johnny, " Steve greeted as Johnny walked through the front door.

"Hey guys, where's Ponyboy? We're thinking of going to the movies. "

"He's upstairs," Steve said while shuffling the cards.

"He didn't ask me to go to the movies," Two-Bit protested.

"There's a good reason for that," Johnny smirked.

"And what's that?" Two-Bit asked.

"Because we want to actually watch the movie," Johnny said walking towards the stairs.

"They just don't appreciate me," Two-Bit said as he got up, "Want a beer?"

"No, I probably shouldn't," Steve replied placing a cigarette in his mouth.

"Yeah, because going out for a cigarette every hour is good," Two-Bit cocked an eyebrow.

Steve let out a hard sigh as he put the cigarette away.

* * *

"Ponyboy? Are you ready?" Johnny asked as he stood outside the bedroom door.

"Uh yeah, I think so. I just need a minute."

"Okay, do you want me to wait downstairs?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah, yeah, that's fine," Pony responded quickly. It seemed he was trying to end the conversation quick, but Johnny shrugged it off and went back downstairs. He took a seat next to Steve and joined in the next hand.

A few rounds went by when Steve scoffed at Two-Bit, "I don't know what I'd rather deal with, Soda cheating or you beating me."

"Can't be happy for me?" Two-Bit laughed.

Steve shook his head, "You just rub it in my face a little too much."

"Hey I got to take my wins. If you want Soda to stop cheating, have me play him. Bet you I can beat him as his own game."

"I'd pay to watch that," Johnny chuckled.

"Did Darry leave any cake?" Steve got up and walked over to the fridge.

"What is taking Pony so long?" Two-Bit asked Johnny, "Are you guys meeting girls tonight? Is he trying to look all pretty?"

Johnny rolled his eyes, "Not that I'm aware of. I'll go check on him again."

Upstairs, Johnny walked by the bedroom and saw the door open, but no Ponyboy. He made his way down the hall to the closed bathroom door.

Knocking, Johnny called out, "Hey Pony, you doing alright?" There wasn't an answer. "Pony? Are you okay?"

"I...I think so," Pony muttered out.

"What's going on? Can you let me in?"

It took a few seconds, but the door unlocked and Johnny opened the door.

"Don't make a fuss," Pony quickly said, "Please."

"A fuss?" Johnny asked as he took in the scene. Ponyboy had the sink running, there was blood stains on the sink, and Pony's arm was practically red. "Pony?"

"Don't be loud," Pony begged.

"What happened?" Johnny quickly shut the door behind him, "Did you get cut on something?"

"Uh yeah," Pony lied, "I just can't get the blood to slow down."

Johnny helped Pony get his arm under the sink to wash away the blood and find the cut. "Oh my God Pony, what did you get cut on?"

"Just something in my room," Pony said, hoping he could keep the lie going. He knew if Steve saw though, the lie would be over.

"This cut is pretty bad," Johnny said, "You probably need stitches."

"No!" Pony yelled, a little too loud. The panic from the cut and Steve finding out was piling on.

"Why not?" Johnny asked.

"It's...just...I can't go back to the hospital," Pony quickly said, "Darry and Soda could kick Steve out forever even though he didn't do anything."

"Pony don't worry about that. We can explain that to them."

Pony shook his head, "Johnny, you can't tell Steve."

"You can't just leave this alone. It'll keep bleeding. Bandages aren't going to fix it."

"You stitch it."

"I'm not that good at stitching Pony," Johnny argued, "We have to tell Steve and Two-Bit. Together, they can figure it out. They've seen Darry do it plenty of times."

Pony shook his head, "Johnny, I mean it. We can't tell them." As Pony pulled his arm from the sink, a little blood still trickled out, barely slowing down.

"I'm telling them Pony," Johnny said as he opened the door, "You're being ridiculous."

Pony sat down on the floor, imagining what Steve was going to say. He wasn't going to hear the end of it. He was about to have Steve's face in his, yelling at the top of his lungs. All the anger, rage, and shame being pushed down Pony's throat. Pony just sat there, letting the blood trickle as he waited and waited, the time feeling like forever. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and down the hall. Expecting everyone to be at the door, he was surprised to only see Steve with the first aid kit in his hands. His face looked disappointed, and it killed Ponyboy instantly.

Steve didn't say anything as he sat on the floor and helped clean Pony up. Pony kept looking at Steve's face, but he only kept his eyes on the cut. It felt like it was taking all night as Pony bared himself for the bark. As he got fixed up and stitched, Pony prepared himself for the finale. He could feel his face turning red, his ears growing hot.

Steve finished up, he cleaned up the materials, and washed his hands. Pony could feel that Steve wanted to lay in on him, but he was clearly trying to hold back. He wasn't sure why though. If Steve had anything to say, he would just say it. Pony just kept himself on the floor, looking down at the bandage, stitches right beneath it.

Once everything was wiped down, Pony watched Steve stand in the doorway, with his head hanging. "Johnny's waiting downstairs," Steve simply said before he walked out of the bathroom.

'That's it?' Pony thought to himself. How bad did someone have to fuck up for Steve to stay silent?

* * *

Pony and Johnny got back home late, which was done on purpose.

"You said Steve got you stitched up and he didn't say anything about it," Johnny said as they walked up the porch steps, "I don't know why you're so worried."

"He didn't say anything Johnny," Pony shook his head, "That's the problem."

"Did you really think he was going to be worried about Soda or Darry being mad at him when it was an accident that he had nothing to do with?"

Pony shrugged, "I don't know."

Walking inside, Pony felt his heart sink as he saw Steve on the couch with a beer in his hand. He had hoped they would have stayed out long enough for Steve to go to bed. He probably should have known better than Steve to be able to sleep after what he saw.

"I'll see you tomorrow Pony," Johnny said turning to leave, "I'm going to head home for the night."

"Sure," Pony said quietly as Johnny closed the front door. His eyes stayed on the floor, refusing to look up at Steve. All he could hear was the swig each time Steve took another drink from the bottle. He decided to take a chance and began walking towards the stairs.

"Stop."

Slowly turning, Pony looked at Steve. He was just staring blankly at the TV, which Pony just noticed was off.

"I'm sorry," Pony quietly said.

Steve stared at his beer bottle, slowly shaking his head, "Why?"

"I..."

"What was bothering you so bad that you couldn't come talk to me?" Steve asked.

"I..."

Steve stood up from his spot, dropping the bottle on the floor, and walked over to Ponyboy. He grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him up close. Pony could smell the alcohol and could tell Steve had been drinking a lot.

"Steve, stop," Pony said as he grabbed Steve's hands, trying to pry them off.

"Why?"

"It's not what you think," Pony said.

"I told you...I told you, over and over again!" Steve barked, "Over and over again to come to me!"

"Steve, I-I'm sorry," Pony begged.

"No you're not!" Steve screamed.

"Hey what's going on?" Two-Bit asked coming down the stairs. Steve let Pony go and turned away. "Steve, what is going on?"

"Nothing," Steve said.

Two-Bit looked at Pony, waiting for an explanation.

"Nothing," Pony shakily said, knowing his eyes were filling with tears, "It's nothing."

"Well then let's go to bed," Two-Bit placed a hand on Pony's back.

"Can I sleep with you Two-Bit?" Pony asked.

"Sure," Two-Bit said, clearly telling Steve had done something, "Just get in bed, I'll be there in a minute."

Two-Bit waited for Pony to get upstairs before asking, "Steve, what's wrong? Are you mad he was out late?"

"No," Steve shook his head, "Tell Pony he doesn't have to sleep with you, I'll just sleep on the couch."

Two-Bit shrugged, too tired to worry about anything at the moment, "Alright, I'll just let him do what he wants. Well, get some sleep. We'll just talk tomorrow."

Steve waited until he knew Two-Bit was long upstairs, picked up his beer bottle from the floor, and walked outside. He let out a scream as he threw the bottle, watching it crash into the street. In an instant, tears ran down Steve's face. He tugged at his shirt as he felt his heart race and his breathing intensify. His chest felt like it was sinking into him, his lungs were still, and he couldn't get a breath in.

"Why Pony why?" Steve cried out, "What did I do wrong? You-You can't do this...I can't..."

Looking towards the street, a light caught the corner of a piece of the bottle. It hit him. He was pushed down the porch steps and into the street. He picked up a piece, slowly dragged it across near his wrist, and could feel his chest open back up as it allowed fresh air in.

* * *

It was the middle of the night and Pony couldn't sleep. He slowly got out of the bed, careful not to wake Two-Bit, and went downstairs. He didn't see Steve in his bed or on the couch. He had a feeling he was outside. Opening the front door, Pony saw Steve sitting on the porch.

"Can't sleep either?" Pony asked.

Steve shook his head, "No."

"Can we talk?" Pony asked.

Steve shrugged, "Sure."

"I...just want to explain."

"Go for it."

"It's just...nothing...nothing was going on."

"What do you mean?" Steve asked.

"I couldn't come to you, because nothing was going on," Pony admitted.

Steve turned from his spot and looked up at Pony, "What are you talking about?"

"I was...just doing it," Pony looked off to the side.

"What? For fun?" Steve asked in disbelief.

"I mean...not fun," Pony shook his head, "I just...I had an urge and I felt like I could handle it fine. I can control it."

Steve stood up and looked at Pony. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He wanted to grab the young greaser and shake him. "Yeah, I thought I could too. Look where that got me. And now look where it almost got you! We could have had to rush you to the hospital, and then I'd never be allowed here again."

"It wouldn't have been your fault," Pony said as he repeated Johnny's words.

"Oh yes it would have. Soda wasn't happy that I admitted to you so much stuff, he'll blame me for exposing you."

Pony closed his eyes shut tight, not wanting to let any tears fall, "Steve, I'm sorry."

"I know how that urge feels, but you have to stop," Steve said in a pleading tone, "Please."

"Okay," Pony said.

"No, don't just bullshit me. Please, just..." Steve felt his own anxiety rise as he froze in his words.

Pony glanced down and saw Steve's wrist, "You should listen to your own words."

Steve hurried his wrist behind his back. He brushed past Pony and hurried inside.

"Steve wait," Pony said following behind. He watched Steve hurry into the bathroom and slam the door shut. "Steve, please."

Steve sat on the floor, feeling his heart race again. The weight bearing on his chest again.

"Steve," Pony called from the other side of the door, "Open the door. Please. I promise I won't do it anymore. Let's just talk about it. You want me to talk to you, so let's do that. Come out."

"No," Steve said, "I know how it goes. I promised Soda many times, but kept breaking it. I can't watch it happen to you."

"Steve, it won't happen to me," Pony said, "I swear. You can help me. Just come out."

The tears violently fell down Steve's face. He began choking on his cries, his vision being blinded. He reached up and grasped his hair, pulling at it. Everything was falling apart around Steve, and he felt like couldn't get back on track to fix it.


	32. Chapter 32

Ponyboy was terrified of what was going on in the bathroom. He didn't know what to say or do, so he ran upstairs to get Two-Bit.

"Two-Bit? Wake up," Pony pleaded as he shook the older greaser.

"Huh? What?" Two-Bit stirred and sat right up, "Pony? Are you okay? What's going on?"

"Just come on. It's Steve." Two-Bit wasted no time as he skipped steps to get down to the bottom level. Pony brought him over to the bathroom, where Two-Bit began knocking.

"Steve? What's going on buddy?"

"I can't do this. It's too much."

"Open the door, let's talk," Two-Bit said as he got nervous, "Don't test me on locked doors. I got a little sister, I know how to open anything."

Pony sat on the couch, worried about Steve going through another panic attack. He slowly put his hands over his ears, unable to listen to Two-Bit's banging or Steve's words.

"Steve talk to me damnit!" Two-Bit banged the door.

"Go away."

"Fine, you asked for it." Two-Bit got the door unlocked in no time and walked in, closing it behind him.

"Steve," Two-Bit said as he saw Steve gripping his blade, "What are you doing?"

Steve just stared at his blade, "Two-Bit, he cut."

"What?" Two-Bit asked as he sat on the floor.

"Ponyboy. He cut himself. Bad. Earlier when Johnny was waiting for him. I had to clean him up and fix him up. He could have ended up at the hospital."

"Wait, what? Why the hell did he do that?" Two-Bit asked.

"It's my fault," Steve said, "He heard about my past and just...he's using what I did to help himself and his nightmares. I ended up in a bad situation though, and I can't watch that happen to him. I can't go through that again."

Two-Bit got up from the floor, "Give me the blade."

Steve slowly handed it over.

"Hang in here for a minute," Two-Bit left the bathroom. He glanced at Pony, who just slowly looked up. He didn't know what to say, so he went for the phone, regardless of what time it was.

"Come on pick up," Two-Bit muttered desperately.

"Hello? Two-Bit?" a desperate voice answered.

"Yeah it's me," Two-Bit said, "Darry don't panic, Pony's fine. I'm sorry it's late, I know, but can I talk to Soda? It's Steve."

"Sure, yeah," Darry sounded like he wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not. While Two-Bit waited for Darry to wake Soda up, he turned to glance towards the bathroom. He still saw Steve's legs as he was propped in the corner of the bathroom.

"Hello?"

"Soda, it's Two-Bit. Listen, Steve is having a breakdown. A really bad one. This couldn't wait until the morning, I'm sorry. What should I do?"

"No, it's fine. I'm glad you called," Soda said, "What's wrong? What is he panicking about?"

Two-Bit sighed, knowing he may have to break the news about Pony's cutting, "Everything. I'm not entirely sure I know about everything he's saying, but it sounds bad. But...what seems to be triggering it is...Soda...Pony cut himself."

There was silence as Two-Bit felt his heart drop.

"Soda, what do you want me to do? Please help me figure this out."

"I shouldn't have left," Soda sighed.

"Soda, just hold it together. Things are still okay. I'm looking at Steve and Ponyboy right now, so they're safe. What do you want me to do next?"

"Just listen, keep an eye on them for the night. I don't care if it means you don't get any sleep. Then tomorrow, make Steve call his therapist. Take both of their blades from them. Now."

"Okay sure. Steve has a therapist?" Two-Bit asked.

"Yes, I know I can't explain everything to you. Maybe Steve will. Anyway, make him call her tomorrow."

"Okay, yeah, I will. Thanks for the advice," Two-Bit sighed, "I'll see what I can do tonight. I'll call you tomorrow, alright?"

"Okay please do."

* * *

Two-Bit was able to get Steve to the couch with Ponyboy. He kept Steve's blade in his pocket.

"Well let's figure this out," Two-Bit said as he stood in front of the boys, "Ponyboy, go get your blade and give it to me." Ponyboy did as he was told.

"Can I please go to bed?" Pony asked, "I'm exhausted. I'm not going to do anything. Come check on me every ten minutes if you have to."

"That's fine," Two-Bit nodded. After Pony went upstairs, Two-Bit and Steve were silent. Neither of them knew what to say to each other.

"I'm sure this is going to be a long night," Two-Bit said.

Steve slowly nodded.

"Well that only means one thing," Two-Bit walked into the kitchen. He returned with a deck of cards and a couple beers. "Let's play and you can talk."

"About what?"

"Everything," Two-Bit said as he pulled the armchair to the other side of the coffee table and began shuffling the deck.

Steve hesitantly began talking about his troubles. Two-Bit had known about his mom's death and knew Steve had a hard time with it. He hadn't realized Steve had been going to therapy for a long time, or had a cutting problem, or that the hospital trip he had was because of the cutting. A lot of new information was being thrown at Two-Bit, and he couldn't help but feel terrible about anything he may have said or did to trigger Steve in his times of need.

"So you've been doing better for awhile though?" Two-Bit asked, hoping to find some shed of light.

"Yeah," Steve nodded as he fiddled with the cards in his hands. Two-Bit could tell Steve was uncomfortable talking about it all.

"So what triggered it back up?"

"I guess Ponyboy. When Darry and Soda left the first time, Pony was having a nightmare, so I helped him through it since I knew all about those. And then I started telling Pony about all the struggles I went through, and then I don't know...it just triggered things to come back."

"I'm sorry man," Two-Bit said, "Soda wants you to talk to your therapist tomorrow. I'm suppose to make you."

"I wouldn't expect it any other way."

"Are you going to fight it?"

"No," Steve shook his head, "I want to get better, I just don't want to go through the process again."

"Maybe you should take Pony too," Two-Bit suggested, "It's making me a little nervous having to watch his every move."

"It's probably a good idea."

"So what about Pony getting stabbed? It just happened to be because you were supposed to be babysitting?"

Steve nodded, "That's it. Tim asked me to a while back, I said I would, he told me about it one day at work while I was staying here, and I went out to do it. No one would ever have known if Pony didn't get so curious."

"Well maybe it's a blessing in disguise Pony went out there. If none of us knew, Tim could have gotten you involved deeper into shit you can't get yourself out of. Or you could have been hurt and none of us would have known."

"I know," Steve nodded, "I don't want to see that guy for a long time."

* * *

"Hi boys," Rachel smiled at Steve and Ponyboy, "How are you guys doing?"

"Okay," Steve answered.

"Alright," Pony added in.

"Must have things to talk about huh?" Rachel asked, "Well we can start together, but if either of you ever want to say something in private, we can certainly arrange that, okay?"

"Yeah," Steve said and Ponyboy nodded.

"And the ground rules with that are no one should take it personal if someone wants to say something alone. Sometimes it's just easier to say it to a sort-of stranger first."

"Okay," Pony said glancing at Steve. He wasn't sure how much he'd say in front of Steve, he didn't want to see more disappointment.

"So, who wants to start?" Rachel smiled.

Steve let out a breath and stood up, "I guess me."

"Okay, what's going on?"

"I failed," Steve spilled out as he began pacing the room. Pony could tell it was already going to be a rough session just with how Steve was starting.

"Failed? How?" Rachel asked.

"I..." Steve choked on tears that suddenly came about, "did it again." Pony felt his heart sink at the desperation in Steve's voice. Is this how he was when he first came to therapy? Is this the side he hid from the gang and let it out here with Rachel instead? Did he really feel like his friends couldn't help him?

"Did what?" Rachel asked.

Steve's pace began to quicken, "I..."

"Steve," Rachel began, "Did you cut yourself?" Steve's breathing quickened. He couldn't slow himself down. His heart was begging to pound through his skin. Rachel stood up, walked over and grabbed Steve by the hands. "Sit down." Rachel helped Steve to the floor, still holding his hands. "Slow down Steve. It is okay. You are okay."

As he listened in, Pony could hear the same words Steve had said to him during his nightmares.

"If you cut yourself, then we will work through it. You are not a failure. You have not become worth any less because of it. You will be okay."

Pony watched as Steve appeared to start relaxing.

"Now you need to answer my question with a yes or no," Rachel said, "Do you understand?"

Steve slowly nodded.

"Did you cut yourself?"

Steve's lips quivered.

"Say it Steve."

"Y-Yes I did."

"Why did you?"

Steve immediately shook his head.

"Well Steve, you don't have to tell me right now, but it can help you get through this if you talk about it, if you admit everything, and say it out loud," Rachel said.

Steve drew in a sharp breath, trying to calm himself enough to speak. Pony didn't know whether he should stay or leave. It was stabbing him to watch Steve like this. "Soda and me got in a huge fight. It was physical," Steve whimpered out. Pony looked down to the floor. If he hadn't sent Soda out to check on Steve, that wouldn't have happened.

"And that hasn't happened since that one time before," Rachel said.

"One time before?" Pony suddenly blurted out. As Steve looked over, he mouthed, "Sorry."

Steve slowly shook his head, "Yeah. One of the times he caught me cutting again...he got so frustrated and...we just got into a fight over it."

"I never knew that," Pony said quietly.

"It's not easy going through that with your best friend, hmm?" Rachel asked.

"Everything is falling apart," Steve said leaning his head against his knees, "It's all coming back so fast."

Rachel helped Steve up and brought him back to the couch. "Steve, what else has been happening? I think it's very important I know."

Steve looked over at Ponyboy, unsure if he'd say it himself.

"I cut," Pony admitted.

"You did?" Rachel asked.

Pony slowly nodded, "I have a couple times."

Steve just looked straight ahead.

"Do you want to tell me why you did it?"

"Well, the first time I was just so mad at Steve, so I guess it was out of spite. And I don't know, it just didn't seem to get to me that much," Pony shrugged, "I felt like I had control until yesterday."

"What happened yesterday?" Rachel asked.

"He fucked up," Steve blurted out.

"Steve..." Rachel began.

"No," Steve continued on, "I haven't said anything about it yet. How could you seriously be so stupid Pony?"

Rachel put a hand up, "Steve, there are other ways..."

"I have told you everything, _everything _I have been through and you still don't use your head! You think you have control over this? You're just going to end up like me and look where I've been in life, look how I've turned out!" Steve yelled getting to his feet.

"Steve," Rachel stood up and got between the two, "That's enough. There are other ways to talk about this."

"Well this kid needs it shoved into his head to really understand," Steve turned away and stormed out the door.

Rachel slowly sat back down.

"Should we go after him?" Pony asked.

"No," Rachel shook her head, "Believe it or not, it took twelve sessions before Steve could get through an entire hour without storming out at least once."

"Twelve?" Pony asked shocked.

Rachel nodded, "Everyone just handles these things differently. Some people shut down and won't talk, some talk my ear off, some don't want to leave, and some storm away. Now, maybe he'll come back, but we'll have to see. For now, we can just talk. Would you like that?"

"Yeah I think so."

"Okay," Rachel smiled, "So what exactly happened yesterday?"

"I-I just cut too much," Pony admitted, "It was bad."

"How bad?"

"Steve stitched me up, so that bad. I didn't want to go to the hospital though, because I didn't want my brothers to be mad at Steve and think it was his fault again."

"I'm glad Steve was able to help. How did he handle it all?"

"He didn't say anything when he stitched me up. He was completely silent."

Rachel nodded, "That probably sent Steve back to some bad times. It sounds like a lot of things have been happening to do that lately."

Pony looked over at the door, waiting for the door to reopen, "Do you think he'll be okay?"

Rachel let a small smile come across her lips, "I hope so."

It took some time for Steve to return to the room. It was clear by his red eyes he had been crying. It was clear by the scent he had blew through at least a couple cigarettes.

"Hi Steve," Rachel smiled as he sat back down on the couch, "Pony told me what happened yesterday and how it was handled. Is there anything you want to say about it?"

Steve shook his head.

"Okay. Ponyboy, do you still feel like you have control over the cutting?"

"I mean...I guess not like I thought."

"So do you feel like you could fix that and put more control on it?"

"I don't know."

"If you thought you could find a way to control cutting, would you keep doing it?"

Pony shrugged, "Sure."

"Do you know there are other dangers to cutting besides just cutting too deep? For example, you could get infections. Your scars may not heal properly. You could look at your scars one day and feel an emotional burden or regret towards them. You can get addicted. You have to try and come up with lie after lie after lie if anyone sees new wounds or scars. There's a lot of dangers associated with it that aren't about if you can physically control the knife or not," Rachel explained, "And Steve's frustration is valid. He knows firsthand how this can go for you, and he's frustrated you aren't listening or taking him seriously."

"That's not what I was doing though," Pony said, "I wasn't trying to say that I wasn't listening to him."

"And I do believe that Pony, I don't think you were trying to throw away his words as nothing," Rachel said, "Did you have that feeling of your emotions taking over?"

"Yeah. It was overwhelming, especially after nightmares."

"So, what we can do for you then is figure out healthy coping skills. I'm sure your brothers have tried that before, but we may need to explore other options to keep you from just running for the knife when your emotions are on the rise. We need to try and stop this before it becomes a habit, or a worse habit."

Pony nodded in agreement.

"And I can see we are on different ends of a spectrum here with you guys. One of you knows you should stop doing this, but is struggling to see the consequences of it. The other one is terrified to be pushed to it again. Both of you will need similar, but also different sets of coping skills. We'll figure this out and you guys will come out stronger."

"Thank you," Pony said, "I do appreciate this. I hate to see Steve or anyone else disappointed in me with all this."

"Of course Ponyboy," Rachel smiled, "Now can I have a quick word with Steve alone before you guys go?"

"Yeah," Pony got up and exited the room.

Rachel waited a minute before speaking, "So Steve, are you ready to face this head on again?"


	33. Chapter 33

Darry and Soda returned home. They were both desperate to talk to Pony and make sure he was okay. Darry was beginning to feel like he was failing his youngest brother. He'd been doing everything he could to help him since their parent's died, and he thought they were going down the right path, but maybe that was the problem. It seemed like a smooth, easy path. Darry began to wonder if he hadn't looked deep enough into the problem, not realizing what could have been happening to Pony mentally.

When the brothers walked into the house, they found Two-Bit watching TV with Pony and Johnny. Dally and Steve were in the kitchen playing cards. There was an awkward feeling in the air though. It was one of those times where the entire gang knew something was wrong, but no one was willing to talk about it.

"Alright Dal, I think it's time we head out," Two-Bit got up and stretched. Darry felt bad at the sight of Two-Bit. He wasn't his usual, carefree self. Darry could see the worry, fear, and exhaustion on his face. The brothers stepped outside with Two-Bit to let them know how grateful they were for him.

"Thanks for everything Two-Bit," Darry said.

"No problem," Two-Bit said pulling out a cigarette.

"Things got pretty bad huh?" Soda softly asked.

"Yeah," Two-Bit nodded.

"You didn't sleep," Darry said.

"I was really worried about them. Especially Steve."

"Did he try anything?" Soda asked.

"Not really," Two-Bit answered, "Pony was fine hanging around me, staying out of trouble. Steve...just the way he talked."

"What did he say?"

Two-Bit shrugged, "He just seemed so hopeless."

Soda closed his eyes to keep any tears from coming. "Damn."

* * *

Johnny decided to hang around for the day. Darry wouldn't be surprised if Johnny spent lots of nights at the house to keep an eye on Pony. He certainly wouldn't mind it.

"Hey Pony, come in here for a minute," Darry called from the kitchen as the young greasers were sitting in the living room.

"Yeah?" Pony asked as he placed his hands in his pockets.

"How did it go talking to Rachel?" Darry asked.

"It was fine," Pony looked down.

"Sit down," Darry pointed to the kitchen table. As Pony sat down, Darry continued on, "Tell me about the conversation.

Pony wasn't sure what to say about his talk with Rachel. The talk didn't go bad, at least not on Pony's part. "I really messed up huh?"

"Yeah," Darry nodded, "I mean, you made a mistake. It's good we are getting you help early on."

"Is Soda mad?"

"No of course not. I'm not mad either buddy, I'm just...well we're just...scared."

"Scared?"

"Yes," Darry took a seat next to Pony, "I don't want to see you go through this. I already hated seeing you deal with the nightmares. It kills me to see you going through so much shit."

"I'm sorry Darry," Pony quietly said.

"What could you possibly be sorry for?"

"I don't know. I guess you and Soda being able to grieve mom and dad in a healthy way and not have problems, and you both have to deal with mine."

"Pony, let's get some things straight. Soda and I have had plenty of our own mistakes with grieving. We had to learn just like you. And everyone is different. Everyone's brains are different. Our brains handled mom and dad differently than yours. Yours handled it like how Steve's handled his mom's death. You guy's seem to have the similar problem of your mind's getting overwhelmed."

"Why does it do that though?" Pony stood up from the chair in frustration and began pacing the kitchen, "Why does my mind get overwhelmed? Why can't it just accept what happened and begin moving on?"

Darry thought about his answer for a minute before speaking, "Because you and Steve think a lot. I know that sounds simple, but it's true. When Steve's mom died, he tried figuring out why it had to happen to her. And then when he really figured out how she died, he had a whole new set of questions he wanted answered, he had a whole new level of grieving to approach. All of it just overwhelmed him mentally, and then he didn't have the best support to grieve the correct way. You have a good support system, but you think about things even more than he does."

Pony couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

"What's funny?" Darry asked.

"I just...if anyone would have told me that Steve and I had a lot of things in common, I would've said you were absolutely insane."

* * *

After his talk with Darry, Pony went upstairs to see Soda. He was laying in bed, but not asleep. He was just staring out the window. Pony lay on his side of the bed and Soda immediately put his arms around his little brother and pulled him close.

"Are you mad Soda?" Pony asked.

"For what?" Soda asked, surprised by the question.

"I feel like it's my fault Steve got pushed so far. If he would've never found out I cut or anything, he wouldn't have panicked like that."

"Maybe, but maybe not," Soda shrugged, "I'm not mad at you for it though. You can't put blame on something like that. I've figured that out. I can't point my finger to things when Steve would have panics or something, because it didn't help him."

"Yeah," Pony sighed. He looked out the window and watched the clouds roll by, covering the sun and then letting it appear again. "Do you really think Steve will be okay? Like he can get back to where he was right?"

Soda smiled, "I hope so."

Pony turned to face Soda. He could tell his older brother didn't get much sleep.

"You know I'll be okay, right?"

Soda closed his eyes and smiled, "I know buddy."

* * *

Later that evening, Soda made two cups of hot chocolate. He hadn't taken the chance to talk to Steve yet. Part of the reason was because he was on and off sleeping in the bedroom, while the other reason was he was waiting to be alone with Steve. "How are you feeling?" Soda asked. Steve accepted the warm mug his best friend handed him.

"I'm okay," Steve said taking sips.

"Are you glad you saw Rachel yesterday?"

"I don't know," Steve shook his head, "I thought we'd be going to help Ponyboy, not tell me I fell so far back."

Soda sighed, "I'm sorry I left you."

"You couldn't help it," Steve said.

"No that's still not okay. I knew you relapsed, but I didn't realize it'd be like that."

Steve just shook his head, "That makes two of us."

"I'm here now though, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you until we get you back on your feet."

Back on his feet. That statement brought Steve back to his session, "Rachel asked me if I was ready to face this head on again."

"Yeah? Are you?"

Steve was silent as he lit a cigarette, "I didn't realize I'd have to do all this again. I thought after I went through it once, I'd be fixed. Again. Damn."

"It could be something you have to fight for a long time," Soda said, "It could pop up from time to time. We've always known that."

"Yeah, but...I never thought I'd go back to the knife again," Steve closed his eyes, "I never imagined I'd do that again."

"It's okay Steve," Soda grabbed his best friends hand, "You're going to bounce back and you'll be tougher than ever."

Steve took a hard swallow, unsure if he believed Soda. "I'm sorry what it's caused with Ponyboy."

"It's not your fault Steve, no one blames you."

"It all started because of me."

"It all started, because you were trying to be there for my little brother. You were trying to help him understand what he's gone through and ways to cope."

"Yeah, but it went the other direction. He just got curious in everything I went through and decided to try it."

"No," Soda shook his head, "He began depending on you to crack down how to completely fix everything he deals with, the nightmares and panic attacks, and I think it crushed him when he realized there wasn't one way to fix it and make it all go away forever. Now I'm not listening to another apology about it."

"He doesn't deserve this," Steve said tossing his cigarette to the side.

"And neither do you," Soda said, "We're going to get you guys through this. I promise."

"Okay."

"Listen Steve, I don't want you to worry so much about Pony, okay? I'm not saying that in a mean way, I'm just saying that I want you to focus on you."

Steve looked down to the ground, "Yeah sure. Okay."

"Don't get overwhelmed please," Soda said, "I'm not saying don't be there for Pony, just worry about yourself."

"I get it," Steve took a deep breath.

Soda got in front of Steve and grabbed both his hands, "Breathe."

Steve shut his eyes tight. He knew there was a long road ahead of him. He knew there was a long road for Ponyboy too, and that killed him even more to think about. He never meant for things to go this far.

"If I..." Steve choked on his words, "If I would've known this was going to happen, I never..."

"Don't Steve. You can't think like that right now. You can't worry yourself with the 'what ifs.'"

"But Soda..."

"No. Stop, because I don't need you to worry yourself into another incident."

Steve looked up at Soda, tears welling up, "I'm scared Soda. I've done this before, so you'd think I'd know how it goes and how to handle it. That's not it though. It's scarier, because I know what to expect and what could happen. I'm really scared."

"You know what else you can expect? Me being right here with you just like last time."

* * *

Steve walked upstairs and stood at the bedroom doorway. He saw Pony sitting at his desk, sketching in his notebook.

"Hey kid."

"Hey," Pony said, not looking up.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay. How are you?"

"Okay," Steve said as he leaned against the doorway.

Pony put his pencil down and looked up, "What?"

Steve just shrugged, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"You don't have..."

"Just let me say it, okay?"

Pony closed his mouth as he waited for Steve to continue.

"I never meant for all this to happen. I would've never thought things could spiral so out of control. I would've never thought I'd relapse into this shit again. If I could just go through all this for the both of us I would."

"That's not fair to you Steve..."

"Bullshit!" Steve barked, "It's not fair for you to go through this! You're a very smart kid Pony, you have a lot going for you, you don't deserve this!"

"You don't either," Pony simply said. He got up from his spot, and walked over to Steve. "Whether either of us like it or not, we're both in this together. We'll be okay."

Steve grabbed Pony and pulled him into a tight hug. Both Soda and Pony were telling him everything would be okay, but he was struggling to believe it. "I think we need to promise each other something."

"What's that?" Pony asked.

"We need to let each other know if we need anything. I mean it. If we're ever feeling like doing something or feeling a panic attack, we have to let each other know. No secrets. Promise?"

"I promise," Pony pulled away from the hug and let a sly grin cross his face.

"What?" Steve asked.

"Is that promise valid immediately?"

"Of course. Why? What do you need?"

"I need you to cook me some of that chicken."

Steve laughed, and it felt good to, "Sure kid."

* * *

A/N: That's the end of Slippery Slope! I feel like it's straying from the original plot and going into a new one, so here's where it ends and the next story can take us into the next part! Huge thanks to all you amazing readers for your support through this one!


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